She's out visiting her parents which I'm sure will consume her for the rest of the day.
I have come to learn that Paul is away this weekend and she has already told me that we'll have our fun time tomorrow night and she said that she'd "promised" me that we'd be enjoying ourselves up till Labor Day weekend. I feel a rising anxiety about it but as everyone here has already now concluded, I'm not going to stand in her way.
She's promised that we'll talk a lot after things get started between them and she has also said that we are still going to have sex at times, I know that it's likely going to be possibly 2 months or so before we return to that. I am looking at it right now as more of what we've done before, I know that I've/we've gone almost 2 months in the past without sex between us so I know that even with that limited frequency, that it's something I can tolerate while she enjoys what she is hoping to enjoy.
As danwcap says though - sorry Peak and Raks - it really is kind of tiring hearing the same things over and over. I'm not going to apologize for how even I feel I've changed over the past few years but I know I have. I know that years back, I felt an intense need to reclaim her and have sex with her after she'd been with her lover - whether it was that day, the next day or just within a few days afterwards - I know I felt that and I know that I felt that at times it was a competition and I always felt like I needed to try to one-up her lover and bring her to that trembling orgasm beneath me.
What I didn't realize until I started and now more fully embrace my beta wishes (Yes - Wishes) is that by my doing so with her, that I denied her some of what she now says she wants to feel - that she is intimate with her lover, with Paul, and that she doesn't have to want or have sex with me at all afterwards if she doesn't want to.
I will say without a doubt that I truly no longer feel the urge or need to "reclaim her" as I did in the past. I think when I came to that realization I was able to relax about everything and not feel threatened or not nearly as anxious as I used to feel about her deeper involvement with Paul and yes, his replacing me sexually.
As I've long said, I don't post everything here - I don't post about our midnight swim last night where with our daughter out and it being a dark night that we skinny-dipped for a while and made out in the corner of the pool. We cuddled in the warm water and looked up at the moon through the mostly cloudy skies and we floated together against each other against the edge of the pool. Her breasts felt wonderful in my hands and I know even in the water she felt my hardon behind her. But the crazy part is that I loved the arousal so much even though I knew we weren't going to have sex and I wasn't going to jerk-off - it felt amazing to let myself grow horny for her and thinking about her and know that she wasn't going to relieve it like she would have just a few years ago. I love knowing how she doesn't feel that need or obligation to me. I can't explain it but its one of those things that almost seems primal to me now that I really love the arousal with her.
Before ending this post I also want to make things clear elsewhere too. It is profound to me that I am truly feeling this way and I am not sure that people like Raks or Peak can appreciate how this feels to be - to feel aroused at the person and not just the sex. And to know that to fulfill that arousal and make me feel satisfied, even I admit that it's scary but also very relieving to say that it turns me on to think that way. I haven't gone back and counted but I am sure it is in the low single-digits for the number of times that I've cum inside my wife since New Years Eve 2014. And what I find most profound is that unless my feelings and arousal and satisfaction changes, that I am finding myself increasingly comfortable and perhaps even wanting to prolong this indefinitely - and yes for everyone here - it turns me on amazingly to think that I may possibly never cum in her or any other woman again, ever.
That thought would have been incredibly scary and horrifying just a few years ago, and now, the thought of her only having her lovers cum in her in the foreseeable future is now incredibly arousing to me. I cannot explain how it feels other than to say it just feels right to me that I no longer share this with her - it is what I want as a beta - it is what seems to fulfill me in ways that I think I may have always been seeking in the past. It just feels so right to me when I'll use another condom with her tomorrow night.
And that's perhaps what both scares me most as well as what arouses me the most at the same time. That I know what was once a horrifying thought and a huge turn-off - has now become something that leaves me feeling incredibly fulfilled. It scares me and arouses me that I may feel the same about abstaining from her over time. Even now as I shared with her and here - I admitted that at times I would sometimes rather jerk-off than cum in her (well, not with just a few more weekends left) - I know that after giving her to Paul, that at least at the beginning - it is going to feel amazing to me to masturbate and cum while knowing I will no longer get to feel her. It turns me on incredibly because I know how it is going to feel to know that she may lie beneath me but that I am no longer allowed to penetrate her. What scares me is if this becomes as the condom-play and it becomes something we do not return from. I suppose if it does go in that direction, that as everything has been so far, that if it's gone in that direction, then it's likely been a willing movement.
So while I may express regret, reluctance, anxiety and angst about what we are doing - I believe I can honestly say that it is something I think we will have to do, or rather something that she has and needs to do.
It is actually kind of interesting to listen to her at times when she can explain how she feels and how she wants to feel. It's not something I can satisfy for her - even if I returned right now to the alpha role - I do understand her, she's always been the type when she knows what she wants, that she usually can't be talked out of it. And I know it hasn't been easy for her to tell me she wants to feel sexually fulfilled by Paul - just as it wasn't easy for me to come out to her about my beta desires - but now that we have both of those out in the open - right now I think we are both going through a lot of "understanding". She professes to now understand how significant this is as a man to somewhat voluntarily give up intercourse with his wife - I do believe that. I think she understands how physical an act it is for a man. And for me, I will somewhat reluctantly admit that I do know how she feels wanting this incredible sexual fulfillment and to feel like she is exploring something new and exciting for herself.
But then again, I would not want or consider moving ahead with all of this if we didn't feel this way.
And then, yes, there are still times when I think about it and I say "am I crazy, has she really talked me into this". But those moments are fewer and further between now.