KS,
"However charismatic or fun someone like Caleb is, he's still ultimately just another 20-something trying to figure out his life, like many of our friends. But the Korean artist on the other hand is established and accomplished in his field, doing the kind of work that Min-Ju really cares about and admires. He is in a position to offer her valuable career advice and perspective. I am a couple years older than Min-Ju and while I'm not doing anything terribly exciting, I have my career started. From the beginning of our relationship, that's always been part of our dynamic: I'm there to offer her support and guidance. I know that's not going to change, but on some unconscious level I have been registering that part of what excites her about him is also what has drawn her to me. And I'm not sure how well I stack up; he is more accomplished than me. (In fact, maybe part of why I've left him unnamed here is as a way to keep him more at arm's length and maintain a sense of control over him.) That's kind of humbling, and I'm still wrestling with that. But it's helped me see that what Min-Ju has been more worried about is how I might react to all this. I better see why she's had those concerns. I thought I was being submissive, but maybe not in the way she needs."
I totally understand that. A grown man is much scarier (and "alpha") than a kid.
"Up until now, I had been assuming -- wrongly, I realize -- that Min-Ju's hesitations were largely about whether she really wanted to see him or not, and about disappointing me. But it seems I haven't been listening to her cues: she does want to see him, maybe even a lot. Her concerns have been about how well I will be able to handle the situation, as it does involve me more directly than other times we have played."
It's good that you found out what she wants. The fact that she is "all in" and just holding back because of you seems incredibly hot to me. Her enthusiasm and degree of sexual compulsion would be very important to me if I were in your shoes. You want the feeling of "not being in control", and, if she just handles in the way she finds most satisfying and exciting, you won't be in control.
I'm wondering about the context of the questions:
“What if I can’t text very regularly?”
(I guess this means you won't be near them most of the time they're together.)
“Will you be ok if we don’t get much alone time during his visit? If we really do this, he will be staying with me – there really might not be much time for you.”
(Wow. Kind of hot, too.)
“Will you be able to handle seeing me together with him in public?”
(Seeing them together in public when you can't see her in private will be especially difficult -- but hot.)
“What about if I need to ask you to leave, either because we need to work on the exhibit or if we just want to be alone? Or because you are being clingy?”
(Leave where? Would you be with her when she is working? I assumed you had a regular job, and wouldn't be able to hang around during the day, and it sounds like you wouldn't be with them at home, so when would you be around so that you could be asked to leave?)
"When we aren't around people we know, will you be able to handle seeing PDA between us? What if I hold his hand? Or he puts in arm around me?"
Do you think that will happen? She answered with a yes.
(Wow.)
“What if he is insulting or mean to you?”
(In my fantasy, I would prefer a situation where he is polite and not much is said about the personal situation -- but he just acts entitled to her, without discussion. An arm around her would be great. I imagine you at home with them, they have an exchange in a language you can't understand, and she says: "We're going to bed now. See you tomorrow morning.")
“Do you want him to humiliate you?”
That question caught me open mouthed and tongue tied. Min-Ju laughed and said she had her answer.
(There is a real question whether he would want to play this game. Or maybe she has already discussed it with him and he's into it.
But what she's asked above would be pretty humiliating.)
“What if he acts possessively toward me?”
Same as above. If it's real possessiveness, you need to be clear with him about boundaries. He has been polite and considerate with you so far; we both think he will continue to do so.
(I like "entitled")
“What about condoms or birth control?”
He's had you bare before, we agreed he should have you bare now.
(... or birth control? She's on it anyway, so it would take a special action to not use it.)
When is this going to happen? Has she told you what she's already talked to him about?
I don't remember. Does he even know that she's married?
I still think you should sleep on the couch while he sleeps with her, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards.
"However charismatic or fun someone like Caleb is, he's still ultimately just another 20-something trying to figure out his life, like many of our friends. But the Korean artist on the other hand is established and accomplished in his field, doing the kind of work that Min-Ju really cares about and admires. He is in a position to offer her valuable career advice and perspective. I am a couple years older than Min-Ju and while I'm not doing anything terribly exciting, I have my career started. From the beginning of our relationship, that's always been part of our dynamic: I'm there to offer her support and guidance. I know that's not going to change, but on some unconscious level I have been registering that part of what excites her about him is also what has drawn her to me. And I'm not sure how well I stack up; he is more accomplished than me. (In fact, maybe part of why I've left him unnamed here is as a way to keep him more at arm's length and maintain a sense of control over him.) That's kind of humbling, and I'm still wrestling with that. But it's helped me see that what Min-Ju has been more worried about is how I might react to all this. I better see why she's had those concerns. I thought I was being submissive, but maybe not in the way she needs."
I totally understand that. A grown man is much scarier (and "alpha") than a kid.
"Up until now, I had been assuming -- wrongly, I realize -- that Min-Ju's hesitations were largely about whether she really wanted to see him or not, and about disappointing me. But it seems I haven't been listening to her cues: she does want to see him, maybe even a lot. Her concerns have been about how well I will be able to handle the situation, as it does involve me more directly than other times we have played."
It's good that you found out what she wants. The fact that she is "all in" and just holding back because of you seems incredibly hot to me. Her enthusiasm and degree of sexual compulsion would be very important to me if I were in your shoes. You want the feeling of "not being in control", and, if she just handles in the way she finds most satisfying and exciting, you won't be in control.
I'm wondering about the context of the questions:
“What if I can’t text very regularly?”
(I guess this means you won't be near them most of the time they're together.)
“Will you be ok if we don’t get much alone time during his visit? If we really do this, he will be staying with me – there really might not be much time for you.”
(Wow. Kind of hot, too.)
“Will you be able to handle seeing me together with him in public?”
(Seeing them together in public when you can't see her in private will be especially difficult -- but hot.)
“What about if I need to ask you to leave, either because we need to work on the exhibit or if we just want to be alone? Or because you are being clingy?”
(Leave where? Would you be with her when she is working? I assumed you had a regular job, and wouldn't be able to hang around during the day, and it sounds like you wouldn't be with them at home, so when would you be around so that you could be asked to leave?)
"When we aren't around people we know, will you be able to handle seeing PDA between us? What if I hold his hand? Or he puts in arm around me?"
Do you think that will happen? She answered with a yes.
(Wow.)
“What if he is insulting or mean to you?”
(In my fantasy, I would prefer a situation where he is polite and not much is said about the personal situation -- but he just acts entitled to her, without discussion. An arm around her would be great. I imagine you at home with them, they have an exchange in a language you can't understand, and she says: "We're going to bed now. See you tomorrow morning.")
“Do you want him to humiliate you?”
That question caught me open mouthed and tongue tied. Min-Ju laughed and said she had her answer.
(There is a real question whether he would want to play this game. Or maybe she has already discussed it with him and he's into it.
But what she's asked above would be pretty humiliating.)
“What if he acts possessively toward me?”
Same as above. If it's real possessiveness, you need to be clear with him about boundaries. He has been polite and considerate with you so far; we both think he will continue to do so.
(I like "entitled")
“What about condoms or birth control?”
He's had you bare before, we agreed he should have you bare now.
(... or birth control? She's on it anyway, so it would take a special action to not use it.)
When is this going to happen? Has she told you what she's already talked to him about?
I don't remember. Does he even know that she's married?
I still think you should sleep on the couch while he sleeps with her, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards.
