We've spent tonight over at Sue's parents house doing a bunch of stuff. Her dad is hanging in there which is nice to see. We were worried how he'd fare through the winter with limited mobility and all, but seems to be a tough old goat. I think Sue's having some issues w/her mom, getting old and either it's her hearing is getting worse or she's maybe got a bit of what they used to call "old age" going on so I think she's a bit preoccupied as she went off to bed early tonight.
I went back and re-read what I'd posted and as I thought, I omitted some things. We discussed a bit more about things and she did make it clear that she recognized the importance of still enjoying having sex with me. Part of that discussion included her openly saying that she never wants to cut me off totally from her and that we still need to connect physically as part of just who we are. That was actually something that made me feel better overall, that there are some guidelines and guard-rails so-to-speak. We talked a bit about later this year and she openly admitted that she hoped whoever her lover may be, if he's "the one", that she would like him to be able to stay over at our house at times and she also added that she would want to do the same and she asked me how I would feel about that - if she were to, perhaps, spend one night a week with him. She was speaking hypothetically, but at the same time, I immediately came to realize that this would be a part of what she wants to experience as part of her "affair". I told her that it was much the same as the other things that unknown, that we would surely figure it out when it was time, and that I admitted that I was sure I would probably never tell her no. She smiled and she said that she hoped she'd never ask me for something that would make me feel that way - and again said that if it was too much, that I needed to tell her so.
I asked her if she enjoyed denying me. She was quiet for a moment and then said hesitantly at first, "yes" but then added "only when I have another guy though" and she said things about how horny it made her feel to know she has a lover and she admitted that much like me, that she can't fully explain how she feels, I suppose having quite a bit of wine may have left her tongue-tied. But she did look at me and said, and these were her exact words, that "...it turns me on to let other guys fuck my 'married pussy'". And she seemed to try to say how she'd always thought that once she had a husband she loved that he (I) would be the only guy she'd have sex with again - but now, she seemed to say, in very roundabout female logic, that she sort of feels differently and that it turns her on to know what she's doing. But if she can't fully explain it, then that's the best I can do. I suppose again, it could be her side of how I feel enjoying knowing she's doing that.
I am sure there's more that I will remember, or more likely, that will come up during the next few days that will trigger more memories of what she'd said.
Now to go back to the last few posts....
Far2 - yes, there you go, that was something she'd mentioned more than once, that she would like me to either be a part or be able to be a part of what she does in the future. She admitted the anonymous aspect of Robert was exciting but she said she missed being able to share with me too. After more than a year of not seeing or being there, I would really enjoy being able to do so. I think I feel differently now too, a bit more able to accept watching more than participating sometimes, etc.
Broken - no names or idea about her pen-pal, but I"m assuming its a guy. She's done this before, mostly during the years we were working our way up to doing this for real, sometimes it was a 3-way email thing, other times it was more private with just her and him. She is comfortable sharing her pics if she has a good vibe from the guy, it's why she insists on me editing them and blurring her face, so she too can be as discrete as she can be.
Mino - I understand the red-flags that are thrown up by what she said and that is why I pushed her a bit on the lusty-desire line and she admitted that was more in line with what she's wanting to experience. With all that she said, my feeling is that she wants to feel the desire, she wants to feel herself wanting him. I didn't ask her whether if I wasn't interested in denial, whether she would want to do so - I know she admitted to enjoying it, but again, her knowing it's something that turns me on is still part of the equation. What I do want to gain more clarity on is where her own desires lie without mine. I think the denial thing plays up the intensity on her part as well as mine, she understands and feels the tension it brings between us including when we do get together - and her admission of always wanting and needing that is something that I think may temper my view of the situation. Maybe I have rose-colored glasses on, I don't know. But suffice to say that before we jump too far into the deep end of the pool, we will have many more talks about what is going on and what it may mean. That is the hardest part of all of this - not knowing who "he" may be and what those dynamics will bring.
Harry - I'm well aware of that saying, not of it's origination or use by Lee Majors. As I said above to Mino, some of what Sue's said, I think shows what her awareness is of what's going on and what she wants. I've been using the term "affair" because it's how she referred to it, but perhaps the term "fling" is more apt to describe what she's saying. Something short but hot as she's described it. I think as long as the rest of our lives stay intact and no matter what we reconnect at times, that I don't see how I can say no right now - but as I said - there's a lot of time an distance between now and then.
Will - I am relieved by what you wrote, spoken from a Bull's perspective, I am relieved that you see this in a different way than others, more akin to how I am looking at it. I love Sue and I am quite sure she loves me, there would just be no way for us to even talk openly like we are able to at times if there wasn't some sense of bonding between us that I think may be understated or perhaps underestimated by others. Of course as I say that I am also hoping that you and I are right too.
Broken - I understand what you wrote, but I should also add that Sue was pretty clear that her pen-pal wasn't going to be her next lover and, at least from what she said to me and how she said it, that the two would be different people. To be honest, from what I know of true-Bulls, I don't think she or I are really ready for that, at least not the way I've understood things to be. I don't believe she's ready to, in a way, give herself to him (a bull) just yet, I think that is counter to what she wants to feel with the guy she wants to have this fling with. Maybe I'm wrong.
Will - as I said, this isn't her first erotic-pen-pal partner so I'm not worried about it at all. I trust Sue enough that if there was something she wanted or was going to do, that she'd be honest with me. Why wouldn't she be? I have no reason to not trust her, not when I can feel how she is when we are talking together.
I'll end by saying that tonight we sort of plotted out the rest of our ski-trips and we have at least 2 more weekends planned so it won't be until the end of March when I think her thoughts will turn more intently to finding her next partner. I'm actually surprised at her desire to get out and ski - of course new equipment and a snowy winter have helped.