She Is His

[Dr_rock_13]

STB,

You said a few posts back that you hadn't been inside for 6 months and 26 days (since new years). When i read your description of your fathers day "treat" i had the impression that penetration was involved.....did i get that wrong?

Also you say that you will likely only be 'intimate' a few more times this year. Are these times likely to be conventional sex or are you moving into the intimacy without penetration realm?

 

[tegelad]

Congratulations! Now that you are a beta, what are your next goals in submission?

 

[SoonToBe]

Dr Rock - my reference to 6 months and 26 days or now 7 months and 11 days, the reference was to the last time that Sue and I made love where she orgasmed with me via intercourse. Yes, she's let me penetrate her several times to differing degrees but her response was muted.

For Peak. You see this as a sudden decision, I feel this is the culmination of many things - and for a change - the most calm and relaxed sexually that I can be. Of course my orgasms are pleasurable and plentiful - I think what I am feeling and what is giving me less need to post here is - I think the honesty I feel from her about all of this. But even more, it's that it feels right - to both of us.

I wish I could explain it in a way that would make you understand that in a way, this is I think what I've been looking to feel and enjoy all along. My desires for her with other men and the conflicts I felt about that really seem to have abated now. Even in calmer and non-sexual moments, it feels okay to talk about it and accept that it is what I want - at least for now. Would I want it if she weren't how loving and accommodating she is? Definitely not - and as I said - she well knows that.

I admit it does pain me and sting in a way that she enjoys the sex as much as she does - but to hear and see her passionate with him is truly something that just brings a smile to my face - and it's an honest smile. I know it sounds crazy to others, but not to everyone. I don't know if I can express it any other way than that it feels almost surreal to be as continually aroused as I am about all of this. And it does sound crazy to me that an otherwise virile man as myself would voluntarily cease sex with his wife - and go further but cede and give her to her lover.

But we are now past that point as she has made me realize. I am a beta male. And at this time, I accept that to fulfill the way I seem to need to feel sexually - I need her to deny me this way. She knows I will be eager for when she shows me a condom and tells me she wants me to use it with her. Knowing there will be one or two of those days - and knowing that until then - seeing her naked only reinforces for me this desire to wait for her and in the meanwhile - to let her be his. Yes, of course, the more he satisfies her, the further off those one or two times will be for me. But that is okay as waiting is in some ways almost more pleasurable.

I know that won't make any sense to some here, but from the private-chats and emails I've had recently, I know it rings true to others. There is something strangely fulfilling knowing you no longer have sex with your wife with both of us willingly wanting that.

 

[raksdeer]

Good to see the end of this wonderful saga. That's what I saw some time ago, when my views were discarded as that of "gloom and doom". Good that you seem to accept it. It's a good end. May be not for others - but as long as it it's good for you, it's ok.

 

[peakmb]

Steve,
I appreciate the detailed response, of course you answered the question I didn’t ask. I didn’t say your current state was a sudden decision, it has taken the best part of a year after all. I did say it seemed to go against your previously stated core values. The two states of a year ago and previous to now are very much at odds with each other and I remain unconvinced that both could be held naturally. My conclusion is that either you were previously (and perhaps secretly) wanting to be where you are now but not daring to say it (or maybe even fully realising it), or you are in state of some denial now maybe even subsumed by your desire for cuckold angst. From your repeated statements about where you are, I suspect the former.

In spite of that, you continue to make reference to some future period where Sue may see you again as a primary lover, albeit a submissive one. If you truly are beta and Sue truly prefers you this way then this will now never happen. Sue has switched in her mind in how she sees you. It may have held some conflict for her before but that now seems to have gone. Unless she wants it herself for her own reasons, your days of feeling her pussy have gone - even with a condom. You may never feel her bareback again, although I suspect it will happen simply from curiosity on Sue’s part one day. You are fortunate indeed that your desire to be beta has coincided with Sue accepting you this way and shifting her own sexuality outwards to accommodate it. Fortunate also that you still love each other in your new states. I cannot see a way back though, and maybe you and Sue can’t either.

It may at some point in the future leave you vulnerable to whoever follows on from Paul. Any new lover almost by definition is bound to be better than you on the sexual side, if Sue even goes half way on the emotional side with him the balance will tip her towards him overall. For now though, the story of a man in conflict with his desires and feelings is over, just as Raks says. This is a different story going forwards, no doubt one which will secure its own followers.

 

[ShadowCuck]

I know I will look forward to see what how things go between Steve and Sue.

Steve,
Do you have any kind of plan for ongoing updates? If things remain basically as they are in terms of emotions and preferences, with none of the players changing, do you think you will still update periodically? I know I would be interested even to know that “nothing has changed really, and we are still enjoying the same level of intensity,” or stuff like that.

Best to all three of you!

 

[SoonToBe]

Peak - you have hit on it. It's been eye-opening for me and a quite self-revealing for me too. I don't know whether I have truly always felt this way - but I simply cannot deny how relieving it feels to be moving ahead now as we are. As each day and week and now month have ticked by this year, I haven't felt the fears and apprehension and discomfort that I felt in the past. For me, it was my response to her being away on his golf-trip that I think finally convinced me to let go of my own illusions.

Yes, I have a big cock and I think that's honestly been a part of it all along in some ways - it's been easy for me to have fulfilled the alpha role and pleasured women. But it's also honest to say that for as long as I can remember, the mental images and thoughts of Sue (or any prior partner) to have been "naughty" with other men has truly been there as an arousal and fantasy. They say hindsight is 20:20 and I fully understand that now.

I don't feel I've been dishonest here along the way. For me, I think Sue and I could have only reached this point going through the journey we have been on and neither of us could have envisioned this as our outcome at the beginning. I know that along the way others pointed this out and I pooh-poohed those thoughts. Again, I think this is something that I only realized in myself - and more importantly - accepted in myself - after years of truly growing to trust and love Sue in new ways and knowing that she values this as much if not more than I.

There is simply nothing I can say to describe the contentedness we both seem to have sexually right now. I know that in the past I had urges and needs that had to be fulfilled - I can read back some of what I'd written earlier and I so understand the arousal and excitement - and yes, I have masturbated many times thinking back to the ardor I felt at times and how I needed to reclaim her. But a part of me looks back at that and now in a way I feel it was compensating for these feelings I know I've had. I look back I guess similarly to how maybe a gay guy tries to "act straight" and be an alpha/ladies-man to try to have the world (and your partner) see you as one way and not another. I just know that I honestly can say that it's taken me over 30 years of marriage to her to finally come to the point where I completely trust and love her enough to let this happen.

I do feel I need to explain something. It isn't that I don't want to have sex with her. That isn't it at all. When we talked about limiting it to just a few times each year, it was a mutual desire and even need. We both understand that we need to share some physical intimacy beyond just kissing and touching to stay relevent to each other. I just so want it to be when she wants it with me - if he is satisfying her, that's okay by me and I willingly accept that I will wait for her.

For as much as it stings it also turns me on that she only wants him right now. I think this may be something only beta guys can understand but hearing her say she would prefer to have sex with him - yes it stings - but it also is something that I love sharing with her and knowing she can tell me that honestly. Of course it stings that she would prefer him - but after 35+ years of fucking me, I can understand why she may prefer a change - and a part of me is also feeling that may be some of what I am feeling too - that after this long, that this part of me needed to come out and be explored.

I know that we can probably never go backwards - not to last year or a few years back and surely not back to vanilla. That was a big part of what I had to accept - that my own actions have defined who I am and how she sees me sexually. I know that in these past 3 years since I "came out" as wanting to be (more) beta - that there have been a lot of things that I've done that have reinforced that with Sue and eroded at any remaining alpha views of me. Maybe it'll sound strange to say this but I am quite sure I have intentionally in my own mind done these things with this goal in mind. A part of me feels that I finally came to where I wanted to have this for real and that in some ways - I've even embraced some of this to make it more clear to Sue that I want her to see me as beta. I'll even say that I feel almost more like a man that I was able to do this and move my own desires ahead. I know I was scared to "give her away" to him on New Years Day - but at the same time, for as awkward and unpleasant (right word?) as that was - a part of me clearly wanted to do it knowing that it would be a big step towards her seeing me differently.

Some did see this coming and I ignored them. Apologies to those who I may have disagreed with in the past but have now been vindicated. I think I had blinders on to all of this until the feelings and desires rose to the point that I couldn't ignore them.

 

[SoonToBe]

Shadow - you have touched on something that I have been feeling too. I'm not sure how I feel about the need to share/update here now that I think we've "discovered the truth" so to say. I do still want to share my thoughts and feelings but I think with how we have perhaps reached our new equilibrium, that it won't be the need to share everything that is going on between us. I'll say that it all seems to fit now such that I kind of no longer feel like I'm confused by it.

There is still a lot for Sue and I to talk about - she had and does still talk about "after Paul" at times and I know now she will not likely want to reverse course with me so I do not know what the future will bring. Similarly - we are also starting to talk about downsizing and moving and relocating. Her mom still lingering on is a big part of what is keeping her and us here now that our kids are out of the house and out of college.

Things could change then - we may rediscover each other as she's suggested. But as she's already said, no matter where we are, she intends on having a lover.

 

[Curt Bruch]

Steve - I'm hearing that you may have reached the end of your journey. I shall ensure that all that you have posted and shared will be faithfully recounted in 'Journal of a Journey' with the greatest understanding and sympathy. If in the future you both decide for whatever reason to head for new destinations and you share that with us here then likewise it will be added to your wonderful story as new chapters. Thank you for sharing

 

[SoonToBe]

I don't know that it's the end of our journey or more just a new phase.

 

[Curt Bruch]

I don't know that it's the end of our journey or more just a new phase.

Good to hear.

 

[dutch12]

Am I right in my conclusion that you want to be a celibate (well endowed) male.
You are a lucky man having a wife like Sue is, she prefers to fuck other men more than to fuck you.
So both of you get what you want. A great win-win arrangement
Stay happy and above all healthy, both of you!
Hope to hear more of your journey in the (near) future.

 

[peakmb]

So, as one of our more famous guys said, "
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.

If that isn't time for a new thread Steve, I don't know what is ...

 

[Wannabe93066]

Gotta agree with peakmb

 

[SoonToBe]

In looking at the last few posts, I suppose this is very anti-climactic. But as I said, I can't change how I feel right now and as she and I talked/teased last night - at least for right now - I don't want to.

While masturbating with her last night we talked. Actually I came out and told her as we were getting into it that I liked how it felt between us now. She loved hearing me say that and she encouraged me to tell her more and again was very supportive too. She said she could tell I was a lot more relaxed and she asked me if that was true and I told her yes. I told her honestly that her encouragement and support of me exploring my own desires was allowing me to in some ways, see myself in a very different way. She told me that seeing my hard cock turns her on and that she likes seeing just how horny and turned on I am. I told her that it feels different to me now - and I said it "knowing I'm not going to have you" and she asked me if it was okay. I told her the truth, that it felt strangely good and even relieving to me in a way. She smiled and giggled a bit and said that I should let myself go finally and "enjoy it the way you want to". As I told her how strange it felt to accept to myself that I truly want to just masturbate right now and enjoy the feelings of being beta. She held my free hand and told me that she loved me dearly and that she loved that she could tell I was truly enjoying this. As I stroked my cock she told me that she was getting wet from our talk and she admitted she was "itchy" to be with Paul this weekend when he comes here. At one point she playfully pulled up the front of her night-shirt and showed me her pussy including letting me see how glistening wet it was inside.

We talked a bit and I told her that it so turned me on - seeing her flash me like that - to know that only Paul would get to feel her intimately. She asked if it was him having her or me not that turned her on more and I told her it was a combination. I told her honestly that at times my cock aches at the desire I do still feel for her - but at the same time - the intense feelings of satisfaction I have at knowing Paul has her fully outweighs that desire. She cooed in my ear "so knowing he gets to feel me cum really turns you on" and I just moaned back at her and stroked harder. She let me see her gently rubbing her pussy as I let go. I heard her softly moan but I knew she hadn't orgasmed as I pumped out my load.

It is hard to describe how wonderful it feels to do that for and with her. It is one of my most favorite moments to look up at her and see her eagerly watching my hand on my cock and to see and hear her as I let go. I love that there's nothing I have to hide from her and that she knows my enjoyment is true. But I think I love the moments just after that as I lie there catching my breath and I know she is aroused herself at watching me and I love giving her what she's said is her pleasure at playing with and cleaning up my cum. Before she began to feed it to me she said that she loved that she knew I so wanted to cum this way - and she added "knowing it's not for me". I moaned back at her as she said she loved "being here with you like this" sharing my pleasure with me.

I admit that I do have thoughts all the time of "when will she want me" - as I do fully expect her to do just that - to "want me" a few times. Perhaps out of pity? Perhaps because Paul is away or she hasn't seen him? Or maybe it's curiosity. I think she well knows that dangling that carrot out there will surely keep me wanting more.

Will Peak's potential come true where in the post-Paul era, another man will sweep her away from me? I doubt it. If anything, it's somewhat weird to say it, but I feel a similar sense of relief and contentedness from her through all this. Our talk of Paul coming over Saturday evening was more just normal conversation as there's no longer a question of if it's okay or if it's what I would want. What I mean by all of this is that - in my head - loosening or cutting the sexual link between us hasn't reduced other feelings, if anything I think it's made her appreciation and love for me perhaps greater. At least that how it feels to me.

Can this work for the long term. I honestly don't know. As I mentioned - and as anyone who lives in the NY/NJ/CT are will attest to - we are likely going to relocate after we both retire in a few years as the taxes in this area of the country are just not favorable for retirees. Perhaps that will be when things shift once again?

But for the short term - I think I am going to embrace Sue's encouragement and enjoy being beta.

 

[raksdeer]

I have asked questions like these before also, but just a few questions -
1. Given a choice what she will do - Play with you (Masturbate and share cum) or Play with Paul?
2. Will her love for you still be there if you (hypothetically) say no to some plans between her and Paul?
3. Why should She want you if you don't want her?
4. Standing true to word is very important. It is what is fundamental to trust and relationship. Do you think she has (by conditioning you) forgone on her word
5. Now does the "Obligation" reason that was given by her a few times sounds logical ? Sound true?

 

[SoonToBe]

I'll try to answer....

1. Sexually, right now I would expect her to want Paul. While she enjoys watching me, I know she enjoys actual sex with him more.
2. Depending on circumstances, she could be possibly hurt or even mad if I asked/insisted on her cancelling or changing plans she'd made with Paul, but love isn't something that would be questioned.
3. By "want" I'm assuming you mean sexual desire? None of this is because I don't want her. I just enjoy her wanting him right now.
4. I don't think she's done anything 'wrong' if that's what you're asking? I think my mutual agreement perhaps the lines of the field have been changed/moved - but again, that is by mutual agreement.
5. I do understand her whole "obligation" thing. I think she is surprised that I do. And I can surely see how - given how we both felt about each other and what she thought (now knows different since I've come to relax and accept it all) I needed. If anything she was the 'good wife' entirely too much and without enough selfishness on her part. Now that she is enjoying Paul, I think, the way she would have liked to enjoy Brad or Don or Frank or Robert or anyone else she felt close enough to. In that sense, I even feel a bit responsible and sorry for all of that. I know now that she would have liked to have been able to explore more of these feelings and desires that she is now having with Paul. I think it may be also a big part of my acquiescence to all of this too.

Hope that answers the question. As an example - Paul was here on Saturday night and into part of yesterday with the crappy weather we had his golf game was canceled. The 3 of us hung around for a while after breakfast, all of us still in our pj's or less (Sue had a robe on) and after Paul left, she and I spent the rest of the afternoon snuggled up in bed together for a while till we put some clothes on and managed to be outside for the nicest part of the evening after the rain stopped.

Raks - I think because she and I weren't sexual - that you can't understand how close and warm and together and yes, in love, we both felt all afternoon and evening. There was no tension between us - no ulterior motives or desires on my part to have her - instead I just loved how warm and cozy and mellow she felt and she admitted that she loved sharing that with me.

 

[SoonToBe]

I realized I mentioned stuff above that I wanted to share. I know this sounds crazy and I admit it feels surreal here at times but things have continued and if anything, we are becoming more comfortable and "used to" everything. We both said that we felt we'd come to a point, especially after what we'd said and talked about on Wednesday night, to where we both truly just wanted to finally "relax about it all". At one point I recall her saying something like "... we'll get used to it..." but more that I think we have both fully disarmed in a way. I have stopped (trying to fully) having thoughts of being with her and it's helped. I told her that I sometimes still had thoughts and masturbated to fantasizing about how it'd feel if I was Paul at times when I'm watching them or knowing what they're doing. She thought that was really beautiful to hear and that she loved that she was still the one I wanted. She too admitted that sometimes it's hard - especially seeing my cock and all - but that we could talk openly about it was good for us. She told me that she liked knowing that but also told me that she still didn't want me to be ogling her or staring at her longingly at times. I told her that I was trying not to and she giggled that I was doing a good job and as we talked, we both agreed that it's what we'll just get used to over time.

Going back to that obligation thing - I did tell her something related to that. When she came out of the shower Saturday afternoon before Paul was coming over - she had a towel wrapped around her and she looked at me. I told her that her 'towel' turned me on and she giggled and said it wasn't because of that and she turned to face me and took it off and said "you can see me if you want to" and she proceeded to go back to getting ready just now she was naked. I told her that I liked seeing her body and then told her, I guess, without any sort of prodding - that she could always be naked around me and that I would try to not treat her like a sex object. She smiled and laughed and said that she liked how it felt now that she could feel like she could walk around naked or however and that she liked that I respected that with her. But she added that there were still going to be times when she would prefer not to. I reassured her that it was always up to her. She sat next to me and said simply "there are times baby, when you know, I've just been really into it with Paul.... you know.... afterwards.... it's like I just want it to be all for me....". I just leaned over and kissed her and told her I loved her.

Let me break now for bit and finish more about some changes with the 3 of us that seem to be under way.

 

[raksdeer]

STB, Thank you very much for answering the question. Some more....

We will get used to what? She loved that she was still the one I wanted...wouldn't you love that too? Or not any more? Can you say the same to her ..ever again? That you love that You were still the one she wanted....probably no!!! Never ever,

As you say that you'd not treat her like a sex object. It seems that you have treated her like one before. So, if that's the cause, then she is probably treating you right. (Although by her own admission, it's only sex between her and Paul and so she is a sex object to him and he is sex object to her).

"There was no tension between us - no ulterior motives or desires on my part to have her " You made a remark in the previous post. SO desiring is an ulterior motive and this is payback or her self-redemption (call it whatever) ?

What I mean to say is...that if she wants to cuckold you and you want to get cuckolded why devise reasons for the same which don't sound in sync with the relationship that you have.

 

[SoonToBe]

I'm not sure I'm following everything Raks - but I suppose you're right - right now, I'm not the one she thinks about or wants to have sex with. I do know there's a lot of danger in that - we both know it. Will I ever be the one she truly wants again sexually - I do not know but I do know that it will never go back to how it was before. I do admit that pains me at times to think about - but at the same time - it is just how I feel and how she feels.

I fully admit that I didn't treat her properly in the past - and in her mind or her thoughts - that it's part of her shedding this feeling of obligation with me. But Raks you continue to put things into just 2 dimensions - as if what made sense for her and I should be applied to Paul. You seem to mix her feelings towards me of making her feel like a sex-object for wanting her despite her not wanting that attention at times - to how she feels about Paul where she wants to feel that way with him. Not sure how you see these as the same.

Again you are picking apart my words so this will likely be the last time I engage in this word-play with you. That you twisted my thoughts about ulterior motives still reveals you to be trying to pick apart every word I share. Same with your last paragraph - where have you twisted things in your mind that they sound out of sync? Geez....