I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. A part of me is exhilirated and excited and another part of me feels almost sorry and a bit forlorn. I don't think she knows it but after we'd made love last night - and yes, it was truly making love together, we lay in bed and I could feel her falling off to sleep and I just lay there and I started to feel that I may be into something that I'm maybe not ready for. Even now, the feeling of being with her and sharing something so intense and close is something that is haunting me a bit.
I know she's had sex with him a lot and all that, but last night, maybe it's knowing what is coming, but last night I was very acutely aware of just how she feels and how beautiful she is and how amazing her body and her pussy feels. As Peak and other said, I did want it to last forever, the warmth inside her as I could feel her body tremble and spasm - and oh my god yes - I could feel her pussy simply gush at times as she'd orgasm in this position or that. I knew that i could feel all of her and yet know that I am not and even in knowing last night was perhaps one of the last times that I may truly feel her so into it with me, I will say that I absolutely know that I didn't want to cum in her and that I was glad I had a condom on.
She is off shopping right now so I can share how I'm feeling. I don't know how many people are reading this but the feeling I had last night with her was something that I think she may have been right about, that in some ways, the longer we have gone with using condoms together, the more intense it has become. The feeling I had last night upon becoming aware of it as we were having sex became clearer to me. I came to realize that I have already come to love no longer cumming inside her and that is something I have already given to Paul.
What I find myself feeling now is whether perhaps I would have enjoyed being more aware of my underlying beta desires longer ago. Others mentioned Don and yes, it was too early for that, but now, it scares AND excites me that I think I would enjoy it if she were to find a true bull or a more dominant kind of guy. A part of me feels that it would be far easier on me to relate to him that way and to find it easier to be with him/them. I have been thinking that perhaps I should be the one to explain what we are doing with Paul and just get it out in the open. I don't think he'll ever be the kind of guy to throw it in my face or to make me feel belittled by it, but at the same time, he doesn't have that dom/aggressive character so I'm also hesitant because it may make him feel more awkward or less comfortable around me.
Sue is very much enjoying that we are able to talk more openly now and I think it's good for her in that I already find myself listening and enjoying talking with her and that I am trying to separate my being aroused by what she's telling me. When we lay in bed last night she reassured me that "it's different when I'm with Paul afterwards". I asked her what she meant and she told me that while she does feel very intimate and close with him and she made no bones about telling me that she loved the feeling of being naked with him as they lay together after they've had sex, but she turned to me and told me that "I never feel the way I do with you honey... I love you.... And while I do love sex with him, I don't love him." and she proceeded to pull my arm around her as she snuggled back against me.
So yes, after some wine together and sitting out on the back deck watching the sunset, we came inside and for a short while it actually felt like old-times between us. She let me seduce her and I let myself take a bit more of the lead. Oh she teased me - every time I uncovered a part of her body and I proceeded to lick and caress it she would tell me "soon you won't be doing that" and when I got to her breasts and gently sucked and bit at her nipples she moaned about how "they'll soon be off-limits". But she was surely teasing me last night because she eagerly gobbled my hard cock into her mouth and sucked me till I was rock hard as I probed and explored her body. She lay on the bed as I knelt against it next to her and as she sucked my cock I spread her legs and played with her pussy.
I licked my fingers and I wet the outsides of her outer labia and as i rubbed up towards the top she'd moan louder around my cock. and as I'd run the same wet fingers downwards, when I'd reach the bottom, her vagina was already opened and already visibly wet- my finger just probed the sticky wet opening and this time I ran one upwards between her lips and up to her still buried clit where I gently rubbed around the outside and underside first until she pulled my cock out of her mouth and moaned "oh god Steve, what are you doing to me". As she pulled my cock back into her mouth I pushed my middle finger further into her wetness and she stopped sucking and let out a loud grunt with my cock still sitting in her mouth and she bucked her pussy upwards driving more of my finger into her. She grunted even more and after just a few more of her own thrusts onto my finger she pulled my cock out of her mouth and moaned "are you having fun". I told her honestly that it turned me on that Paul has played with her pussy like this and she hissed back "oh god yes".
It wasn't long before she pulled my cock out of her mouth for the last time and looked up at me and said "I think it's ready" and she giggled and said "I've been tasting you (precum) for a while now" and she gently held my balls and said "are you ready honey?". when I nodded yes she got up onto her elbows with me still kneeling against the edge of the bed and she tore off one of the condoms, opened it and then handed it to me and she just said "before it goes in me". My god I was so horny at that moment and just how she said it was so incredibly erotic.
As I started to rub the tip against her wet opening and then up to her clit, spreading her lips fully apart she was alternating from looking at my face to looking at my cock playing with her. She looked up at me and asked me "are you okay?" and I smiled at her and said "oh yeah baby" and in response she just said "make it really good baby". I started to slowly enter her and it felt just heavenly feeling her wet lips spread out around my hard cock and envelope it.
It's a crazy thing to know - but as I was pushing into her, I felt so incredibly aroused thinking about Paul enjoying this very same moment, sans condom. It seems almost an unconscious thing but she pulled her knees back and I slid right in almost all the way. She let out this intense low guttural moan as I pushed in - she put her arms up almost to stop me but just made me move slower, that's all.
I won't try to describe all of what we did. I pulled out of her at one point and she knelt at the edge of the bed, her face down into a pillow and with both of her hands she reached back and pulled herself open for me. She looked both beautiful and slutty all at once, but seeing her vagina open like that was like an on-switch for me and I suddenly felt the almost intense need to push myself into her deeply, condom or not.
At another time she lay on her back on the bed beneath me and again, spread her legs and again, hid nothing from view. This time as I rubbed the swollen tip of my cock into her wetness, she hissed at me about "Paul likes it when I lie like this for him too". And I will say that from that point forward, her teasing did become a bit more pointed, but I also suspect it was her desire to speed me along and truly not have me take all night long before I'd have my moment of pleasure, but to also minimize the amount of time I focused on her pleasure. At points I felt she pushed me along, encouraging me to take her legs back around my arms perhaps a bit sooner than I was ready for. But nonetheless - after the build up, her wishes became my desire.
I told her I wanted to enjoy being inside her and she smiled and giggled and said "Okay baby, I'll stay wet for you" and she proceeded to rub her clit in time with my thrusts. I am sure she felt my cock get harder and she giggled "oh god, you're just like him, he likes to watch me like this too". Her finger rubbing made all the difference, just a few moments later I felt her pussy open up and begin to squelch and squish as I kept up my pace. I know that my mind was consumed with thoughts of Paul getting to enjoy this as I came a few minutes later. The moment I started to cum she let out a shriek and a second later, her pussy suddenly started almost squirting and she told me "oh god, I can feel you". We both came together for a while there - I could feel each thick spurt as my whole body would tense with each, and at the same time, she was flailing and thrashing back and forth beneath me as she moaned. When I finally felt drained I was incredibly aware of just how wet and open her pussy felt beneath me.
We lay together afterwards and she hugged me and again told me not only that she loved me but again said thank you to me for everything.
So - it feels kind of eerie right now sitting here in the quiet. I've looked at the one condom still on her night-stand now several times and yes - I am most definitely going to miss the physical feeling with her - but at the same time, call me a beta and a cuckold or whatever, but the feeling I have right now is that whatever feelings of misgivings I have, that I'll put them on the side for the time being and try to focus on the positive.
For Pnis - I've considered letting her shave me. I know that it would however, make me feel self-conscious around Paul so it is not likely to happen. However, seeing her kneel in front of me last night is how I'll need her to be tomorrow if I'm going to shave her so we'll see.
I"m still all over the place but I keep coming back to simply wanting to feel and experience what it's like when she "becomes his". Even now after the awesome sex last night (and I do mean amazing), I am getting hard once again thinking about it.
