Peak - your thoughts are appreciated and always give me a contrasting viewpoint. Your statement and others about the permanence of my being beta is perhaps something that is more of a range rather than a yes or no.
Sue and I had some honest conversations over the past few days after our sort of unexpected fun. A lot of our talk focused on what we each want. She has her desires, however convoluted they are, to change herself and how she feels about sex. And as others here have said, this change on her side is (likely) permanent and I accept that. The thing is, I want that too. It wasn't easy (but also not difficult) to tell her some of this. She too has said that she feels like she is coming to the point (perhaps her end point) where she wants another man physically and doesn't feel she will ever not. I have long told her, even before going into beta and denial with her, that her being intimate with other men is intensely arousing - so to me, some of this feels like it is moving towards her acceptance of this. She hasn't said it but playing back-seat psychologist it sort of makes sense to me.
I told her how surprised I was at what she'd let/encouraged me to do. She said that it felt good to her and however she described it, she told me that she felt good about wanting it with me and that she enjoyed feeling me get aroused. I asked her if she was okay that I'd cum in her and she said yes, but it was quieter and I asked her what she'd meant. It did not negate anything with her, she made that clear but she also said that despite wanting it with me at the time, that she had wanted to wait and had wanted me to wait longer and yes, to want it more with her. I laughed and said almost 6 months of desire was a lot and she giggled and she said she had wanted it to go for longer and she admitted that she liked how it felt between us. Again she repeated how she liked that she could be herself - sexy or whatever and that she knew that I would enjoy seeing her but not make her feel like a sex object and not paw after her. I told her that I felt the same way. That I loved seeing her and knowing that I wouldn't have her.
What I wanted to say though was that think beta is a range and that for me, it just feels right to be there. As if it's perhaps the peace and enjoyment that I've wanted to feel. We both accept that it turns me on and satisfies me for her to be intimate with Paul - sharing her sexually (or giving her to him) just feels right to me. Is it coincidence that it's what she wants right now too, I don't know - maybe it's a sign that we really are meant to be together. Whatever it is, for me, feeling beta means wanting her to have that satisfaction with him and honestly, I don't think I'll ever lose that feeling or desire or need. Seeing her naked is just a part of that, knowing where she'll be later tonight and for the next few days is another part. Whether it's beta or denial, however you term/view it, I get the same deep seated feelings. When you refer to easing up on being beta, that will largely be at her cue as I will surely be there for her when and if she wants me. In the meanwhile, as others have said, I'm going to need some hand-cream soon.
