Peak - our talk continued (and has done so since) with us both sharing more of how we are feeling about each other and about what we're doing. She shared as we went on that, now past 3 months of no sex between us, that she feels we connect and relate to each other more fully.
I did have to admit to her that many times I did, last year and before, trying to focus more on having sex with her or trying to wait to have sex with her that it did change things for me. It's weird but hindsight is 20:20 as they say and just as she says she could feel her own sense of obligation, I think I too felt similarly in that as sex became less frequent between us, that I found myself focusing more on it in a way and less on just spending time with Sue and enjoying that. Like on a Saturday night - and even to a degree into last year when we were using condoms - I still felt a desire to want to be with her at times - and like on a Saturday night, rather than enjoying some wine and relaxing in front of the TV, my mind was stuck on trying to get the evening started and wanting to enjoy the sex with her.
She was surprised when I said that and as I said, she compared it in some ways to how she felt at times to feeling like she had to have sex with me. Would we have ever talked about or discussed any of this between if we were still having sex - I don't think so! She said that as with me, the simple fact that we "aren't having sex" seems to make it easier between us. It made us both wonder whether there's this underlying sentiment in relationships where there isn't communication. Could it be something behind why some couples grow old and grumpy together? I have to admit as did she, that aside of sex between us, that everything else seems to be better and easier - and I even joked that the sex, while different, is still good to me too.
She smiled at what I said and she told me that she felt more confident as a woman and as my wife that she felt so much more in control of her own sexual desires and what she wants to do and doesn't want to do. And she seemed to say that not having sex with me is more to do with her mental desires than the physical aspects - that knowing she is the one deciding how she feels and what she wants to feel. But she also admitted that she is also enjoying some of the physical aspects of denying me - specifically her saying how she likes feeling "horny... down there" and she shared quite calmly that she likes to think of Paul satisfying her and as she's pointed out - she likes to see my big hard cock not being used.
I admitted to her that it turned me on too. And I told her that while I did miss sex with her, that knowing we've made it to 14 weeks now also made me feel, strangely, good about everything. I told her that while I did surely miss her - that in some ways I can almost understand what she had been saying that she wanted to feel and get to a point where that familiarity and rememberance of how sex was between us begins to fade a bit. She didn't say it but knowing she wanted her pussy and body to become more used to being with Paul was a huge turnon to me. While I didn't tell her that, I did share a concern that "are we going to be okay in the long term" and that I added "I wasn't thinking it'd be forever".
She turned and kissed me and told me that it wouldn't be forever and she assured me that "you'll be back in me at some point baby" and I told her that was good and what I needed to hear. She added that it wouldn't be something though that we just return to and she told me at one point that "we'll have to you know, re-seduce each other" and she also said "I want us to restart very slowly baby.... just a little bit at a time....". She had a sound to her voice that said she was more emotional than insistent. I told her that it was my biggest concern - that the longer we didn't reconnect "you know... physically..." that it would maybe be something that grew between us. She looked at me and said something she'd said a while ago "baby, I want this to feel as real as it can be... so.... I don't think that far...." and she was quiet for a bit and then said "but I know that I do want you back again... just not sure when....." and a second later she asked "do you really need to know something more?". I held her hands and I told her that as long as that thought is there and doesn't leave, that "you can take as long as you need baby".
At that she looked at me and said "we haven't talked a lot about it yet...." and she paused and then said "baby.... I want to do anal with him more...." she said it quickly but she said it clearly. I told her "I expected... I know it seemed to be something you needed....". She looked at me and said "I hope you understand, it's not something I'm ready to share with you just yet....." and she added "in some ways it's even harder than trying to let you watch that first time". I asked her what she meant and she said that it's still not something she's really comfortable with just yet "as opposed to it just being sex that, well, I knew how to do" and she laughed out loud. She was right, we hadn't really talked much about it and I just said "whenever you're ready..." and I added " to talk about it, or, whenever you think you're ready to let me watch". She held my hand tightly and said "it's going to be a little while" and I just told her "it's okay, I heard you and I know I'm not ready to see you yet, not until I hear you being more comfortable about it". She blushed a little and said it was good that I understood.
She is NOT seeing him this week, not until this weekend - and as of now, he will be staying Saturday night. I told her that I liked how it was this past weekend when we had some time together and she said she too liked it and that she will be talking to him about all that, especially with golf-season around the corner.