Whatevur:
whatevur said:
Someone above asked if I was living with dad. Yeah i've been living with him for the last few weeks since theres no reason for me to stay at my other place with everything thats going on. My job hasn't quite shut down, but I'm not part of the essential staff so i haven't worked for a while. School has stopped too.
That was me. Thanks for the clarification.
whatevur said:
Dad has been gone the last few weeks for work, so i've had a lot of time to be with Joann. She's been coming over and we'll hang out most of the day since we can't do much else. It's been very bonding and I feel a lot more secure in our relationship (if you can call it that at this point).
This sounds positive.
whatevur said:
JoAnn and I have been playing video games a lot these past few weeks. We've also been cooking together. That's pretty fun. It's nice that we're cooking for each other. When she cooks for dad it makes me jealous. She said that when were all here, she cooks for both dad and me equally. She backed this up by pointing out that she had made several meals that I like (that my dad doesn't really care for). This warmed my heart.
Good.
whatevur said:
We talked about her relationship with my dad.
Also good. Ms. Joann is the most important person to talk with about that, other than your father, who obviously knows he's competing with you for the affections of Ms. Joann.
whatevur said:
We talked about what she saw in him, what about him appealed to her, etc. She said she was always attracted to older men. She doesn't know why. She like his 'dad body' and how he 'envelopes' her when they hug. Yuck.
When a young woman who's attractive enough to have a choice for a long-term marriage partner between a man about her own age (you, in this case) and a substantially older but established man (your father, in this case), she has to make a bet. The bet is: if she chooses the young man, she has to assume he will be capable of "making it" in the future and providing her and her children with a good, safe home and a good income — good socioeconomic status, in other words. But, she doesn't know for sure whether that will be the case, so this choice is a little bit dicey. You, for instance (according to what you've said), have not yet finished college and have a job where, during the present coronavirus pandemic crisis, you are not considered "essential."
Alternatively, the young woman (Ms. Joann) can choose the considerably older man (your father), knowing he is demonstrably established — your father has a job that's requiring him to travel, which means he, unlike many men, has not lost his job (as yet) during the present coronavirus / covid-19 pandemic — and, I would guess, he owns the house or condominium where he is providing you with a place to live. On the down side, the young woman (Ms. Joann) knows the much older man (your father) may not last long with providing her with good sexual satisfaction, even if he's good in bed initially, and she will probably have to care for him when he is old and decrepit and she is still relatively young.
Ms. Joann appears to be making her bet in favor of your father. But, I suspect she is not motivated only by the above. There is also her religious faith. You said Ms. Joann is a Mormon. As you know, I'm sure, the Mormon's have a tradition of polygamy, under which, prior to 1890, a man could take more than one wife. (In practice, apparently only about 5 to 15% of Mormon men met with the churches approval to take multiple wives. A women did not have the right to take multiple husbands.) As you may also know, in 1890 the Mormon's were ****** to abandon polygamy as an integral component of their religion, and accept it's illegality under U.S. law. However, under this tradition an older, established (relatively wealthy and suitably religious) male Mormon could, and did, take multiple young women as wives. This tradition may underlie Ms. Joann's Mormon parents being supportive of her relationship with your much-older father, while not being supportive (as I recall you've said) of her relationship with you. And, it also seems possible this Mormon tradition may underlie, in part, Ms. Joann's attraction to your much-older father. In addition, it may be important to Ms. Joann for her parents to approve of her choice of a long-term (i.e., marriage) partner.
whatevur said:
She [Ms. Joann] likes the way he [my father] smells.
As I understand it, if a woman likes the way a man smells, and vice-versa, that's a signal, developed over the incredibly long times of human evolution, that their gnomes differ sufficiently that their offspring — whose gnomes will be a combination of the two — will have increased resistance to disease. But, I'll leave it to you to research this question (if you're interested).
whatevur said:
....... For some reason, my father has been trying to get Ms. Joann to start smoking. She said that whenever they go to his room to make out (that hurt to hear), he pulls a pack of cigarettes out of the drawer and offers her one. He doesn't smoke.
This is really dangerous. The nicotine in cigarettes is highly addicting. I'll speculate your father may be trying to get Ms. Joann addicted to cigarettes to draw her closer to him, because she would then have to enjoy her cigarette addiction in the privacy of his bedroom (presumably) to avoid the disapproval of others. And, smoking cigarettes really does cause lung cancer and a broad variety of other health aliments. Thus, your father is endangering Ms. Joann's health and, over the longer term, her life.
whatevur said:
She thinks it's gross, so she always refuses. I can't understand this.
Good. You need to strongly encourage Ms. Joann to continue to refuse accepting cigarettes, even one, from your father or from anyone else. And, you REALLY need to request your father, in a direct conversation with him, cease and desist from this practice.
whatevur said:
I asked if she loved him. She kinda clammed up. I told her that she can tell me anything. She says the thinks she loves him but isn't sure. They haven't said it to eachother yet. She asked how that makes me feel. I said it makes me jealous. I don't like it. I said I love her no matter what, though, even if she loves my dad. I told her that I know it's just a matter of time, and I'll live with whatever happens. She said she will probably tell dad she loves him sometime soon.
See my comments, above, re. the probable "why's" of this. In any case, the 3-way love (or affection) triangle between you, Ms. Joann and your father has the appearance of heading toward a very bad, tragic outcome.
Thus, I'll close by stressing that you really do need to get a handle on your feelings of jealousy. I'll try to get this point across by paraphrasing a comment I once read by a law officer. He said: "In homicides involving a love triangle, the woman's husband (or intimate partner or would-be intimate partner, as in your case) is ALWAYS the first suspect. And, sadly, he is often the last suspect."
Please recognize that jealousy can get out of hand. And if it does, it can permanently ruin your life — as well as your father's life, and potentially Joann's life too.
whatevur said:
Thanks for the advice and messages.
You're welcome. Please take my concluding comments seriously. They are the reason I spent more than a little time responding to your post.
—Custer