The Joke Page

  • Thread startergreymaster
  • Start date
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.
 
The country boy who told his pappy, I got a girlfriend, and she's a virgin. Pappy says can't date her. Why asks the boy. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours!
 
His wife being 8 months pregnant, poor husband has had to sleep on the floor and this made him desperate for sex.
One night as she lay on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes staring widely into the empty air. Feeling sorry for her husband, she takes her wallet and fishes out $50 and gives it to him. “Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens only once, okay? Don’t ask me to do this again.”
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she might change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later he returns hands the money back to the wife, and says with much disappointment, “She said this is not enough, she wants $100.” The wife’s face slowly turns red with anger. “Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him $50!”
 
i caught my best friend licking my wifes fanny,she was really enjoying it,i was devastated
"so what did you do?"
"i said,GET DOWN ROVER!"

a frenchman confesses to his priest
"Father i have sinned,during the war i hid a British airman in my attic"
"That's not a sin,it is an act of great courage"
"but i charged him 20 francs a day,every day of his stay"
"well it's not something to be proud of,but at least you saved a life"
"just one thing more,father,do you think i should tell him the war is over?"
 
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered
around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she
gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have
some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there.
She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in
school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and
she said,
"But Miss Lewis, not even when things are all fucked up?!"
 
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex
marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with
my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy
replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"



A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad
where did all of my intelligence come from?" The
father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from
your mother, cause I still have mine"

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very
carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've
decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very
fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
 
brilliant jokes.
 
Great work guys :D I just stole the following from an online friend:

Missing Cock

The priest in a small village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
 
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
 
woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can
grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her
panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, "There! I have hair on my
chest, now buy me the damn coat!" "That's not your chest!" he roars back.
Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was
your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards
it became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...
IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?' 'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains. 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...' The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!' The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
 
greymaster said:
Ma and Dad have brought their little boy up to say his prayers at night. One night he says love you ma, love you dad goodbye grandad.
Next day grandad dies!!!
Next night the little boy says love you ma love you dad goodbye gran.
next morning gran dies.
next night the little boy says love you ma goodbye dad!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dad takes to his bed worried sick and asks his wife to make him some tea. His beloved wife says you shall have to take it without milk, the milkman just dropped dead.
Click to expand...

Hahaha good one!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his Computer, and at the
appropriate point in the Process, told him that he would now need to
Enter a password. Something he will use to Log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood And figured he would try for the shock effect to Bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the Computer asked him to enter his password, he Made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was Keying in
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***


 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back