The Joke Page

  • Thread startergreymaster
  • Start date
G

greymaster

Slut Lover!
Beloved Member
Jul 22, 2008
1,871
22
38
I've seen the 'songs for cuckolds' thread and found the 'In the News' area, then thought to myself "Most newspapers have some jokes in them" - so I'll start things off, and anyone else can join in with their Cuckold or HotWife based jokes:


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

------------------------

Ma and Dad have brought their little boy up to say his prayers at night. One night he says love you ma, love you dad goodbye grandad.
Next day grandad dies!!!
Next night the little boy says love you ma love you dad goodbye gran.
next morning gran dies.
next night the little boy says love you ma goodbye dad!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dad takes to his bed worried sick and asks his wife to make him some tea. His beloved wife says you shall have to take it without milk, the milkman just dropped dead.
 
They had four very beautiful girls, tried once more, they hoped that this time it would be a boy. It turned out to be another girl. But this baby was ugly, the father could hardly believe how ugly this kid was. After he had sired four beauties, how come this one turned out so ugly? He asked his wife if she was unfaithful . She answered him “ not this time “
 
very funny!

both of you... :D

(any more by the way? I'm rubbish at jokes!!!)
 
A religious man kicked the bucket. Moments later he found himself standing at the pearly gates. He was effusively welcomed by St. Peter, who mentioned that "many famous people are in heaven.... is there anyone he would like to meet?"

The religious man said "yes, he had always greatly admired the Virgin Mary*, and would very much like to meet her."

A short time later St. Peter introduced the religious man to the Virgin Mary. After the customary pleasantries, he went on to say that "in every painting of her he had seen, she always looked very sad. Why was that?"

The Virgin Mary, still looking morose, said: "I wanted a girl." :D

*After history's most famous cuckolding incident, the Bible records no comment by Joseph — the Virgin Mary's husband — regarding the origins of the subsequent child, suggesting that some form of payoff may have ensured his discrete silence on this important subject.

_______________

Meanwhile, an engineer kicked the bucket. Moments later, he too found himself standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter, inspecting his records, informed him that regrettably he had not made the cut — and consigned him to hell.

Subsequently, the engineer found himself introduced to Satan — who, as everyone knows, is employed by God to manage hell (i.e., God delegates that task).

Some time later, Satan's phone rang. It was God, calling for his monthly progress report. "How's it going?" God enquired.

"Great! ever since that engineer arrived," replied Satan. "Now we have air conditioning, and all of us are walking around on shoes with insulated soles. It's never been better!"

"Hm...." replied God, "maybe I was too hasty. I want him back."

"Forget it!" said Satan, "No way."

"Indeed!" replied God. "I'll sue you!"

"Hah!" said Satan. "Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer!?" :D

_____________
 
... continued (in the same style)...

"While you're on the line - I'm trying to organize a dog show for next week".

"Why are you telling me that?", asks Satan, "It's well known that all the dogs go to heaven."

"Yes," replies God, "but you've got all the judges"

:rolleyes:
:D


{I know - no 'cuckold' content, but you can't miss a lead in like that} ;)
 
Cartoon seen in the paper last week:


Man and woman sitting naked on the bed, woman says:

"Oh my God - It's my husband.

Quick... pretend this is your cigarette"

:D
 
Sex Lessons From a Black Man

I have become good friends with the black man whose locker is next to mine at work. One days he says
"You don't look too happy, what seems to be the problem?"
I say "Tyrone, I just don't know my wife just doesn't seem turned on to me any more."
'Why don't you try what I do? When I want to make love first I walk in and slap my cock against the bed 2 or 3 times then she knows I'm ready."

When I go home that night my wife is already in bed. I think now is the time to try Tyrone"s trick. I take off my cloths, walk up to the bed and slap my dick against the bed 3 times 'wack wack wack'. My wife turns over and says
"That you Tyrone?"
 
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
 
A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now." So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.
 
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.
 
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
 
nania

i said to my wife,Nania(i call her Nania,because she has long golden hair,like a lion,she looks like a witch,and is the size of a wardrobe) where would you like to go for your birthday?
I'd like to go somewhere REALLY expensive,she replied
So i took her to the PETROL STATION
--------------------------------------------------------------
A bit sexist,i know,sorry
----------------------------------------------------------------
I was in Liverpool the other day,do you know it's the only place in the UK where you can drive for 30mins and STILL be at the scene of the crime,BOOM BOOM
 
2 liners

Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky Fried Chicken batter? It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin' good.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend see you.

Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.

What's the difference between a job and a wife? After five years, the job still sucks.

How do you make paper dolls? Screw an old bag.

Bumper sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot.

How are an oven and a woman alike?
You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.

Remember what's worse than getting ***** by Jack the Ripper? (Getting
fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what's worse than that?
Getting eaten out by Jaws.

Why was the stamp commemorating ************ so unpopular?
You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

How do you make a hormone? Put sand in the Vaseline.

What's a cunt that talks back? An answering cervix.

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
Mikey ... He'll eat anything.

Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose?
So they won't whistle on the way down.

How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
Look for the dandruff on her shoes.

Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
In case you miss.

Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
So you can carry them home like a six-pack.

How does a girl hold her liquor? By the ears!

How is a woman like an airplane? Both have cockpits.

How is a woman like a road? Both have manholes.

Which of the group doesn't belong (eggs, wife, meat, blowjob)?

A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can't beat a blowjob

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning? Sends him to work.

How many male Chauvinists does it take to clean a toilet ????
None ! That’s women’s work.

What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant? Her feet!

How does a women get a mink coat ? The same way mink gets a mink.
What do the two million battered wives in America all have in common?
They don't know when the hell to shut up.

 
Q-a

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife:
A: 45 lbs

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 Minutes

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $4.99 a minute

Q: How can you tell when a wife is dead?
A: The sex is still the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell when a husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote control.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law

Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: A Brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all of the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What is a man's view of "safe sex"?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at parties.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasms?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
the refrigerator.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Polack and a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin

Q: How are women like clams?
A: You don't eat them when the red tide comes in.

Q: What do you call a woman who just lost 185 pounds of useless fat?
A: A divorcee.

Q: Why do women have periods? A: Because they deserve them.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A: A widow.
 
# Why are condoms transparent?
So that sperms can atleast enjoy the scene, even if their entry is
restricted.. .!

# Girl: Xcuse me brother, that's my seat.
Boy: OK! But I'm not ur brother, my father never fucked ur mom.
Girl: True, but my father did !

# What is Female Viagra
Jewellery.

# I'm not a Gynaecologist, but I wouldn't mind having a look.

# What is d similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument.. .

# What is Fashion Designing?
Too many brains working on too little clothes with too many ideas on
how to cover two little areas.

# This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare
because we care!

# Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands
for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

# Why is a woman's pubic hair curly?
So that it won't poke a man in the eye!

#Man on long tour asks friend 2 inform if anything unusual happens
at home.
friend SMSs after a month: Man who comes 2 Screw Ur Wife daily, didnt
come today.

# The stock markets now are like an old man's penis;
Just refusing to rise, and The irony is that everyone is still getting
fucked!

# Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

# Indian: Sir we got a huge order from usa for 16 inches condoms. I
think it is to embrass us.
Boss: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE.

Keep smiling
 
my team

On paper my team is the best in the world,it's on grass that they are rubbish
 
The plane was delayed, I arrived late in LaGuardia, it was raining and winding, I had only ten Dollars in my pocket and needed a taxi. That late, there was only one cab. I asked the driver “How much to Flushing Booth Memorial Hospital?” The answer was “about twelve Dollars”. I told the guy I had only ten bucks and asked if he could not take me to my destination since it was such lousy weather. The taxi driver told me he could only take me as far as the money would reach. I got in, figuring I could persuade the driver to take me all the way. Nothing doing, at Main Street and the Botanical Garden the taxi stopped, the taxi meter showed the ten Dollars were used. I had to get out and walk the last half mile through the rain.
A week later I arrived at LaGuardia on time. There were eleven taxis waiting for passengers. I went to the first guy and asked “Main Street & Roosevelt Ave in Flushing, how much?” I was told “about twelve bucks.” Look, I said “ I give you twenty if you drive me and also give me a blow job.” He got wild, “you pervert, you bastard get out of here. Go to hell.”
I went to the next cabby and made him the same proposition. I got the same rebuff. This went on at nine taxies. They all called me names and told me to beet it.
The tenth guy was the driver from last week. He still recognized me from a week ago. Without me saying something he hollered at me “It’s twelve green ones” I told him
Look, I pay you twenty Dollars but you have to drive past the cabbies in front of you very slowly.” He drove as fast as a man can walk, I rolled down the window and waved at all the other guys
 
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry
about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says..., "Doesn't matter...let's look for yours
 
carts

a guy is pushing six carts down main street,a policeman stops him,
"hey where you going with all those carts,the supermarket is in the other direction"
"i know,but they are only a pound each,bound to come in handy at home"

I don't know if my American friends will get it,in the UK you have to put a pound in the slot,to get a cart
 
joke

a guy applies for a job in New York
"what does the job entail?"
"well when the gorgeous models come in,they strip off and you have to make sure that their pubes are trimmed neat and tidy for the photoshoot,then you have to make sure that they dress in the sexiest lingerie,and make sure their bras look good using your hands to squeeze their tits in,also make sure their thongs,are straight"
"Oh wow,i think i would like to apply for the job"
"do you know where Texas is?"
"is that where the photoshoot is?"
"No,thats where the end of the que is"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back