So, I’ve had a chance to think about this a lot. I know this can be interpreted as rationalizing, but, I have known about Amber’s “infidelity” for our whole relationship, and if I hadn’t been willing to accept it I never would have been able to marry such a hot sexy great girl. Prior to me, she had never been faithful to any boyfriend. I can thank her dad and her first boyfriend for that. Her dad was/is a classic type A alpha charmer apparently, and as I have said before, cheated on her mom constantly and then left them when she was around 12. Her first real boyfriend (as in sex) was apparently a junior version, high-school quarterback, great looking guy. And he cheated on her with a cheerleader. She ended up cheating back on him with the chearleader’s older brother. She has told me the rush she felt when she was back with her BF after her “revenge” fuck was incredible and liberating to her. The brother was smart enough to keep his mouth shut too, so Amber learned the value of choosing lovers well. Prior to me the guys Amber dated were like the high-school quarterback, good-looking, alpha types. And she cheated on all of them. Even now, these are the guys she is attracted to. I’m the only beta guy she has dated. When she cheated on those kinds of guys she did it for a number of reasons, but (and she HATES this assessment of mine, but I think it is valid) there is a component of revenge against her dad. There is also, I think, an assertion of hers that she will not be dependent, like her mom was. So, if I hadn’t been into this, we would never have dated. She was surprised (pleasantly) to find out that a guy got into her fucking other guys. And if we had dated, and I wasn’t into this she would have cheated on me. When I met her she was dating an older married guy, which she told me about. What took longer for her to admit was that she had also just recently broken off an engagement with a guy who worked at the same investment firm and who thought he was a “master of the universe” and who treated her like a “little missy.” The older guy had met and “seduced” her at one of the work things they had to go to. When she broke up with the banker he was stunned because no one had ever broken up with him before and she told me her response was “well, then, I saved you from having to come up with a bullshit excuse for when you cheat on me.”
She is also fascinated by my cuckold desires. Even now, she loves, but doesn’t get, why I get off on her fucking other guys. She loves that moment of control when she is dating another guy in front of me. She tells me she gets the same rush as she got when she was “cheating” but that it is “more.” When I ask her about it, she admits that some of it is revenge, not against me, but guys (her dad) sort of a “Hah, you can’t control me” and also a “I’m not going to be like my mom and have a guy walk all over me.” Part of her choice three weeks ago to date Dr. M both nights, and part of her fun Thursday going out with J was exactly that. I came out to see her, she went out (openly) with a lover, and I didn’t stop her. Importantly, to her I also didn’t freak out. She loves the frisson of “cheating” without the need to sneak around.
Also importantly, I get off on it. I would have loved for her to drop everything three weeks ago and I would have loved to take her out dressed up like she was Thursday night BUT I also truly did love that agony of seeing my wife wearing a slinky hot little black dress knowing she had on a tiny jeweled thong and demi cup bra wearing 5 inch high strappy fuck me sandals watching like a weak little cuck from our guest room while she walked down our path with his hand on her ass and getting rock hard when she kissed him and then smiled and waved at me. J probably doesn’t know (or care) that part of the reason she was wet was that her husband was her step out on him and that her infidelity turns him on. When I came out three weeks ago her continuing to see Dr. M was a “you don’t control me” statement. And honestly, confident women turn me on. I don’t want to make the “but I was only doing it for you” argument, since I am clear eyed enough to know that Amber does in fact love the sex, the seduction, the dating, and frankly, the cuckolding. Thursday night was also a treat for me. Since we “separated” I don’t get to see her dating at all. I hear about it, but I don’t get to have that thrill. And what better way to feel that familiar and welcome agony of being cuckolded that watching your wife dress up for a fancy party on the first night you are supposed to be together?
Amber’s going with J wasn’t callous, it was calculated though. I truly believe that if she felt it would have been dangerous to go with him that night, she would have cancelled. As it was, over the past six weeks, she has asked me in a variety of ways if I am OK with her going, and to be honest, as much as it hurt to tell her go, I also truly did want her to. Willy is regrettably right, I knew Thursday night would hurt. And it did. I definitely had the knotted stomach, queasy feeling and was unable to eat dinner. I ended up taking a two hour walk down to the beach and around the neighborhood chastising myself for liking this kind of thing. But holy shit Friday was amazing. Just to prolong my agony, she had me meet her for breakfast. Cute little place near J’s house, and she arrives wearing same dress and heels from night before. She looked stunning, and to me even hotter. We got home around 10:00 and spent the next 5 hours fucking, sucking and dozing.
I suppose, in a perfect world she might have stayed home, but that has never been her for any of our relationship, and frankly is not the girl I fell in love with. The last three days have been amazing, and the next two probably will too. She is definitely my wife. Our marriage is definitely a work in progress, but I don’t feel like she discounts me or us.
