Harry/Peak - thanks for your support and commiseration. Yes, it was the stress at work that I was referring to - and to be very honest as I alluded to, in many ways it reinforced my desire to be the beta for Sue - at least for the time being. Not that I minded being the alpha for her but right now, as you pointed out, it's merely more stress. My god was it almost a relief that she went back to Paul's yesterday instead of them coming here. I'm feeling somewhat better today but still feel very tired mentally and physically.
However, things aren't as rosy as they'd been sounding or I'd alluded to. Sue came home from being at Pauls last night and came to me and said a few things that a part of me wasn't surprised at hearing. She's concluded that Paul isn't going to be the guy to give her this big affair type of thing. She said that she doesn't think that there's going to be all that much emotional bonding between them. She said that he's fun in bed and that he is most definitely fulfilling her desire to have another man sexually, she said it in such a way that it almost sounded like she was apologizing to me about it not being this big emotional thing she'd said she'd wanted.
When I pushed her she pretty much said that she just didn't feel the right "vibe" from him and that she doesn't feel that budding lusty feeling that she'd hoped she'd feel. Since we weren't having sex last night - I just wasn't up to it - it was easier to talk. She wanted reassurance (still after all this time? I guess it may never change) that I was okay with it being mainly a sexual relationship between them. I asked her a bit more and she actually said that it's something she feels but also is something that Paul had said to her, that she's "fun" but that he - either doesn't want it to become something more because of me - or that he's just not interested in that with her for whatever reason. She said she pushed him a bit but he didn't clarify it just that he said he was enjoying "finally having sex with someone fun" and that he intimated to her that he didn't really want much more than that. I asked her if there was another woman who he was seeing and she said no, that she's sure she's it for him right now. So I asked her what he was thinking when he pursued her and continued even when she said she was married. He admitted that if she weren't married, that it might have led to more but in the end she said that he seems happy "just to have sex with me".
We spent a little while talking about just that - how did she feel about that - did she want to be his girlfriend if that's what it meant. She said that he enjoyed taking her out and that they'd even danced a little bit before going back to his place yesterday and she's sure he'd want to do more of that. But at the same time, she doesn't see him asking her to go away with him, etc. She seemed a bit disappointed at times and said that she'd hoped she'd get to experience more with him in terms of feeling his desire and such. She said that she'd thought that maybe, over time, that she could have spent a night or two with him every now and then and, speaking abstractly she looked at me and asked me if I'd have been okay if she'd have even stayed overnight during the week with him. She said that was something that they'd talked about, what kinds of things she could and couldn't (or rather would and wouldn't) do with him.
It felt weird at first but I asked her how the sex was with him. She pointed out that they're still using condoms and she said that she thought that was a bit inhibiting for him, as we talked she said that she's going to tell him that if he gets tested that he can skip using them - and she made it a point to say "that might make things a little better" but she said that while the sex is good and she feels very relaxed/comfortable with him, that the sex isn't great-great. I asked her if the condom thing might make it better and she said yeah but I am not convinced that it's as fulfilling for her as I think she wants it to be.
What we did talk about before bed last night was about what might happen in the future. She said that because she isn't feeling everything she wanted with Paul, that she didn't feel as strongly about some of the other things we'd talked about. Obviously I pushed her and in the next few minutes she revealed that if she felt really strongly about Paul like she did about Robert and felt "that vibe", she looked at me and said "you know what I'd be asking your for soon". I pushed her to answer me as I didn't want any vagueness. She looked at me and said that because she's not feeling this lusty infatuation thing with him that she won't be pushing me regarding condom-use or more. When I was quiet for a moment she continued and said that when she starts going bare with him, that unless she starts to feel those deep kind of desires for him, that she wasn't going to insist about me using condoms or more. I guess I must have had some kind of surprised look on my face as I told her that "I'd just assumed that once he started going bare, that you were going to want that again". She smiled and said again that she didn't feel all that she wanted to make her want that with me - but a second later she smiled broadly and said "now, if it's something you want, then you can be the one to say so". Before I could say anything more she took a breath and continued and said in this really understanding voice "baby, if it's something that would turn you on, then that's okay with me if it's something you want to do..... really baby, it can be something you decide if you want" and she leaned over and kissed me.
We shared some more thoughts and she pretty much said that right now she's not feeling "the vibe" from him and that while she most definitely wants to continue having sex with him (she openly admitted "how much I missed it") and I told her that with how I'm feeling at work lately that I "welcomed the relief from him" which made her laugh. She repeated again at how she wanted all this to be good for me and basically said that if me using condoms would give me something more fulfilling, that it would be up to me to decide to do so for right now.
Of course things can and will change over time so much will depend on how things go this week. It looks like they've again settled into this Thursday routine and right now thinking about it, it would be pretty horny if she sometimes stayed over with him on Thursdays and then went straight into work on Friday.
Gotta run - need to finish a report showing expense variances by the end of this afternoon.
