I'm not sure what would work for you at this point in the relationship, but I'm pretty sure of one thing: you don't have a lot to lose by trying something new. You don't want to lose her, and I understand that, but in many important ways you've lost her already. You don't sound like the pushy type, and that's good, because I don't think you can push a woman into going elsewhere to find sex you don't provide. She might make that decision herself, but if she does, it probably won't involve you, and it might very well end in her leaving you for whoever she finds. So maybe you just level with her and bring things totally into the open. If you follow up on some of the reading recommendations of Custer and others, you'll find an interesting aside to your dilemma: when other men start fucking your wife, your own testosterone levels will go way up. It's nature's way of making you competitive in the breeding wars, the geopolitics of reproduction, if you will. Since it sounds like your testosterone levels are probably very low (doctors will nearly always tell you that your testosterone levels are "normal," even when you're obviously suffering from low sex drive and non-existent libido, perhaps because they fear the liability of exacerbating prostate cancer . . . even when you don't have prostate cancer!!!! You have to demand that they test different levels of testosterone, including serum testosterone in order to find out whether hormone therapy could help), so getting your wife new lovers might revive your own interest in sex, even if it's only an interest in being subservient to her and her lovers. There are too many unknown variables in your case, I think, for us to be of much help here, so I can only tell you a couple of things. First, you're not alone. Many of us have experienced what you're feeling and going through. Second, nothing succeeds in opening up new avenues of sexuality like honest discussions between partners. In your case, you have to find the right time to just go ahead and spit out what's on your mind: 1) your sex drive is dead, and though you regret it, you don't wish for a healthy, randy woman like her to be hurt her by your inadequacies; 2) you love her with all your heart and don't want to lose her over a single, though very important, component of a relationship; 3) you're not only willing to allow her to have sex with other men of her choice to make up for your own sexual deficiencies, you're excited by it, will totally support her in it, and it would take a huge burden off your back of having to be her only source of sexual satisfaction and excitement, a burden you've already failed miserably at; and 4) you like the idea of taking on a different role in the marriage, a subservient role where you assume many of her domestic duties, freeing her up to be the man of the house and pursue sexual adventures, adventures which you will help facilitate and cover for. Like I said, you have little to lose at this point, and a new and happy relationship to win. It all depends upon her reactions after you spill the beans. She may or may not go for it. It's a tricky proposition, and I've had it go both ways in my life. I've had women who recognized the wonderful position they'd be in with a guy like us and jumped in with both feet, though rarely, and I've had a lot more women who looked at me as some disgusting sub species of human being and never had any more to do with me. The latter are hard to take, but I always had the satisfaction of knowing that I'd been straight with them from the git-go, and it wouldn't have worked out, anyway. Truly, the hardest thing to take with the latter is the way women talk to their female friends about things like that, and how that gossip often made me a pariah in the local community. I left more than one town because of that. It sounds like you're almost to that sad point with your wife, anyway, and the good news is that she won't go blabbing to the whole town when you tell her what's in your heart and on your mind. Talking is not fucking. Try that first and see if it takes. Be honest, be open, be loving, and hope for the best. I hope it works out for you, because I know how lonely your present position is.
