I'm not so new here, been reading for a while but haven't posted anything yet because i didn't really feel like i had much to add. Lately i've been noticing something different about my wife. We had just enjoyed our 12 year aniversary, we are both in our early thirties but have never had much of a sex life. It's always been vanilla although i've tried to get her to do kinkier things, she just wasn't into it. Recently, she went shopping and brought home some new underwear. She has always, up till now, worn regular cotton granny panties, she didn't like anything special, but the stuff she brought home was all heavy on the satin and lace, see through on a few of them. Some thongs, some boy shorts, nothing like she ever had before. She didn't make a big deal about it, just tossed them in the laundry. She also started wearing thigh high pantyhose when she goes out in a skirt, never did that before either. She has been comming home later and later in the evenings, also been going out with her "friends" at least once a week. I don't know if that's true or not, just unusual. Our sex is still on a once a week schedule, sometimes we miss a week here or there so that's nothing new. I bought her a strapon dildo a few years back and asked her to use it on me. She flat out refused and said that no way was she ever going to do that. Well, out of nowhere she asked where it was, tried it on, and used it on me. Used it on a few occasions which i must admit i enjoyed greatly. She has a big formal dinner for her work comming up in october. She showed me a ball gown she is going to wear, very slender and shows off her nice breasts very well. She also showed me the matching bra and panties and thigh highs. They are all black and very lacy. She said that i can't go to this ball, will be too expensive and i have to work anyway. She said that she will be drinking alot because that's what everyone does at these things, even though she doesn't drink. She also said not to worry about her getting home because i was concerned about that as well after a night of drinking, she said she would stay "someplace" and figure it out later. She also has been trimming her pussy hairs, not shaved or anything, just keeping them trimmed, something else she hasn't ever done before. Just strikes me as odd. I can't imagine she would ever fool around, but it seems odd. Thing is, i'd love for her to cuck me, perhaps she is and if she only would open up about it, i'd let her go out willingly. Don't know, time will tell i guess, but it sure seems like things are different over the last couple months.
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I think i may be a cuck
- Thread startermusms14
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Hi Musms
[snip]
Dude - somebody is banging her. Get a grip. You might want to just sit her down, confront her, and delineate all of the evidence you've discussed here. If she still denies it, then you have a problem because she is decietful - and unless you dig that, you're gonna end up miserable.
BB
[snip]
musms14 said:Thing is, i'd love for her to cuck me, perhaps she is and if she only would open up about it, i'd let her go out willingly. Don't know, time will tell i guess, but it sure seems like things are different over the last couple months.
Dude - somebody is banging her. Get a grip. You might want to just sit her down, confront her, and delineate all of the evidence you've discussed here. If she still denies it, then you have a problem because she is decietful - and unless you dig that, you're gonna end up miserable.
BB
E
enser
Guest
Hi there, it all looks that she gets some extras at work. That’s easy to confirm. They have a ball coming up and you are not allowed not attend. Do you really work at that time? Do you really concerned about the cost? If you ask your wife where that ball will be held (address) and she is unable or unwilling to tell you, she has an other ****** to accompany her. That’s her friend with privileges. If she does not tell you where this dance will take place, you could find out from another employ or from management.
You could be parked outside the place after ten o’clock and watch in what condition she is when she comes out, the time and in whose company. What time she comes home.
There is the possibility that she does not go to a ball, but to her fuckers apartment or with him to a hotel. In that case it could be that she comes home before you. No problem, she might think that you too laid some pipe somewhere else.
If you call the company, tell them you have to deliver flowers and you are not sure of the address . you can not tell for whom the flowers are. It’s supposed to be a surprise.
You could be parked outside the place after ten o’clock and watch in what condition she is when she comes out, the time and in whose company. What time she comes home.
There is the possibility that she does not go to a ball, but to her fuckers apartment or with him to a hotel. In that case it could be that she comes home before you. No problem, she might think that you too laid some pipe somewhere else.
If you call the company, tell them you have to deliver flowers and you are not sure of the address . you can not tell for whom the flowers are. It’s supposed to be a surprise.
A good working assumption would be....
Musms,
A good working assumption would be that your wife has made you her cuckold.
I'd say your main challenge is to convince your wife that you would find it very erotic to know she is finding sexual satisfaction with another man (/men), and guide her through a series of steps, that may involve some role-playing or other forms of game-playing, which will lead her to conclude her cuckolding of you is completely acceptable — AND, in addition, she will be better off if she openly adopts the role, with respect to you, of boss cuckoldress.
There are, of course, various possible ways of proceeding. The main question is whether you would find it desirable and erotic to adopt a course of action along these lines.
—Custer
Musms,
musms14 said:I can't imagine she would ever fool around, but it seems odd.
A good working assumption would be that your wife has made you her cuckold.
wildfi said:Thing is, i'd love for her to cuck me, perhaps she is and if she only would open up about it, i'd let her go out willingly.
I'd say your main challenge is to convince your wife that you would find it very erotic to know she is finding sexual satisfaction with another man (/men), and guide her through a series of steps, that may involve some role-playing or other forms of game-playing, which will lead her to conclude her cuckolding of you is completely acceptable — AND, in addition, she will be better off if she openly adopts the role, with respect to you, of boss cuckoldress.
There are, of course, various possible ways of proceeding. The main question is whether you would find it desirable and erotic to adopt a course of action along these lines.
—Custer
a little more info
I really can't go to the ball. It would cost me about 300 bucks for a tux, late night baby sitter, and my ticket alone is 150. She goes for free since she works there, free hooch, dinner and dancing. I also really do have to work so it's all good on that end too. Just find it odd that for a woman that doesn't drink, she plans on drinking, is dressed sexy, and told me not to worry about where she will be staying since she will just crash with a "friend" that lives near there. I know where it is being held, she never made a secret about that. I can't scope the place out and she knows it, i really do have to work, i work late nights every weekend. I was never suspicious before, it's just that infidelity seems to be everywhere around us lately. My brother's wife cucked him, although he isn't willing. He found out she had a fling with a friend of his and he isn't cool with it but won't leave her. My wife knows several people she works with that also are having affairs with different co workers and such. Not that i think she would, but it just seems strange that out of nowhere, she is buying sexy underwear and getting more kinky with me. Not more sex, but she isn't opposed to strapon sex or teasing and denial with me like she used to be. I don't want to confront her because it's something that is in my head, asside from what i said before, she shows no signs. I'm sure she will get upset if i do confront her because she always talks about how it isn't right when she talks about these other people and their affairs. Perhaps throwing me off her trail, i just don't know, but don't know how to bring it up. I think i'll just go with things as they are for now. Perhaps hint at it when having sex about how i sometimes fantasize about it. Maybe get into roleplay and ssee where things end up.
I really can't go to the ball. It would cost me about 300 bucks for a tux, late night baby sitter, and my ticket alone is 150. She goes for free since she works there, free hooch, dinner and dancing. I also really do have to work so it's all good on that end too. Just find it odd that for a woman that doesn't drink, she plans on drinking, is dressed sexy, and told me not to worry about where she will be staying since she will just crash with a "friend" that lives near there. I know where it is being held, she never made a secret about that. I can't scope the place out and she knows it, i really do have to work, i work late nights every weekend. I was never suspicious before, it's just that infidelity seems to be everywhere around us lately. My brother's wife cucked him, although he isn't willing. He found out she had a fling with a friend of his and he isn't cool with it but won't leave her. My wife knows several people she works with that also are having affairs with different co workers and such. Not that i think she would, but it just seems strange that out of nowhere, she is buying sexy underwear and getting more kinky with me. Not more sex, but she isn't opposed to strapon sex or teasing and denial with me like she used to be. I don't want to confront her because it's something that is in my head, asside from what i said before, she shows no signs. I'm sure she will get upset if i do confront her because she always talks about how it isn't right when she talks about these other people and their affairs. Perhaps throwing me off her trail, i just don't know, but don't know how to bring it up. I think i'll just go with things as they are for now. Perhaps hint at it when having sex about how i sometimes fantasize about it. Maybe get into roleplay and ssee where things end up.
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the plot thickens
Seems like things are moving quickly, i'm noticing stuff i may have overlooked before. I was getting groceries out of her car last night and saw a victorias secret bag. I asked about it and she said she got a gift card for there from her friend. She has been feeding her friends cat while she was out of town and this was to say thank you. Didn't know women gave each other victoria secret gift cards... She said she just bought some lotion. That may be true, but i did some snooping. She has a new lacy black baby doll in her drawer that i've never seen. She ususally just sleeps in sweats and a t shirt. It may be something she is holding back as a surprise for me, doesn't look like it's been worn. Still, things are all falling in line for me to be a cuck but i still just can't beleive it. She has always been asexual, never had much interest in sex before, still doesn't, at least with me. She just never got into it and it never was all that important to her so if she has a lover it would be very out of character for her, which is why i don't want to confront her. She would say that she doesn't enjoy sex with me all that much so why would she with someone else. Perhaps another side of me is enjoying the fantasy of her being with someone and i don't want to ruin that just yet.
Seems like things are moving quickly, i'm noticing stuff i may have overlooked before. I was getting groceries out of her car last night and saw a victorias secret bag. I asked about it and she said she got a gift card for there from her friend. She has been feeding her friends cat while she was out of town and this was to say thank you. Didn't know women gave each other victoria secret gift cards... She said she just bought some lotion. That may be true, but i did some snooping. She has a new lacy black baby doll in her drawer that i've never seen. She ususally just sleeps in sweats and a t shirt. It may be something she is holding back as a surprise for me, doesn't look like it's been worn. Still, things are all falling in line for me to be a cuck but i still just can't beleive it. She has always been asexual, never had much interest in sex before, still doesn't, at least with me. She just never got into it and it never was all that important to her so if she has a lover it would be very out of character for her, which is why i don't want to confront her. She would say that she doesn't enjoy sex with me all that much so why would she with someone else. Perhaps another side of me is enjoying the fantasy of her being with someone and i don't want to ruin that just yet.
E
enser
Guest
Hi there,
There are a lot of confusing ideas going through your head. Judging what you wrote, she is getting laid by a friend or she is trying to get another guy to please her pussy. Then there is the possibility that you exaggerated things and you are imagine things, because you enjoy the fantasy of her being with someone and you don't want to ruin that just yet Her suddenly buying her under-ware at Victoria-Secrets is no proof that she gets laid. You have to watch her habits very closely. Does she wear her fancy under-ware during the week and not on week-ends? Does she have a new lotion? My women, that is my wife and my daughter, buy their under-ware at Victoria-Secret. Doesn’t mean anything. Watch if she ever uses the new lacy black baby doll at home or if she takes it out at any time. This has to be done every day, she could sneak into a hotel during the day. Too bad that you can not call in sick the day of the ball. If she has a fucker on the side, you could find out for sure.
There are a lot of confusing ideas going through your head. Judging what you wrote, she is getting laid by a friend or she is trying to get another guy to please her pussy. Then there is the possibility that you exaggerated things and you are imagine things, because you enjoy the fantasy of her being with someone and you don't want to ruin that just yet Her suddenly buying her under-ware at Victoria-Secrets is no proof that she gets laid. You have to watch her habits very closely. Does she wear her fancy under-ware during the week and not on week-ends? Does she have a new lotion? My women, that is my wife and my daughter, buy their under-ware at Victoria-Secret. Doesn’t mean anything. Watch if she ever uses the new lacy black baby doll at home or if she takes it out at any time. This has to be done every day, she could sneak into a hotel during the day. Too bad that you can not call in sick the day of the ball. If she has a fucker on the side, you could find out for sure.
imagination
This could all be in my head, which is why i don't want to confront her. The thing is, i'm turned on by it and i could be just thinking to myself. She has been wearing her new underwear, could just mean she wants to feel sexy. She also may or may not have new lotion, she has tons of it and i'd never know what was new or not. I'll start checking on that new lingerie, that's not something she has worn for me and wouldn't have a cause to remove it from the house so that would be a good sign. She showed me the new bra and panties for the ball, but she hasn't worn them yet because she said that she didn't want them to get messed up in the laundry before the big night. It's little things that is making me wonder. Like heels, she never liked them before but got some very sexy ones to wear to this ball. The dress also shows her breasts off nicely and is very slender and sexy, never saw her in something like that before either but she said it was on clearance and that's why she bought it. May just be a coincidence that it's more sexy than normal. I guess i'll just have to pay close attention. Seems so out of character for her, but at the same time it's out of character for her to spend money on sexy underwear and lingerie. Her change in bed is also different. She isn't near as conservative as she has always been, like using the strapon with me and playing teasing and denial games, all her idea. I brought those ideas up years ago, but her idea to start them after refusing for all these years. She also has reservations about me going down on her. Sometimes it's ok and she doesn't fuss, other times she won't let me because she is concerened about how clean she may be. Doesn't mean someone was in there, but this is all adding up to something. Of course, doesn't mean someone is in there, and like i said, i may be just imagining it because i want to have the fantasy. May all be in my head, i'll keep up with my snooping though and if that baby doll leaves the house, i'll know and then i'll have to really think things out.
This could all be in my head, which is why i don't want to confront her. The thing is, i'm turned on by it and i could be just thinking to myself. She has been wearing her new underwear, could just mean she wants to feel sexy. She also may or may not have new lotion, she has tons of it and i'd never know what was new or not. I'll start checking on that new lingerie, that's not something she has worn for me and wouldn't have a cause to remove it from the house so that would be a good sign. She showed me the new bra and panties for the ball, but she hasn't worn them yet because she said that she didn't want them to get messed up in the laundry before the big night. It's little things that is making me wonder. Like heels, she never liked them before but got some very sexy ones to wear to this ball. The dress also shows her breasts off nicely and is very slender and sexy, never saw her in something like that before either but she said it was on clearance and that's why she bought it. May just be a coincidence that it's more sexy than normal. I guess i'll just have to pay close attention. Seems so out of character for her, but at the same time it's out of character for her to spend money on sexy underwear and lingerie. Her change in bed is also different. She isn't near as conservative as she has always been, like using the strapon with me and playing teasing and denial games, all her idea. I brought those ideas up years ago, but her idea to start them after refusing for all these years. She also has reservations about me going down on her. Sometimes it's ok and she doesn't fuss, other times she won't let me because she is concerened about how clean she may be. Doesn't mean someone was in there, but this is all adding up to something. Of course, doesn't mean someone is in there, and like i said, i may be just imagining it because i want to have the fantasy. May all be in my head, i'll keep up with my snooping though and if that baby doll leaves the house, i'll know and then i'll have to really think things out.
E
enser
Guest
Hi there,
if you could be parked in front of the place where the ball will take place, you would definitely get confirmation if somebody lays some pipe in your Garden of Eden. Another way to find out is via that [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']baby doll. If it is not in a plastic wrapper, put a little piece of paper, about a square inch of newspaper in between, from week to week you can check if that innocent little test material is still there. Does she work at daytime and you work at night?[/FONT]
if you could be parked in front of the place where the ball will take place, you would definitely get confirmation if somebody lays some pipe in your Garden of Eden. Another way to find out is via that [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']baby doll. If it is not in a plastic wrapper, put a little piece of paper, about a square inch of newspaper in between, from week to week you can check if that innocent little test material is still there. Does she work at daytime and you work at night?[/FONT]
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O
okdeacon
Guest
Hey MUSMS14
This is probably just to simple. Pussy doesn't lie, if she has been dicked the pussy will show the wear!. How it makes no difference if she is PLAYING refusal games with you or not. You can PLAY, taking no for an answer and check her pussy. Ckeck her panties and boy shorts. She cannot hide the evidence of fucking from you. Totally up to you but in reading your posts for your sake I HOPE she is fucking around. If she is you need to know about it. For her saftey and your sexual satisfaction. Good Luck. okdeacon
This is probably just to simple. Pussy doesn't lie, if she has been dicked the pussy will show the wear!. How it makes no difference if she is PLAYING refusal games with you or not. You can PLAY, taking no for an answer and check her pussy. Ckeck her panties and boy shorts. She cannot hide the evidence of fucking from you. Totally up to you but in reading your posts for your sake I HOPE she is fucking around. If she is you need to know about it. For her saftey and your sexual satisfaction. Good Luck. okdeacon
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E
enser
Guest
Hi there,
if you could be parked in front of the place where the ball will take place, you would definitely get confirmation if somebody lays some pipe in your Garden of Eden. Another way to find out is via that baby doll. If it is not in a plastic wrapper, put a little piece of paper, about a square inch of newspaper in between, from week to week you can check if that innocent little test material is still there. Does she work at daytime and you work at night?
if you could be parked in front of the place where the ball will take place, you would definitely get confirmation if somebody lays some pipe in your Garden of Eden. Another way to find out is via that baby doll. If it is not in a plastic wrapper, put a little piece of paper, about a square inch of newspaper in between, from week to week you can check if that innocent little test material is still there. Does she work at daytime and you work at night?
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Confronting your wife would be a bad idea. You need a more psychological approach...
Musms14,
Confronting your wife would be a bad idea. You definitely don't want to do that, in my opinion. Confrontations bring out hot tempers, lead to arguments, and generally end with bad (perhaps bitter) feelings. A result could easily be that your wife would become more secretive. If she has an alternative, i.e., a lover who is giving her hot sex — and it sounds like she does — confronting her could lead to losing her. I gather you don't want that, nor should you.
Since you say you are turned on by thoughts that your wife has made you her cuckold (this seems very likely, from your posts), I would suggest an approach along the following lines. Bring up, in casual conversation, that hot wife / cuckold husband marriages seem to be becoming more accepted throughout society. Refer her to this article:
For Women Scandalous Magazine cuckolding, Playgirl, fashion, beauty, health, sex advice for women
then ask her what she thinks about this. Make it nonjudgmental. Avoid giving her the impression you're trying to "get out of her" whether she has taken a lover.
If your wife seems "interested," or says something like "that seems interesting, but it's 'wrong' " (but she does not seem put off by it and does not become hostile), you might let the article sink in for a while, then later, at some suitable time, mention that many men find it intensely erotic for their wives to increase their sexual satisfaction by taking lovers. So much so that they carry out elaborate schemes to persuade them to do so, even though their wives are often resistant. As an example of this, refer your wife to the eight-part article that begins here:
» A Wife Into A Hotwife Hot Wife Blog - hotwife and cuckold husband fetish discussion
and give her some time to think about it. Again, somewhat later, ask her what her thoughts are on this phenomenon. Do it in a way that gives her the impression you find it intriguing. Again, make it conversational, not confrontational, and avoid giving her the impression you are being judgmental or are pushing her or are trying to get her to confess to anything.
This should begin to give you an idea "where your wife is at" with respect to the concept of openly becoming your cuckoldress, and you can begin giving thought to the question of how to proceed from there.
—Custer
Musms14,
musms14 said:This could all be in my head, which is why i don't want to confront her. The thing is, i'm turned on by it....
Confronting your wife would be a bad idea. You definitely don't want to do that, in my opinion. Confrontations bring out hot tempers, lead to arguments, and generally end with bad (perhaps bitter) feelings. A result could easily be that your wife would become more secretive. If she has an alternative, i.e., a lover who is giving her hot sex — and it sounds like she does — confronting her could lead to losing her. I gather you don't want that, nor should you.
Since you say you are turned on by thoughts that your wife has made you her cuckold (this seems very likely, from your posts), I would suggest an approach along the following lines. Bring up, in casual conversation, that hot wife / cuckold husband marriages seem to be becoming more accepted throughout society. Refer her to this article:
For Women Scandalous Magazine cuckolding, Playgirl, fashion, beauty, health, sex advice for women
then ask her what she thinks about this. Make it nonjudgmental. Avoid giving her the impression you're trying to "get out of her" whether she has taken a lover.
If your wife seems "interested," or says something like "that seems interesting, but it's 'wrong' " (but she does not seem put off by it and does not become hostile), you might let the article sink in for a while, then later, at some suitable time, mention that many men find it intensely erotic for their wives to increase their sexual satisfaction by taking lovers. So much so that they carry out elaborate schemes to persuade them to do so, even though their wives are often resistant. As an example of this, refer your wife to the eight-part article that begins here:
» A Wife Into A Hotwife Hot Wife Blog - hotwife and cuckold husband fetish discussion
and give her some time to think about it. Again, somewhat later, ask her what her thoughts are on this phenomenon. Do it in a way that gives her the impression you find it intriguing. Again, make it conversational, not confrontational, and avoid giving her the impression you are being judgmental or are pushing her or are trying to get her to confess to anything.
This should begin to give you an idea "where your wife is at" with respect to the concept of openly becoming your cuckoldress, and you can begin giving thought to the question of how to proceed from there.
—Custer
really wondering
Ok, you guys may be on to something. For example, this morning she has to run into town. Hour and a half drive counting the shit she had to do at the most. She gets home 3 and a half hours later. Made me late for work. Anyway, was wondering why she was looking good for the errands she had to run but didn't think much about it, had those nice jeans on that make her butt look cute. Anyway, i get home after a few hours, just to shower and go back to work, and she is changed. Changed from the outfit of this morning into something more comfortable, old shirt and sweats. This is where it gets fucked up. In the bathroom, when i go to shower, her clothes from this morning are in a pile. Sure enough, her panties are there. Now, i'm wondering, i can understand the switch in clothing, but she only had the panties on for a few hours, why change those too. I looked them over well. No wetness, but a sign none the less. There was a white stain. Nothing extreme, but still there. Made me wonder, do women excrete something, like sweat or something? Doesn't have to be cum does it? Could be anything, but i know she cleans herself up well after we have sex, perhaps this is the part she missed? This still doesn't give me any idea why a change in underwear after only 4 hours. The other part thats making me wonder. If i encouraged her to sleep around, that would be one thing, but she is doing this on her own. I'd still be ok, but that means she has a romantic involvement and not just a sexual one right? If i make my move and try to get her to come out and admit it, will she admit that she likes this guy better and want a divorce? Can't imagine that, with the kids and all, i think she would stay, but can i be sure? This turned from a fantasy into a reality i am guessing and i may not be in the picture in the future. Just not sure what to make of things. I can't very well demand to inspect her pussy, she wouldn't go for that even if she didn't do anything. She just isn't that way, she would be greatly offended and a huge fight would result no matter what the end. I'm really starting to wonder now. I never looked that closely before but now i'm wondering.
Ok, you guys may be on to something. For example, this morning she has to run into town. Hour and a half drive counting the shit she had to do at the most. She gets home 3 and a half hours later. Made me late for work. Anyway, was wondering why she was looking good for the errands she had to run but didn't think much about it, had those nice jeans on that make her butt look cute. Anyway, i get home after a few hours, just to shower and go back to work, and she is changed. Changed from the outfit of this morning into something more comfortable, old shirt and sweats. This is where it gets fucked up. In the bathroom, when i go to shower, her clothes from this morning are in a pile. Sure enough, her panties are there. Now, i'm wondering, i can understand the switch in clothing, but she only had the panties on for a few hours, why change those too. I looked them over well. No wetness, but a sign none the less. There was a white stain. Nothing extreme, but still there. Made me wonder, do women excrete something, like sweat or something? Doesn't have to be cum does it? Could be anything, but i know she cleans herself up well after we have sex, perhaps this is the part she missed? This still doesn't give me any idea why a change in underwear after only 4 hours. The other part thats making me wonder. If i encouraged her to sleep around, that would be one thing, but she is doing this on her own. I'd still be ok, but that means she has a romantic involvement and not just a sexual one right? If i make my move and try to get her to come out and admit it, will she admit that she likes this guy better and want a divorce? Can't imagine that, with the kids and all, i think she would stay, but can i be sure? This turned from a fantasy into a reality i am guessing and i may not be in the picture in the future. Just not sure what to make of things. I can't very well demand to inspect her pussy, she wouldn't go for that even if she didn't do anything. She just isn't that way, she would be greatly offended and a huge fight would result no matter what the end. I'm really starting to wonder now. I never looked that closely before but now i'm wondering.
I get it, converstation not confrontation. I don't know about showing her those articles, don't think she would like that either, but talking about my brother may be the trick. Just say something like i don't know why he was so upset, i'd be turned on. I told her years ago she could have sex with whoever she wanted without my permission so long as she told me all about it when she got home. We were talking women though, a lesbian experience. I don't know if she remembers that or not. At the time though, it was a possibilty that a lesbian encounter could happen so i didn't want to spoil the mood if it did with her calling me first or something. Perhaps tell her that still goes, even if it's a man, so long as she tells me. Of course, if she is already in a relationship, she probably wouldn't tell me anything and just keep going in silent mode. Conversation would be the key though, talk it out, tell her it turns me on, etc.
Musms14,
OK, it sounds like you may be starting to get it now.
You can assume she remembers that. It isn't the sort of thing a married woman forgets. If your wife had said something like that to you, would you forget it...—? I don't think so.
If your wife had an affair with another woman "years ago," and appears to be having an affair now, I would guess it means one of three things.
1. She is lesbian, but she married you because of social convention and because she wants to have children at some point.
2. She is bisexual or hetero, but she and you have not been able to "connect" sexually very well, for some reason(s) or other. (Apparently hetero women, in a broad sense, have greater ability than hetero men to find sexual satisfaction with members of the same sex, at times when that seems necessary or desirable.)
3. She is hetero, but had a lesbian affair years ago for the reason, possibly, suggested in "2." She is having an affair now with another man whom she finds exciting and sexually satisfying, perhaps for the other reason suggested in "2." That is, you and she have not been able to connect sexually very well.
Rather than becoming preoccupied with trying to determine whether 1, 2, or 3 is actually the case, I would suggest asking her, at some appropriate time, if she recalls the time when you told her it would be OK, from your point of view, if she had sex with whomever she wanted. She'll remember, of course, but if she pretends not to — or if she says she does remember — I suggest reinforcing that message by telling her in a reasonable, conversational way that as far as you're concerned it's still OK. Don't remind her of any conditions, like "only if she tells you about it afterwards (or before and after)."
If your conversation seems to be going reasonably well, and it appears you can continue without your wife becoming anxious or upset, I suggest using this opening as a lead-in to a comment that "does she think it would be reasonable, if she has an affair and it continues beyond some particular length of time (1 month? 2 months?), for her to tell you about it? If she looks uncomfortable and doesn't seem to want to respond, I would suggest saying to her that "maybe she could give it some thought, and the two of you could talk about it again at some later time".... or words to that effect. Try, in other words, to keep the topic and the idea of communicating about it "open."
At the same time, I suggest improving your wife's sexual satisfaction by moving in the direction of becoming her cuntsucker. (Apparently there are many women who can't attain orgasm through conventional sexual intercourse, but they can attain orgasm reliably through cuninglingus.) For a good description of how to do this, see:
A Guide to Cunnilingus
The alternative you suggested — pretending you don't notice all the indications your wife is having an affair (in effect, doing nothing to change or improve your relationship) — is not a good idea, in my opinion. I say this because I think it could lead to her leaving you when she concludes, at some point, she cannot or is not willing to keep up the pretense any longer.
An important aspect of coming to terms with your wife having an affair, and perhaps even improving the quality of your marriage while she continues her affair(s), is to develop an ability to understand what she's doing from her point of view. A book that may help you do this is:
Heyn, Dalma. 1992. The Erotic Silence of the American Wife. Turtle Bay Books (Random House, New York), 304 pp.
You could probably obtain a copy through Amazon.com, or maybe find it in a library.
—Custer
musms14 said:I get it, conversation not confrontation.
OK, it sounds like you may be starting to get it now.
musms14 said:I told her years ago she could have sex with whoever she wanted without my permission so long as she told me all about it when she got home. We were talking women though, a lesbian experience. I don't know if she remembers that or not.
You can assume she remembers that. It isn't the sort of thing a married woman forgets. If your wife had said something like that to you, would you forget it...—? I don't think so.
If your wife had an affair with another woman "years ago," and appears to be having an affair now, I would guess it means one of three things.
1. She is lesbian, but she married you because of social convention and because she wants to have children at some point.
2. She is bisexual or hetero, but she and you have not been able to "connect" sexually very well, for some reason(s) or other. (Apparently hetero women, in a broad sense, have greater ability than hetero men to find sexual satisfaction with members of the same sex, at times when that seems necessary or desirable.)
3. She is hetero, but had a lesbian affair years ago for the reason, possibly, suggested in "2." She is having an affair now with another man whom she finds exciting and sexually satisfying, perhaps for the other reason suggested in "2." That is, you and she have not been able to connect sexually very well.
Rather than becoming preoccupied with trying to determine whether 1, 2, or 3 is actually the case, I would suggest asking her, at some appropriate time, if she recalls the time when you told her it would be OK, from your point of view, if she had sex with whomever she wanted. She'll remember, of course, but if she pretends not to — or if she says she does remember — I suggest reinforcing that message by telling her in a reasonable, conversational way that as far as you're concerned it's still OK. Don't remind her of any conditions, like "only if she tells you about it afterwards (or before and after)."
If your conversation seems to be going reasonably well, and it appears you can continue without your wife becoming anxious or upset, I suggest using this opening as a lead-in to a comment that "does she think it would be reasonable, if she has an affair and it continues beyond some particular length of time (1 month? 2 months?), for her to tell you about it? If she looks uncomfortable and doesn't seem to want to respond, I would suggest saying to her that "maybe she could give it some thought, and the two of you could talk about it again at some later time".... or words to that effect. Try, in other words, to keep the topic and the idea of communicating about it "open."
At the same time, I suggest improving your wife's sexual satisfaction by moving in the direction of becoming her cuntsucker. (Apparently there are many women who can't attain orgasm through conventional sexual intercourse, but they can attain orgasm reliably through cuninglingus.) For a good description of how to do this, see:
A Guide to Cunnilingus
The alternative you suggested — pretending you don't notice all the indications your wife is having an affair (in effect, doing nothing to change or improve your relationship) — is not a good idea, in my opinion. I say this because I think it could lead to her leaving you when she concludes, at some point, she cannot or is not willing to keep up the pretense any longer.
An important aspect of coming to terms with your wife having an affair, and perhaps even improving the quality of your marriage while she continues her affair(s), is to develop an ability to understand what she's doing from her point of view. A book that may help you do this is:
Heyn, Dalma. 1992. The Erotic Silence of the American Wife. Turtle Bay Books (Random House, New York), 304 pp.
You could probably obtain a copy through Amazon.com, or maybe find it in a library.
—Custer
more info
Well, when i said she could fool around, that was years ago, we were in our early twenties. I told her she could with women and she didn't have to tell me upfront, nothing spoils a spontaneous moment like having to make a call and then having me wanting all the details. She never actually did it though, that i know of and i know she isn't into women. She told me that all women at some point are currious but that is usually all it is and she was currious at the time but not anymore. The closest she came to that encounter was with these 4 women she worked with. They would get off work and drink alot, back when she would drink, and it always turned into something sexual although she said she only watched. She did admit to having her shirt and bra off and letting a woman suck her toes while another sucked her nipples. She said she didn't like it because she thinks feet are gross and couldn't get over that aspect to be turned on. She says this was the only time and it wasn't a big deal. I told her again after that though that she didn't need my permission, i just wanted the details. So, that being said, shouldn't be a far leap to make to bring this conversation up again and tell her the same goes except she can also be with men. I think if i reassure her that i'm ok and she can have some fun and that i will be fine. We started a talk like this several months ago and i told her she could date if she wanted but she said i was all she wanted and didn't want to give me the same freedom. She suspected i wanted to date and when i assured her that i didn't, she said the same. I'll bet that is how any conversation would go though, i'd reasure her and she would do the same, probably out of kindness. Perhaps once i put it out there, let her think for a while and bring it up again in a few weeks. I don't know. Still, if she has already taken a lover, and it looks like she very well may have, will she want me included in that? Just have to see i guess, but i can't let this fester. She just doesn't seem like the woman that would be into this though, she has always made that clear that she finds infidelity to be very wrong but all the signs point to me already being a cuckold. Perhaps a good talk is in order, not really looking forward to it, but i'm sure it must be done.
Well, when i said she could fool around, that was years ago, we were in our early twenties. I told her she could with women and she didn't have to tell me upfront, nothing spoils a spontaneous moment like having to make a call and then having me wanting all the details. She never actually did it though, that i know of and i know she isn't into women. She told me that all women at some point are currious but that is usually all it is and she was currious at the time but not anymore. The closest she came to that encounter was with these 4 women she worked with. They would get off work and drink alot, back when she would drink, and it always turned into something sexual although she said she only watched. She did admit to having her shirt and bra off and letting a woman suck her toes while another sucked her nipples. She said she didn't like it because she thinks feet are gross and couldn't get over that aspect to be turned on. She says this was the only time and it wasn't a big deal. I told her again after that though that she didn't need my permission, i just wanted the details. So, that being said, shouldn't be a far leap to make to bring this conversation up again and tell her the same goes except she can also be with men. I think if i reassure her that i'm ok and she can have some fun and that i will be fine. We started a talk like this several months ago and i told her she could date if she wanted but she said i was all she wanted and didn't want to give me the same freedom. She suspected i wanted to date and when i assured her that i didn't, she said the same. I'll bet that is how any conversation would go though, i'd reasure her and she would do the same, probably out of kindness. Perhaps once i put it out there, let her think for a while and bring it up again in a few weeks. I don't know. Still, if she has already taken a lover, and it looks like she very well may have, will she want me included in that? Just have to see i guess, but i can't let this fester. She just doesn't seem like the woman that would be into this though, she has always made that clear that she finds infidelity to be very wrong but all the signs point to me already being a cuckold. Perhaps a good talk is in order, not really looking forward to it, but i'm sure it must be done.
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