Update
Hey everyone. Thanks for the follow up comments. I have spoken to my girl and I have some updates.
So, I spoke with her this morning. I started out by asking her how things have been going with the other guy, because I wanted to try to gauge where things might be at there to figure out how she might react to me trying to pull the plug on whatever they've got going on. She didn't elaborate much though, just said "um, it's good" and kinda got a goofy grin on her face. I told her that it seemed like she really liked him, but then she laughed and said that she didn't really and that he's actually a pretty major asshole. I suddenly felt a pretty big wave of relief wash over me when she said that. At that moment, I started to feel better emotionally and psychologically than I have in months. I was pretty surprised by the revelation though, so I asked her if that was really true and she told me "yeah, he's actually a dick, babe".
With that news, I told her what a relief that was to hear because I thought maybe she was starting to really like him, but I've actually been regretting the whole cuckold thing and I'm really keen to just go back to being exclusive with each other (I was certain to reassure her that it wasn't her fault and I didn't have any hard feelings towards her for what had happened, but that I had just come to realise that cuckolding really isn't for me).
After I stopped speaking, she just sat there completely silent for about 10-20 seconds, just kinda staring off into space, then she said that she thought I said I liked it though. I told her that I thought I liked it too, but that after actually giving it a proper try I've discovered that I actually don't really and I'd like to just go back to being monogamous (again, I assured her that it's definitely not her fault, I'm not mad, I still love her, I just made a mistake and I don't want to do the cuck thing anymore).
Again, she went silent for a while, then she asked what it was I didn't like about it. I told her that it made me feel way more jealous than I expected it was going to, so much so that I couldn't even enjoy it at all (again, I reassured her that it wasn't her fault that I felt this way, it was totally on me, I blame myself, and that I just don't want to not be exclusive anymore).
Again, she went quite for a bit, then she said that she thought I said I'd be able to handle it though. I told her that I thought I'd be able to when I said that, but that actually experiencing it was far more intense than I ever thought it would be and I've now learned that it's just not something I can deal with (again, I assured her that it was totally my fault for underestimating the intensity of jealousy I'd feel and for overestimating my ability to handle it).
She didn't go silent at all this time and immediately said "so what you're saying is that you can't handle it even though you told me you could?"
This time I went silent for a few seconds to process what she said, I realised that she was basically correct, and so I told her that I suppose that is what I'm saying. She just replied with kind of an annoyed grunt. I stayed silent for a few seconds, then I told her that I understand that I messed up, then she kinda cut me off and started saying that since I was the one who said I wanted this, that it's not fair for me to expect her to change on a dime just because I've changed my mind now. I asked her what she means by that exactly, and she told me that she means I can't expect her to swap from monogamous to cucking me and back to monogamous so quick just because I've changed my mind all of a sudden.
I asked if that meant that she still wanted to see the other guy, and she said that she did. I said that I thought she said he was an asshole though, and she said that he is an asshole. I asked her why she still wanted to see him then, and she just turned and looked at me like I was an idiot. I started to feel extremely anxious again at this point, I could feel myself getting hot behind the ears and getting that horrible tunnel vision panic kinda sensation happening. All I could say was "but you said he's an asshole though", to which she replied "babe..." in a condescending tone while still looking at me like I'm an idiot.
I asked her if she understands just how upset, anxious, jealous, and depressed it makes me to think of her meeting up and hooking up with this guy, and she told me that she's sorry about that and she knows that I know that I'm the one who fucked up, but that mistakes have consequences and that I'll just have to learnt to deal with it.
At that point, I'm ashamed to admit, but I basically just started literally pleading with her to please not see him again. She let me go on for a few minutes, then she got off the bed, got down on her knees in front of me, took my face in her hands, looked me in the eyes and told me that she knew how upset I was, that she was sorry I'm so affected by this, but that it's just not fair for me to ask her to change on whim, and that I'm going to have to just deal with the consequences of my mistake for a while.
She left the room for nearly half an hour at that point while I just sat there on the floor. Eventually she came back in and, in what sounded like a genuinely concerned tone, asked me if I was going to break up with her. I told her that I didn't want that, I still wanted to be with her, I just wish this whole thing hadn't happened. She told me she was glad, cause that would be really unfair for me to dump her over this. I agreed that that would be pretty unfair. After that she paused for a moment, then she told me that she was glad I still wanted to be with her. I told her that of course I did, I love her. She told me she loves me too and we had a big long cuddle sitting on the floor together in silence.
So I guess she's still going to be seeing this dickhead for at least a while, so I suppose I'm just going to have to learn how to deal with it at least a little better than I have been so far.
What are everyone's thoughts about this? Why do you think she still wants to keep seeing him if he is such an asshole? Is it just to teach me a lesson maybe? Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry if I prattled on a bit too much. Just a whole lot I've been trying to deal with here.
