Thanks Squirming,
I went back and read yours & S-natalie’s post & kind of more appreciated what you both said, re-reading it today.
You’re both right…my wife cheating & my weird reaction to it (dressing up & dropping to my knees) are two separate things…at least, when it
comes to any ultimate conversation I have with my wife.
I realize at some point things with my wife are going to likely come to a head. Like if she were to give me confirmation she’s cheated since, or express interest to me of another guy. But I still can’t say for sure my wife’s one incident wasn’t a one-time fluke.
But I have had suspicions and despite my wife always being around, my insecurity has only grown through this whole shutdown period. Mostly, because she’s on Zoom a lot with her friends back home (we moved to NY for my job & all her BFFs are back there).
I have to be courteous and say hello sometimes on her zooms, and last month, one of the girls brought up the wedding (the one where my wife cheated) and a few of her friends smiled/smirked and then one quickly changed the subject. I felt awkward as hell, knowing they were all probably trying to read my expression.
Afterwards, I imagined her friends laughing at me, telling my wife how wrapped around her finger she’s got me, and what a cuckold in the making I could be for. It’s also to what I primarily thought about masturbating for several days following.
I kind of feel like when this is over & people can do things/go to places again, I’ll have a much better sense of where her head is at. Because sometimes I do think I might be jumping to conclusions and that she really meant it when she referred to as a freak one-time thing herself.
However, if she were to tell me she still wanted to stay together, but also see other guys, I’m fairly certain I would find myself going along with it. But I’d still have a tough time admitting that it’s a weird turn-on for me as well…like there’s no going back from that…& I’d worry about the reality, and her view of me, by being so openly cuckolded.
I think that’s where meeting up with another man suddenly seemed like a weird new outlet/avenue to explore….and suddenly became this wildly compulsive thing I figured I had to at least experience once. And I also thought, “and it’s not like my wife didn’t sneak off & get sexually out there herself.”
After I gave him my first BJ, there were a lot of times where I was thinking, “OK, never again, I got that out of my system, now back to normal me.”
But just like my wife’s cheating, soon I was jerking off remembering the way I humbled myself before the guy.
And as soon as he’s told me he was coming back to town, I knew I would be getting on my knees again and showing him more of my wife.
Dressing up like a girl for him came out of left field, but started to become more compelling the more I thought about it.
When my wife was out, a few times beforehand, I’d get fully dressed up, imaging him seeing me like that, in such a surrendering of my manhood way, and hoping he’d find me kind of passable, like a semi-sexy girl. Like I knew it was my wife’s photos and my sucking that were getting him hard, but I really was glad when he said, “I fucking love it, you make a great fucking girl.”
Anyway, with things still fairly shut-down & no plans for the guy returning, it’s not been something I’ve been thinking of doing again anytime soon.
It’s been a while now since we met, so there’s time where I’m hardly thinking about it and times where it mentally comes roaring back, where I’m jerking off remembering.
I think my wife’s zoom calls (not always knowing who she’s talking to, and sometimes kind of late or taking precedent) + having to see girls who know way more than me about my wife’s slutty weekend…that has me back in a period of thinking about it again.
Like right now, I feel in this purgatory stage (kind of like regular life) where we’re both holed up at home, and everything’s kind of wait and see.
If the guy were to suddenly email me and say he’d be in town next weekend, I’m pretty sure I’d be looking at dresses online again today.
But I also do see these as fluke episodes, something that I will move on from, and is totally wrapped up in my relationship with my wife.
So sorry to have rambled so long, or to have hi-jacked the post…just had me thinking and wanting to answer back from another post.