The next day, she comes over to my house and brings the box. Then, she asks me to go for a ride so we can talk. We ride for 2 or 3 hours as I try to rationalize what has happened. She breaks down crying when we first get a private moment to talk, and shows me the long scrapes of scratches covering her whole back from where he had held her tight with his nails while fucking her. She keeps saying shes sorry and she wants me and she loves me, but then when I suggest leaving him and taking me back she says absolutely not. She loves him as well, she would say through tears. She loves us both, and he was showing her that he cared more, because he wanted her to be able to have both of us if she wanted. We end up at her house. While sitting on her bed, where I have fucked her hundreds of times, I ask about what happened, and about whether the size of his penis made a difference. After saying she doesn't want to answer because I wont like what I hear, she says it definitely did, and while its not the only factor, it was a huge difference in fantastic sex. I find that while she is talking I keep having that horrible sinking feeling in my gut that has been an on-and-off resident for the past year and a half, but am also very very erect and hard. I then propositioned her, only to be turned down because she was now 'his girl'. We then fight as she drives me home.
At that point, and counseling with a friend, I recognized how much of a sham my relationship had become, how whipped I had been, how weak I had shown myself to be. I decided to avoid speaking with P again. Over the next month I began to receive calls every 3-5 minutes, with constant texts. She was horribly sorry, she wanted me back, she wanted everything to be ok. I was in a point where I couldnt sleep more than 1 hour without waking up in tears, and yet despite this, I did not respond. I fly back to school, and for the following month, I begin to receive less messages and voicemails, emails, facebook messages, skype messages, and texts, but she still contacts me 5-10 times a day easy. Over the next 2 to 3 months it eases off to 7 or so times a week, and then eventually, only on Wednesday night when she new I was working as a student lab monitor, able to respond, and not in class. I still continued to break down over that period.
During this time I am an emotional wreck. I am wracked with pain and anguish, guilt from leaving her, righteous fury over her actions, insecurity and a feeling of being puny because I was unable to satisfy her. I find that when I wake up, I am often dreaming of her, and frequently have twisted sexual dreams about her, him, and I. I began to only be able to cum after thinking of her and him, or me servicing him, or him, her, and I, with him being the commanding and dominant person in the encounter. Pornography and other fantasy held zero appeal to me at this point in time. I began to feel sick and self-disgusted that the only thing that would get me off was the idea of sucking him off to get him hard, watching him fuck her, then cumming in her after cleaning him up and feeling all of his cum inside her.
After about 9 months, she now only contact me on my birthday, Christmas, and the day we were supposed to get married. We talked a few times thereafter, had some good laughs at first, but I found myself getting too furious in text messages and chats and saying sadistic sarcastic and cruel things that I have just ended our conversations all together.
Since this I had a relationship that began about 4 months after that one ended. It was with a very liberal minded girl who I quickly became attached to, but she did not to me. We'll call her Jd. Jd was 5'7, very bright and well read, long curly auburn hair, freckles, coke-bottle glasses, skinny, a-cups. She also grew out her leg hair and did not shave legs at all, which I found wonderful. The relationship lasted 6 months, and I now recognize it as a HUGE emotional rebound. I was her first, but we quickly explored all avenues of sex that I previously mentioned such as bondage, strap ons, I began crossdressing, etc. However, no matter how hard I tried, I could no longer keep up my stamina like I used to. Instead of 4-5 hours of sex, I could only go for 30 minutes to an hour, and would come very quickly and go limp. We found that I was unable to satisfy her. Through our discussions we also found that the only time she orgasms during masturbation was when she imagined multiple persons touching and feeling her and using her. I talked through my last relationship with her, and begin to clear my system, but also begin to talk about my sexual issues and the problem I had with only being aroused previously by the thought of my ex with the guy she was involved with, and me being their toy. We began to work through that concept, and while she and I never brought anyone else into the bedroom, were convinced I just needed some psychological resolution and that over time I would feel less desire to be treated that way. My relationship with Jd was great, but ended right as she was about to graduate, and I was still a Junior, and we just simply were in emotionally different places.
Finally, I got involved with the current and future love of my life, who we will call Jc. Jc is younger than me but taller than me at 5'10', and a bit of a full figured girl. She has curves and hips and a gorgeous ass, and c cups, with blonde hair. Jc is beyond your typical girl in that she knows exactly what she wants when she wants it, and is able to plan effectively to get there. She always has a positive attitude. An example: I am her first real serious relationship aside from a guy in high school she went with for a few months. He fondled her breasts and was eager for more, but she knew she didnt want that with him. However, with me, after three months she decided she wanted at least a long term relationship and we began regular sexual activity.
With Jc, I have been slowly working towards a more full sexual awareness. She was relatively vanilla but is now moving at a decent pace. We have gone through most of the list of sexual activities produced before, and some have hit off very well. However, I still find that the number one desire I have had sexually has been the concept of watching her get fucked by another man, and to be submissive and insignificant comparatively, and to be involved as a sex toy in their encounter. While I do have interest in sleeping with other people, that is highly auxillary to her sleeping with others, and is something she is unsure she could accept. I could imagine nothing at this point that would excite me more that watching another guy satisfy her.
This temptation has been further frustrated by the fact that, despite what we try, she has not to date orgasmed. While this seems somewhat typical for some women, I am convinced that her experiencing more may help. I also am convinced, as my ex so eloquently put it, size makes a HUGE difference. I dont consider 5.5 inches small, but I do think it may not be what she needs to be satisfied. I have shared this with her, and she is intrigued by the idea. Recently, while on vacation for a friends 21st in a touristy town, she began hitting on other guys in bars because she know I am ok with the concept and excited about her being involved with others, and at one point ended up next to a black guy our age who put his hand on her leg and started moving up. She got his number, and if it hadnt been for her friends dragging her off, may have gotten more.
We've now been together 2+ years and will be moving in together after she graduates, at which point I plan on proposing to her. In all of its irony, I will be using the same stone I bought for P so many years back, as it is simply a beautiful rock. This summer, I will be staying in town with her(I have currently accepted a job requiring a 2-year commitment that is, sigh, again over 2k miles away), and we have said we will be trying at least once to go to a bar/club and see how comfortable she is going as far as possible with picking up another guy. We have pretty much agreed that not much more will happen at any point if one of us is uncomfortable, nor will much more happen on a solo perspective until we are living under the same roof.
So that is my story on how I developed and am developing into a cuck, through pain and trial. I cant help but be amazingly excited and encouraged and incredibly hard in my pants, but also somewhat afraid I will lose her as we develop more and more into the lifestyle of cuckolding/swinging. We have already established rules regarding 1) only random people 2) no continued contact, etc. to ensure stability in the relationship should anything happen, and I have complete faith in her. However, I cant help but read some of the more advanced posts on the forums where I read about lovers moving in and marriages ending, and I cant help but wonder if I am playing with a very enticing fire to solve some defect in my sexual desires. I am eagerly and anxiously excited, but reassured by her during pillow talk every day.
