Well - our discussion from Saturday continued well into yesterday including a few times when things got a little heated.
I had already considered a number of the things that Peak and others posted here. It was one of the biggest things we talked about actually - was what she wanted to do with him and what she wanted from him. It was my way of essentially saying what Will and Peak both said. And while both of you said one thing - my head was actually a bit concerned that she seemed to be saying to me now she'd changed her mind, or maybe worse, would settle for this new role with him.
We went all over the place with the discussion. She wanted to hear me tell her again that I wanted her to have a lover and that I wanted her to do more with him - including denying me as we'd discussed. I told her yes to all of that and even told her that I was surprised that she kept on wanting me to repeat it. She said she will probably always want to hear me say it just to reassure her.
She had tears in her eyes at some points as we talked. I asked her how she was suddenly going to go from wanting this passionate affair with him to simply being his friend-with-benefits. I told her how it'd taken a lot for me to accept her desire to even fall in love with Robert and now she was saying that it was off-the-table or that it wasn't going to happen? And that's when I started to ask her what she wanted. I did ask whether she was going to try to encourage him or try to make him fall for her. I asked her how she was going to feel if it wasn't reciprocated.
I can't put down all of what we talked about or I'll be here for an hour trying to remember it all. We talked about all sorts of stuff, again including some pretty explicit and graphic stuff. At one point she wanted to hear me tell her that I liked her getting fucked by Robert - and in return I wanted to hear much the same - and she had not qualms about telling me that she did!
But in the end - what she pretty much came out and realized herself is that she didn't necessarily want to fall-in-love with Robert but - and this took a while for us to get to (including most of a bottle of wine) - but she said that she thought that was what she needed to do in order to have the sex she wants to satisfy both herself and me. I know it sounds crazy but in hearing her talk, it became apparent that maybe she needs to find an online forum like this for herself to understand what she's thinking. She never really talked to me about all of this and instead, in her head, she thought that was what she wanted.
I honestly sat there kind of dumbfounded - and after a moment I told her so. She explained to me that was the only way she thought or saw that she could have the kind of sexual experience she was looking for (and had now found) and that was the only way to escalate it to give me more of what I wanted in return. I actually got even mad at her at one point for not coming to me and trying to talk to me about it - but she pointed out that she did do that and that we did talk about it, at least in her eyes. And at another point I accepted a bit of responsibility for not trying to dissuade her from the whole emotional involvement thing.
All of this would have had a different flavor had it been a few weeks earlier - before she'd been with Robert. She admitted that she really enjoys sex with him and how different it is than she's had with other guys including me - yes primarily from him being bigger - but also from how she feels with him in general. I asked her if she still felt she wanted to fall in love with him. She was quiet for a moment and then said what she'd said the other day - and she held my hand and said again how it wasn't something that I should be scared of or anything like that - that it was mainly for herself - but that again she said that if it didn't happen with Robert, then yes, she would still want it to happen with someone eventually. She said she didn't want it to be something that took away from her and I, but, as she tried to explain it, as something that would help her and in turn, even help us.
She then turned things around and she came out and asked me without any misunderstanding - what I wanted to have from her sexually. She admitted that she wanted to have an intense sexual relationship - with Robert if it worked out now. And she said something that I wasn't totally ready for - that she thinks shes wanted this ever since she was with Don - and that he was the last guy (other than me) who really pushed her sexually.
It was my turn to be quiet and think about what she'd said. I've been re-reading a lot of what happened back with Don and I can see that he really did push her and get her to open up and accept her desires more. I guess I never saw that Frank just didn't do it for her in this way. She didn't say it, but I'm even thinking that maybe she went with Frank more for me than for herself? She knew I felt comfortable with him and - well, this is all just me right now as I'd never ask her that.
So - when she asked again about what I wanted. It was my turn to open up and be honest. I told her that I feared her falling in love with someone else but at the same time I did want to feel her sexual desire to be exclusive with another guy - that what I'd told her that I'd want to feel and experience was what I did want - but I added that I wanted it to be something that she wanted to do too and not necessarily because it was what 'he' wanted (as was the case with Don where she seemed reluctant to embrace it). She giggled back at me and said that she still didn't fully understand it all but that if things went, now, as they seem they might with Robert, she giggled that it would be something she would be more comfortable doing.
After all of this - I sort of started to understand her. She said she didn't see how she could feel strongly enough or to feel enough in general with a lover to have the kind of sex she wants (it is soooo hot to hear her say that to me) without falling in love with him. But she now thinks that maybe Robert might be more the combination of guys she's wanted. In my head - the desire she felt from Don - someone who truly wants to have sex with her and wants her to want him - something Frank didn't do. The comfort-level she had with Frank - being able to be herself and being accepted for what she is and wants. And maybe the emotional spark she felt with Brad way back when. Maybe Robert is someone who can fulfill those roles? She pretty much said all of that without those specific words.
I asked her if she - and I said it just like this - I asked her "if she wanted to be his fuck-toy for the summer? ... To get him fully over his marriage?". She said she wasn't sure but that like Robert and I have both said to her - that she may just "let it happen" and see what does happen - she even said that maybe it wouldn't be so bad even if the emotions happened but they were just one-sided. She turned to me and said "is that what you'd like? Are you going to be okay with that, knowing that?". I was thinking about how to answer her when she added "I'll still tell you no ...." and after a pause she looked at me and said "you'll know it's because I want to".
We talked only briefly about the future - she said that Robert has pretty much said that he wants to have sex with her more often and more frequently. I asked her how she felt and more importantly, what she wanted. Going back to explicit and graphic - she spared no details when she said she loved having sex with him and yes, if I was okay with it all, that she wanted to let herself go with him and see what happens. I asked her what that meant and she said she wasn't sure yet - but she then said that she had "fond memories" of when she'd seen Don at lunch-time and how that had made her feel. I was about to respond when she added that it had also made her feel really special the few times things had really gone well with Frank when she'd "just been with him" and she again asked me what others here have also asked - "are you really going to be okay when I want to just have sex with him?". I was going to answer her when she added "of course I'll make sure you're happy in other ways!" and she licked her lips and made this sucking sound with her mouth.
I don't know what the plans are for this week - perhaps I'll know more later - but I know that we have plans for Friday night so that may change things for them. I suspect that she'll probably meet him today or tomorrow at work and maybe they'll talk a bit over lunch or with a walk around outside in the nice weather.
What I can say is that after all of that was said and done yesterday, that last night there was this renewed feeling of calm between us. i guess all of the uncertainty of the past few days/weeks was hanging over us a bit. As we lay there last night watching something on TV it seemed we both just rolled towards each other and felt the same - that we needed to feel each other. As we started to fuck she looked up at me and said "you know, even though I may see a lot of him - I will still always need this with you" and as she said that, she wrapped her legs up around my back and we rocked back and forth together fucking deeply (well as deeply as I can!). I felt her cum from deep inside her as we rocked back and forth and she told me she loved me as she encouraged me to "fuck me harder" and "cum in me".
This morning that same lightness was in her step as she bounced and pranced around the bedroom after her shower. I do love her so.