I feel like a cuckold - don't know if I like it or not - real story

[tommycuck]

I’m in kind of a odd situation here and not really knowing how to handle it. Basicly Im in a situation where im living with the girl who used to be my fiancée and she is big time slut, sorry no other way to say it. And the fact that she is the way she is is basicly the reason Im not together with her anymore but now Im pretty much questioning the choice I made to dump her.

I wasn’t even familiar with the term of cuckold until recently but I guess when a guy is with a girl and he lets her cheat on him or in my case pretty much either has no choice but to accept it or go his own way hes a cuckold. And the more I think about it the more I realize that Im really ok with that some ways, but on the other hand in some ways Im not so it’s kind of confusing.

Well I’ve known her a long time and am definitely in love with her always have been, I am not going to say her real name but her nick name is Sunny that is what everybody calls her. She just recently turned 28 and she is with no question a drop dead gorgeous hottie. And yeah there is that part about her being a major slut too, but I guess in reality I already knew that about her so I probably should have just accepted it from the get go but that isn’t that easy.

Like I said Ive known Sunny a long time, all the way back in highschool, and she was just as promiscuous back then. You know the girl that pretty much everybody had screwed around with, that other girls would not let their boyfriends any where near, yeah she was “that” girl. She would always hang around at different guys house’s that I knew and she would just go into a bedroom or into the bathroom like it was nothing and guys would just line up at the door to have her suck them off or bang her or whatever, everybody except for me that is because back then I was dating her only female friend, who I later found out was just as much of a slut as she was only a lot better at covering it up.

And I bring that up because my relationship with her friend was pretty much the first real relationship I had that lasted almost 5 years until I was 22 and when everything came to light about how many guys she was screwing other than me, including a few of my so-called friends, it really messed me up and gave me a negative view of women and some major trust issues because I had been SO sure that she was faithful and to find out that not only was she cheating but cheating all the time it was a heavy blow. Made me realize that when it comes to a woman a man has no friends. So after that I avoided relationships like the plague and pretty much turned into your stereotypical womanizing creep who was only after one thing, sex, and even though I got lonely a lot that situation worked for me for a long time. Because after all if you don’t put your heart out there you don’t put it at risk. Now back to Sunny.

So after I broke up with her friend I didn’t see Sunny very often anymore, but a few of my friends were still screwing her when they felt like it so I’d see her every now and then. And a few times Sunny had actually offered to let me fuck her but I always declined. Its weird because like I said at that stage of my life I was pretty much a heartless prick in the female department so normally I would have boned a girl like her and used her like everybody else did. And it wasn’t for lack of wanting to because she has always been hot, but I don’t know I kind of felt sorry for her.

I felt sorry for her because guys didn’t just fuck her and treat her like a cheap *****, they used her for everything they could, borrow money that they would never pay back, borrow her car and not bring it back for days or weeks, they’d steal shit from her apartment and she’d know it and still have sex with them! This one guy actually convinced her to strip at this shitty dive so she could give him money to pay off his car so he could trade it in on another one! I used to think she was just plain stupid or gullible but later I realized that she wasn’t dumb, she just didn’t care, and in some fucked up way she liked to be used!

I mean this isn’t a typical case of low self esteem, Sunny is pretty damn high on herself, in fact I’d go as far as to say out and out stuck up in a lot of ways. One thing for sure is that she knows she is hot and likes to make sure everyone else knows it, always demanding attention, and knowing full well she could have just about any man she wanted. And when you sit and talk to her she isn’t an air-head either, she is very articulate and has a lot of clever wit. I don’t understand it but she obviously has some kind of thing for abuse.

Well I guess I must be just like her in that way of liking abuse, subconsciously maybe, because at some point I found myself pretty much consumed with her, even knowing exactly what kind of girl she was. And when I think back, this feeling for her started back in highschool. I mean other guys treated her like little more than a piece of ass and here I was always trying to impress her, and my girlfriend at the time (her friend) always was quick to point it out, but I told her she was crazy because back then I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Something inside me always said that if Sunny just found the right guy who treated her right, she would change her ways. And as a co-worker friend of mine who’s familiar with my situation pointed out - isn’t that what every woman thinks about the bad-boy she’s trying to tame? Well call me a bitch then because I was thinking the same thing and really believing it.

And why I even wanted to change her in first place, or thought she was worth the effort, I still do not know. I can not for the life of me figure out where such a crazy, idiotic idea popped into my head. Maybe I was just awe struck by her looks, under some kind of spell, or maybe I fell for her seductive charm, I just do not know. There is a term that is popular with my generation – “Captain-save-a-hoe” – and it is not a term of endearment, it basically means you’re a sucker who tries to turn “hoes” into housewives and get screwed over in the process, and ashamed to say that is exactly what I turned out to be in this instance.

So I returned to my home town after college and got a good paying job and was enjoying my young bachelor life to the fullest until I saw her again. A couple months after I returned I was going out to the bar with some friends and stopped by another friends house to pick him up and he had Sunny with him who I hadn’t seen in years and she was looking as good as ever and I think my infatuation with her really kicked into over drive that night. She had on this shorter than short skirt and low cut top that damn near made her look like a ****** and I could not take my eyes off of her. Ironic that her sluttiness has been such a problem for me when in part its what attracted me to her in the first place I guess.

 

[tommycuck]

Well we were supposed to drop her off but my buddy was complaining about how he had to get to the bar to meet some girl there so we ended up dragging Sunny with us. So on the ride there here I am trying to make small talk with her asking how shes doing and everything while my friends are just trying to get her to flash her tits and they are looking at me like shut the fuck up man because our small talk is distracting her from doing what they want her to do. So not wanting to seem like I was cock blocking, which basicly I was, I stopped talking and they got their wish. So I’m suffering in silence while driving downtown to this bar staring back at her in the rear view mirror while her tits are hanging out and my buddies are feeling her up and eventually get her to suck them off in my back seat. And seeing that really bothered me, I mean I was really nothing more than a casual acquaintance of hers at the time, a friend of a friend so to speak, and I practically wanted to cry at the site of her sucking them off, like a little kid who had his favorite toy stolen or something. So I can say I had it pretty bad for her, even back then, and it only got worse.

As soon as we got to the bar my friends immediately distanced themselves from her, not wanting to be seen with this girl looking like a ***** who might get in the way of them finding what they thought was a more worthy girl to take home with them so I sort of stuck around her and started back up our conversation glad to not have them interfering anymore. And it was kind of awkward because I was trying way too hard to impress her and was sort of clamming up in awkward moments of silence but luckily she was talkative enough to keep a decent conversation going. And I found out we had a lot in common, same music, same movies, we both wanted to one day own a house on the ocean somewhere in southern California, we even had the same dream car, a 69’ Mustang Shelby! We were really hitting it off or so I thought and she was very flirtatious the whole time and I gave her my number and told her to call me some time to hang out.

And while Im sitting here at the bar quietly falling in love with this well known slut Im trying not to notice every single guy in the bar staring at her. The whole time she’s talking she’s moving her hips to the music and her tiny little skirt is riding further and further up her hips to the point where you can pretty much see the crotch of her panties and needless to say the hungry wolves were looking at her like a take out menu. So this guy, asshole I should say, just cuts right in between us and drags her off to the dance floor without a word. And not one bit of protest from her, just like that, I think we are making a connection and in an instant her mind is on some other guy groping her ass on the dance floor. That right there should have been enough of a warning but no, captain-save-a-hoe was love struck. So I sat there, alone, all night watching her dance with this guy and that guy, downing shots and flirting with anyone who paid her any attention, until at some point I completely lost track of her and I never saw her again that night but I know damn well what happened, she went home with some random guy or guys, who knows. And I could not get her off my mind, not a single day passed since that I hadn’t thought about her.

Well she never did call after I gave her my number, and I was like a highschool girl waiting by the phone all the time for weeks after that but never heard from her. And I saw little of her over the next two or three years, maybe once every couple of months or so and when I did it was at one of my friends house’s after they’d finished fucking her and was trying to get rid of her. And it was almost painful to hear them recount the various ways that they’d fucked her. You don’t exactly want to hear stories of the girl your in love with taking it up the ass by all of your friends in succession. Well maybe on a site like this you do but I was not so open minded back then. But in those brief moments when I saw her and spoke to her every feeling I had for her was rekindled and I felt the same kind of heartbreak every time I had to watch her go.

One thing that kept my hopes up for her was that the stories I heard about her seemed so far fetched I kept telling myself that they were lying, or making it up to sound like the big man. Im hearing stories of gangbangs, and how she likes to be choked and slapped and spit on and they even insisted that she often begged them to piss on her after they had sex. It was hard to for my brain to register that any living person could seriously enjoy that kind of treatment, not that I was completely naïve but in my experiences with women they tended to like a hell of a lot more sensuality then that, so I chalked a lot of the stories up to bullshit even though deep down I knew that they had no incentive to lie and Sunny, well, Sunny was Sunny.

It was about 4 years ago that things started to get serious with us. One night out of the blue I get a call from Sunny at 4am in the morning. I was surprised that she even had my number still after all it was like 3 years since the night I had given it to her. So I wake up to answer and there she is sounding hysterical and asking me to come pick her up from some ghetto motel, and she kept insisting that she would blow me if I came to get her and I was trying to tell her that wasn’t necessary and but she was insisting that she would or I could fuck her this way or that way or whatever all the while shes sobbing and I was like ok Im coming to get you. So on the way Im thinking damn, how desperate must this girl be if she thinks the only way she can get a ride from someone is to fuck them? It was kind of sad really and I was determined to NOT take her up on the offer to screw her, to just show her that there was a man in the world that could do something for her just out of pure kindness and not want anything from her because I guessed that she had never met anyone like that. Noble thought but it didn’t hold.

So I get there, and she is still hysterical with this huge swollen black eye and I am trying to pretend to be brave for her even though im scared shitless to be in this part of town in the first place so I got her out of the motel as fast as I could and into the truck and got the hell out of there.

Well as it turns out, Sunny was making a living turning tricks. I should not have been surprised but I was. One of her johns had robbed her, and then her pimp or boyfriend, who from what I gathered was a pimp but she insisted that he wasn’t, subsequently beat her up for letting the john get away with the money. She said she had called everyone she knew and no one else would help her so she said she called me because I was the nicest person she knew. That may be BS but it wasn’t hard to believe having seen for many years how other people treated her.

 

[tommycuck]

I started giving her this lecture about how she didn’t need to be doing this and how beautiful she was and what a great person she was and most of it was BS because I didn’t really know her that well but it felt strangely sincere while I was saying it. I guess I was speaking on the image I had of her in my mind but not really the person she was just the person I wished she was. But it probably went right in one ear and out the other. Her initial response was well Ive always been kind of a slut anyway so I might as well make some money, but I thought I was getting through to her for a while because she began to smile for a while but ultimately she cut off my little speech by putting her hand on my crotch and asking me where I wanted to go to fuck her. And I did try to make it clear that she had no obligation to fuck me or do anything else with me but Sunny was extremely persistent. The whole time Im trying to convince her of my “nice-guy” status she is unzipping my pants and then stroking my cock while Im driving. And even with my dick in her hand I am still telling her that it’s ok she doesn’t have to, albeit my resolve just got weaker and weaker with every stroke, and then off came the shoulder straps of her little sun dress and Im staring at her perfect tits more than Im watching road and she grabs my right hand and puts it on her tits while shes stroking me and well that was about it, I went from being determined not to fuck her to being determined not to blow my chance to fuck her.

She didn’t want to go to her apartment because she was worried that the guy who had beat her up, pimp boyfriend or whatever, would be there, and said we could just pull over somewhere, but I decided to take her back to my house because I wanted to make our first experience “special”. So we walk in my house and she excuses herself to the bathroom and I go to my room and start lighting candles and incense and turning on soft music acting as if this is about to be some sort of deeply emotional and spiritual experience for the both of us but it was anything but. In fact, this night can either be described as the best or the worst night of my life depending on what spin I put on it. Because in one single act of lust Sunny managed to completely ruin me for every single woman that would ever sincerely want to be with a guy like me.

I come back down to get her and take her to my room, and Sunny is already naked, sitting back on my sofa, feet on my coffee table, legs spread wide, rubbing her pussy and staring at me with the most lustful look I have ever in my life seen from a woman. Even with a black eye she was as hot as any woman that had ever offered me the privilege and I was awestruck, I cant even imagine the dumb look of amazement that must have been on my face.

And then came the most priceless statement at I had ever heard. “I’ve been a bad girl come punish me!” Punish you? The naked woman with a black eye who had just been robbed and beaten was asking to be punished, as if that wasn’t already a lifetime’s worth of punishment for most people. Wow. I think I just stood there clueless for quite a while until she impatiently noted that she was still waiting. And not knowing how to approach a situation like this I just set out to do what I usually did and tried to make love to her, softly, and sensuously. I kneeled in front of her and began kissing and massaging her feet as I was accustomed to a lot of foreplay before sex, and staring up at her all I got was a weird look like what the hell are you doing you strange man? So I thought maybe she didn’t like her feet touched so I moved in to kiss her, and Sunny didn’t so much as close her eyes. It felt like a heaven to me to feel her soft lips against mine, but she seemed to think it was a completely unnecessary formality.

She sort of pushed me back and flung her self around and stuck her ass up in the air and told me to spank her. I was baffled. I had not so much as spanked a misbehaved child in my life this was just weird to me and I gave her ass this whimpy little swat that made her look back at me and scowl. She kept saying harder, harder, and I did what she wanted, I smacked her ass until it started turning red and still it was harder, harder, and if not for all of her whimpering and moaning in some pain-induced state of pleasure that was completely foreign to me I would have been worried that I was hurting her! But undeniably I felt a strange sense of excitement from this weird sort of power that she had given me though I think at first I found it more scary than anything.

And when she had enough of that she whipped back around told me she wanted me to “fuck her mouth.” And I thought ok, at least a blow job was something I understood but with Sunny it is something different entirely. I stood there waiting for her to start sucking me because I was used to blow jobs consisting of me laying back and enjoying the woman worked her magic. But Sunny just sat there staring at it like she was waiting for me to do something until finally she basicly thrust herself at my dick and engorged her mouth on it. And she sucked the hell out of my dick for about 30 seconds with the kind of vigor and enthusiasm I did not think existed for such a thing, with previous women a blowjob was kind of a if it’s my lucky day sort of thing and far less intense! And then she put my hand on the back of her head and told me to grab her hair and said again “Fuck my mouth!” in sort of a vicious demanding way. So I got the picture and started pushing my cock in and out of her mouth while I held her head steady with a firm grip on her hair and she starts mumbling “faster. Don’t be gentle” so I did, and I just got faster and faster to the point where I could hear her gagging and choking on it and I thought I was hurting her so I stopped to ask her if she was ok and she kind of snarled and said “Don’t fucking stop!” in this very demanding tone and so I just kept doing it. And it was unbelievably intense, and kept getting even more intense as it went on.

She had me fuck her in ways I hadn’t conceived of before. I fucked her harder than I ever had fucked anyone, another woman would have said I was hurting her. I had tried to experiment with anal once and even as careful as I had been the woman could not take it and we gave up. When Sunny told me to fuck her ass she pushed herself back on my cock and buried me in her to the hilt and begged for a merciless anal pounding. She wanted me to tell her she was a slut and a *****, bitch, cunt, and anything else I could think of, and she would proclaim these things like she was proud of it. She wanted to be choked, slapped, spit on, manipulated, used, it was mind blowing to almost a religious extent. Every request practically made me cringe but made me twice as horny as before. It was all new to me like I was some prude virgin and it was exhilarating.

All of that concern I had for her well being had gone right out the window. She wanted and demanded to be treated like a cheap a ***** and I did exactly that and not only did I do it but I liked it. I fucked with her the same indifference and recklessness that I imagine everyone before me had. This is the woman who I have been in love with for so long and I fucked her like I was angry, like I hated her, like she was nothing, and I loved every second of it. Maybe deep down I WAS angry at her for not being what I expected and so I punished her the way she desired to be punished, and the pleasure it gave me was insurmountable.

Yeah I had had what I called “rough sex” before but to me that had meant giving some hard and fast thrusts into womans pussy in the moments before I had an orgasm, not nearly yanking a womans hair out of her head while choked and spit on her and called her every derogatory name that had been invented! By nights end my definition of sex as a whole had complexly changed.

 

[tommycuck]

And as I had been warned by my friends, after I had spent the second of my two loads in her mouth as she had insisted came the sickest thing yet. She told me she wanted me to piss on her. She asked for it very casually the way someone might ask for a back rub. And I looked at her like she was from another planet, I mean what did she expect me to just piss all over my living room like a stray dog? I guess my confused look prompted her to hop up and lead me by the hand into the bathroom where she just methodically positioned herself in my tub and looked up at me like she was waiting for me to give her a cookie or something for a job well done. I was sort of in a trance at that point still trying to register everything that had just happened in addition to this so while I was standing there it just began to flow, all over her and she closed her eyes and took it like she was being bathed in holy water or something. It was disgusting, I literally gagged and threw up in my mouth. It was like a train wreck, repulsive but I could not look away. I didn’t even see her as a human she was an alien from another planet to me at the point. Who does this sort of shit? And what kind of pervs were my friends to be pissing on this girl? (I later found out that none of my friends had actually granted this weird request from her I was the only one who mindlessly went through with it, though it was obviously not her first experience being used as a toilet).

I could hardly believe I was doing this but then again it was probably what I expected from her in spite of my denial. Every story I had ever heard about her was pretty much confirmed in that moment, not that I didn’t believe them, I had stayed in denial about her by choice because I had let myself catch feelings for her even though I knew the truth all along. It was just that I guess I needed to experience it myself to fully comprehend the reality of it. I had never even imagined doing anything like this to a woman so I could not have possibly imagined how much it would turn me on (the pissing part being the exception). Sunny completely shattered the former reality of my sexual being.

Sunny took a very short shower afterwards, and if someone had pissed all over me I would have been scrubbing myself for the better part of the next week but she was out in less than five minutes. Well she came out smelling zestfully clean so I couldn’t complain. I took a much a longer shower being a little disgusted with myself almost like I had been on the receiving end of the urine, and tried to regroup my thoughts and get my head straight. The way I had just defiled her, even without the nasty pee incident was in conflict with every moral standard I had with regards to women and a contradiction to how I felt about her. But I wasn’t even feeling the same about her, I felt myself looking down on her the way everyone else did and felt ashamed for that. Yes I did say I was sort of a heartless prick towards women after the bad ending to my only relationship up to that point, but that was in an emotional sense not a physical one.

Well I came out of the shower and there she was sprawled out naked on the bed with my lap top and the first thing she says to me Ill never forget, “What’s with all these candles were you in the middle of a séance? What were you planning on cutting the head off a chicken and dancing around a pendulum?” I guess you had to be there but it was probably the funniest I thing I had ever heard at the time and we spent a good five minutes laughing hysterically. And just like that it all came back to me, the way I felt about her, being able to make me laugh with a witty remark like that, it was like she suddenly became human again and not just a trashy slut who’d just done all these unspeakable things with me. And once I again I was overwhelmed with adoration.

I went over to her and gave her passionate kiss and this time she actually kissed me back like it meant something. Well I glance over at the lap top and couldn’t believe it. She was on craigslist posting an erotic services ad for herself only hours after I’d gotten her out of that sleezy motel! She said she had to come up with 350 for this asshole who’d dotted her eye before she could go home, so I just gave her the money she needed and told her to stay with me for as long as she wanted. I started in with another lecture about her occupational choice but I realized it wasn’t getting through so I just stopped myself.

We started making out again and I went down on her this time trying to make love to her the way I know how, and for a short time she seemed like she was getting into it, being touched and kissed gently, but all of the sudden like a switch clicked on in her brain she turned the tables again and flipped over on her stomach and told me to fuck her anally again, only the way she put it was a hell of a lot more vulgar and violent. And right away with that statement it was like a switch also clicked on in my own brain because once again I ceased to care about her honor or mine and I spent another good hour violently fucking her like a cheap slut while degrading her in every way, and enjoying it thoroughly. And when all the fucking and cursing was done it was right back to captain-save-a-hoe and his princess on the pedestal. I still do not understand this phenomenon of instant personality change that takes place at moments of intimacy and have pretty much given up trying. We fell asleep together with me holding her tightly in my arms and it felt good.

Sunny stayed with me in my home for four days straight, she never left the house once or even bothered to put on any clothes for that matter, and neither did I except for two trips to Walgreens for more rubbers. I nearly lost my job for missing those four days and if I had I wouldn’t have gave a damn, I haven’t cared about much else in my life since that first night with her.

It was like a non-stop sex fest with her, I had never dreamed of a woman with such an insatiable appetite for sex, we were fucking maybe a half dozen times or more each day, what I do know is we went through three boxes of condoms in four days. And this wasn’t my brand of sex, it was hers, but at that point her brand of sex had become mine. I’d pretty much lost interest in any form of slow sensuous love making, no when we had sex she was my bitch, my *****, my slut, she insisted on it and I readily accepted my part in all of this. And in between the sex we would talk and cuddle and reminisce and talk about plans for the future and I tried to make it clear that I wanted her as part of that future, but she side stepped any such talk quickly. The thing that bothered me was that this was still the girl that all my friends had fucked, many times, and plenty of others had been there as well. How many men had had her? Hundreds, definitely, and thousands wouldn’t have been hard to believe. But even so I could look past that, it didn’t matter who or how many had been there before me, I worried about how many would be in her future. I hoped that I would be the last, but I never got any such assurance from her. But I told her how much I loved her and she said she loved me too, that no one had ever treated her as well as me, so I let that be enough and set my mind to optimism, which in this case turned out to only be blissful ignorance.

In months that followed Sunny would come by and spend the night several times a week. I hadn’t heard anything about her from my friends so that was a good sign, though I never asked because I didn’t want to seem jealous or even let them in on the fact that I was in love with the high school slut, I was not ready to defend her or myself from the judgments that I knew were coming. And I never asked her either if there was anyone else, because she would have told me the truth and I really was afraid of the answer so I kept quiet. Ignorance is bliss.

 

[tommycuck]

On one particular day I could not get her out of my head so I decided to stop by her apartment after work with some flowers. I had only been there once because she always insisted on coming to my place. And when I got there I was truly scared at what I might find, and I had good reason to be, I almost kept driving without going in because deep down I knew I was going to see something I didn’t like. I was right.

Sunny had company. Her door was answered by some guy who I’d never met, who when seeing the bouquet of flowers in my hand looked at me like I was fucking stupid. And in her living room there were two more guys watching TV, and my darling Sunny, was there casually reclined in a chair with nothing on but a skimpy little thong. And when she saw me she smiled, didn’t so much as flinch, like it was perfectly normal for her to be topless in her apartment with three guys. But when I dropped her flowers on the floor she gauged the angry look on my face, which I imagine was something similar to Charlie Manson at that moment, she got up in a hurry and took me into the bedroom and asked me if there was something wrong. Like she just didn’t comprehend why I would possibly have a problem.

Well I went ballistic, you know like how could you do this to me and I thought we had something special etc. etc. and she just stood there calm as ever like ok are you done now? And Im like who the fuck are these guys and she tells me one guy is a “friend” and the other two guys live down the hall from her. And so Im like well are you fucking them and she tells me that she fucked her “friend” a couple of times before but the two guys from down the hall only like blow jobs, as if that was better or something. And Im like so you’ve done something with all of them before but what the hell are they doing here now and she says they just came to “hang out” and I say ok well if they are only here to hang out then why the fuck aren’t you wearing any clothes and she tries to be coy like Im wearing panties see, but I don’t feel like wearing them any more and she takes them off and throws them at me and parades herself right back into the living room and sits down with the other guys.

So Im just standing there stunned by how indifferent she is to my feelings about this whole situation and kicking myself for ever coming over there. And one half of my brain is telling me hey at least you know the truth and the other half is like fuck the truth the truth ruins everything just leave and forget this ever happened and call her later. I just stood there for a while thinking once she realized she had made her point she would come back in there and talk to me again and I could try to talk this out with her without getting angry because getting angry obviously had no effect on her. I waited and waited and she never came back in the room and I was a little embarrassed to go back out there because I know I looked like an idiot in front of those other guys and why I cared what they thought I don’t know but I did.

And before I could even get up to go out and get her I could hear her moaning and shouting obscenities and a male voice yelling yeah you like that you little slut take that take that! And my heart sank right into my shoe, I wanted to throw myself out the window but instead I shot out of that room like a bullet like I was going to go out there and kick some ass but once I saw her getting screwed by her “friend” I just stopped in my tracks and did absolutely nothing. The other two guys were gone already, just me, the woman I love and the guy who was fucking her. And I stood there and watched him fuck her and defile her and degrade her much the same way I did when we had sex and I did nothing but stand there and feel sorry for myself before turning back around and going to sit in her room so she wouldn’t see me cry. And I was thankful that the guy didn’t last very long because the sound of her getting fucked by someone else was excruciating.

So eventually I hear him leave and Sunny comes back in the room like oh your still here don’t you have something better to do? And Im like why would you do that to me I thought you loved me and she says I do I wasn’t even going to fuck him today I was going to fuck you but you made me mad. And Im like come on you were damn near naked already when I got here those guys only came here for one thing and you know it and she’s like well you know I don’t like to wear clothes when I’m in the house and if I want to walk around naked in my apartment who cares and then she adds and anyways those guys have already seen me naked anyway and why do you even care. So Im like what if I didn’t show up were you going to fuck him then? And who was it yesterday and the day before and who’s going to be over here staring at your naked body and probably fucking you tomorrow? And she says why are you so jealous and maybe you shouldn’t see me anymore because I don’t like how you’re acting.

So right away I start to backpedal because I did not like being called jealous even though I was and the suggestion of not seeing her any more hurt even worse than her fucking someone else, so I tried to come at it with a different approach. So I apologized for acting jealous even though I still felt she should have been the one apologizing. And I told her that I loved her so much that it hurt to think of her being with some other guy. So then she was like well Im sorry I shouldn’t have let you see that and said how she didn’t think I was so serious about her and im like what the hell do you think it means when someone tells you they love you and she’s like I don’t know no one ever said it to her before.

So now, instead of being pissed like I should be, Im feeling sorry for her again. So Im like well now you know how I feel and she just jokingly says yeah I guess im kind of a slut huh? And Im like Kind of? And she’s like ok yeah I am a ***** but I know you knew that already when you said you loved me. And you never even said you wanted me to be your girlfriend anyway. She had me there, but I was like well Im just telling you now that I want to be with you and I don’t like it when you mess with other guys. So she says ok. And Im like Ok what? And she says ok I understand you don’t like it. So Im like are you going to stop? And she’s like well you know you don’t have to be my boyfriend to fuck me. So I tell her I want to be her boyfriend and asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend and she says yeah I guess but are you sure. And Im like yeah Im sure but you still didn’t answer are you going to stop fucking other guys or what and that includes having all these guys over at your house and walking around with no clothes on in front of them! So she says she doesn’t know. So I say well what the hell does that mean and she says she will “try”. And Im like damn, that’s it, you will try? Don’t I mean enough to you to just stop? And then she got all defensive like why are you pressuring me so much and then she called me jealous again and told me if I was going to be that way she didn’t know if she wanted to be with me. So I backed off but still felt like nothing was resolved and the hurt on my face was probably obvious.

 

[tommycuck]

So Sunny did what Sunny does best, she seduced me. With her all to familiar phrase, I’ve been a bad girl you want to punish me? And I did exactly that, it was probably the angriest sex I had ever had, I really was trying to punish her, and I took all of my anger and frustration out on her physically and verbally, not that she noticed, naturally she loved it.

After that day I tried to spend as much time with Sunny as I possibly could. No more waiting for the days she decided to come over. I figured the more time she spent with me the less time she could spend fucking other guys. But this proved to be just as frustrating and also pretty embarrassing.

First of all since I began spending so much time with her it was impossible to hide what was going on between me and her from my friends and I got a lot of shit from them and definitely lost a ton of respect. And secondly, I found Sunny had a knack for humiliating me, not intentionally mind you, but just by being the way she was.

She’d flirt shamelessly with other guys, let guys touch her and feel her up any way they wanted to regardless of the time place of situation, sitting in other guys laps, talking openly with others about her sexual needs and desires, and she dressed like total slut every where we went. She did this in front of friends, strangers, co-workers, and even a few of my cousins. Countless times I had to bear these pitiful looks from other people as if they wanted to say “Poor bastard”, or “Sucker”. And countless times I’d hear comments like “Man if that was my girl I would put her in her place”, and “Are you still going out with her because I saw her doing this or that with this person”, the drama was never ending. But I endured all of this because I wanted to keep her as close as I could, and for what? It still didn’t work.

At one point there was a rumor floating around at work about how several of my co-workers had fucked her. My friends had also told me she’d been gangbanged at a house party. When I’d come to her apartment to get her I would still find guys over there on occasion, “friends” of hers, and never once did I find her fully clothed. Every where we’d go it always seemed like we’d bump into some guy that knew her, and I could always see through the cautious way they spoke to her in my presence, and I know had I not been there they’d probably have had her on her back in no time.

But I never confronted her about anything, because what had it gotten me the last time I did? Not a damn thing. I just had to walk around knowing what was going on and pretending like everything was ok and it was hard. And I had considered calling it off many times, but then I thought to myself, what would be worse, to live with her indiscretions or to not have her at all? My heart couldn’t really bear that thought. So I suffered and toiled in jealousy for a very long time.

In fact, the worse it got the better I treated her. The second I became suspicious of something, or even when I knew for a fact she had done something, like the gangbang at the house party for example, I would take her out and treat her like a princess, maybe thinking that by doing this I could make her feel guilty, but I doubt if she ever felt any guilt. My only avenue to vent my feelings of frustration and hurt was our sex, and the amount of pleasure I got from degrading and defiling her sexually increased drastically over time, much to her liking. And even after words, I would see her sleeping quietly, or smile or laugh and get filled with all of these warm feelings for her, in spite of everything. Who ever said you cant live with them and cant live without them might have been the most insightful person alive.

Then everything came to a head about two years ago. I showed up at her apartment one afternoon when I’d decided to skip out on work, unannounced, and I kind of knew that was a bad idea. I had gotten into the habit of calling first because if I didn’t or if I showed up too early I usually ended up seeing things I didn’t want to see, like Sunny prancing around naked or half naked with guys over. But I was already having a bad day so I guess maybe I was looking for trouble that day which is probably why I showed up with no warning.

As soon as I got to the door I could hear her inside getting fucked, you couldn’t possibly not because she is major screamer who loves to talk dirty during sex. And for once I felt more mad than hurt, so I opened the door without bothering to knock. So I walk in and I can hear that Sunny and whoever else is in her bedroom, and right away this black guy jumps up off of her couch asking me who the fuck am I and tells me I cant just walk in there like that like he owns the place then he storms over and tries to push me out the door, and I’m asking him the same question, so he’s like I’m so- and –so he gave me some ghetto street name I can’t remember and who the fuck are you she’s busy. And Im like yeah no shit I got ears now get out of my way and this asshole will not budge so Im wrestling with this strange guy in her doorway listening to her scream about how much she loves god-knows-who’s cock in her ass and finally this guy gets me out the door into the hallway and slams the door on me and locks it. little does he know I have a key. So I go back to my truck and start digging for my tire iron because I am dead set on smashing this guys fucking head open.

So fifteen minutes later I finally get it after having to undo my fifth wheel to get at it and I walk back up there and there is another older guy going into her building at the same time as me. So Im walking to her apartment and this guy is basically walking right in front of me step for step and sure as shit he stops right at Sunny’s door. So I stop right behind him and he looks at me weird and im like who the hell are you? And he looks all nervous and says are you a cop? And Im like what kind of fucking question is that do I look like a cop? Then he’s like oh, are you here to see Jasmine? And I’m like Jasmine who the F is Jasmine. And he’s like shit well I hope she didn’t double book us or maybe she is working with her friend again?

Ok now I am really confused. This guy is already knocking on the door so I step back so the guy in the apartment doesn’t see me right away and my tire iron is hidden up my sleeve and Im getting ready to jump out and smack this loser with it and the door opens and hear a female voice say hello to the old guy and he’s like hey Jasmine you didn’t double book us did you and so some hot looking Hispanic chick who I’ve never seen before peeks around the door and looks at me and asks me if I am there to see Vanessa and Im like who the F is that I am here to see Sunny and then she gives me this weird look and says she’s with a client and tells me I must be early so I have to wait out in the car for her to call me.

So now I finally understand what is happening. I shove her out of the way and walk inside and the black guy is still there like you back again motherfucker? And he gets up like he’s ready to fight and I let the tire iron slide out of my sleeve and I go for him and start swinging wildly at him and this Jasmine girl starts screaming and the old guy bolted out of there like a bat out of hell. And the black guy is backing up and I finally land one and knock him down and I started kicking him and teling him to stay the hell away from Sunny and the Hispanic girl is grabbing my arm yelling at me to get off of him and out of no where Sunny comes running out of her room naked trying to help the other girl pull me away while some naked john is freaking out in the hallway, it was complete insanity.

Somebody called the cops because the door was wide open while all of this is going on and there are neighbors out in the hall watching all of this happen so I end up going to jail for assault, and so did the black guy for a warrant and the Hispanic girl turns out to be 17 and she got hauled off as did Sunny for allegedly running an operation of ************ though she later got he charges dropped as it was later learned that this black guy was the one who was running things. So as it all came out, The black guy was Sunny’s pimp, the same pimp who had blackened her eye the night I picked her up from the hotel over two years earlier, and the 17 year old “Jasmine” was one of his other prostitutes and “Vanessa” was actually Sunny’s working name. Ultimately I got my charge dropped to battery and got a program that kept it off of my record with some community service and anger management classes and Sunny pled to a count of ************ which was actually her second so she did 30 days and got a couple of years probation. The pimp piece of shit got 15 years for promotion of ************ partially due to the Hispanic girl being a minor and I couldn’t have been happier about that.

 

[tommycuck]

I had a long talk with Sunny and she insisted that she enjoyed being a ****** even though she did not like her pimp but she agreed that if she didn’t have to worry about money that she would choose not to sell herself any more because she knew it was dangerous. So I told her I wanted her to come and live with me and that I would take care of everything she needed so she didn’t have to worry about money any more. She agreed once I assured her that this was really what I wanted and not because I felt obligated. At that point I put in a transfer request at my job and put my house on the market and eventually sold it well below market value just to get out of there.

I figured a fresh start in a new city where no one knew us would be a good thing for our relationship. I definitely felt better knowing that all of her old fuck partners couldn’t reach her any more and that she was away from the ****** business. Not to mention I would no longer have to see all of the people who she had embarrassed me in front of. It seemed like a good move all around and I hoped things would be different.
The week before we moved we took a much needed vacation to Las Vegas. A girl like her in a town like that I don’t need to tell you she was more than a handful, I am positive she slept with at least a handful of men while we were there but I took all of her behavior in stride because I felt that the change was coming with the move. The reason I chose Vegas for the vacation in the first place other than I like to gamble, is so she could sort of “get it out of her system”, pretty naïve of me I suppose. Any how on our final night in Vegas I proposed to her, and she was shocked, and asked me about a dozen times if I was sure about it, and I told her emphatically that yes I was certain and she accepted. I would stop short of saying it was a magical moment, but it did result in probably the most sincere expression of her love for me that I had yet experienced. And it was followed by an even more violent and deviant sexual experience than usual, I suppose that is her form of expression in some screwed up way, like to show you how much I love you I will have you degrade me to the ultimate degree? Who knows.

Things didn’t change a whole lot as I had hoped. She was no longer turning tricks but that is all the good that came of the move. Her behavior changed little. Anywhere I’d take her she’d still dress like a slut and attract a ton of unwanted attention, and flirt and send out all of the signals to let guys know she could easily be had, humiliating me in the process just as she did before. I’d protest and she’d call me jealous and just act out even more.

Eventually I lost my job because I could not focus at all, I was too busy worrying about what she was doing when I wasn’t home. I’d occasionally find empty condom rappers in my trash or in her car, new guys phone numbers in her cell whenever I checked it, and about a dozen adult websites in my computers web browsing history. Obviously I knew she was still fucking around but I kept quiet for a long time because I just didn’t want to face the music, because every argument came down to her saying that maybe I was better off without her.

Well, even though I knew what she was doing, when I finally saw it with my own eyes that was finally the straw that broke the camels back. We were out bar hopping last St. Patty’s day and she suddenly disappeared for what seemed like a long time to me when I went to use the bathroom, and when we go out I never let her out of my site for more than a minute at a time. So I looked around for her all over the bar and couldn’t find her so I went out side and started looking around for her and sure enough I can HEAR her getting fucked. There is an SUV with 3 Mexican guys standing outside of it and the light on the inside is on and coming out of it is her unmistakable voice screaming out sexual vulgarities. There were too many of them for me to do anything about it so I went to my truck and sat there and watched as one guy would come out another one would go in, until they had all fucked her and then out stumbles my ***** fiancee without the fishnet stockings she had had on last I saw her who casually takes seat on the rear bumper and puts her panties back on and then starts strolling across the parking lot barefoot carrying her shoes and her purse in hand. But oh wait, she’s not done yet. Two more Mexican guys come out of the bar and join the other group who had just screwed her and then one of them runs after her and catches up with her before she gets back to the bar entrance, says something to her and she does an about face and heads right back to the SUV, hops inside with the other two guys and does what she does best I imagine.

I am so pissed at this point I start my truck and peel out of the parking lot and leave her there. And I make it half way home and I am overcome with guilt so I turn around to go and get her. Being an indiscriminate ***** is dangerous enough but she was ***** on top of it and I couldn’t of lived with myself if anything had happened to her. I pull back into the parking lot, and the Mexicans SUV is still parked where it was but no one was around it anymore it looks empty so I figure she must be inside looking for me. I get out and start heading back in to the bar and there is her voice again “Choke me choke me! Call me a dirty slut!”

I started laughing, who knows why. I was so far beyond anger, so far beyond tears, so used to her being the way she is that I guess all that was left to do was laugh about it. I guess you could say I became emotionally immune to it.

Three guys come walking by and their all staring at this car because you can hear her loud and clear from inside of it. So I ask them to bum a smoke, and I hadn’t smoked since college, and one of them is like sweet sounds like somebody got lucky in there. And I’m like are you kidding that little ***** in there has fucked at least twenty people from this bar tonight. Yeah I was exaggerating the number but then again who knows I was gone for almost 20 minutes. So their like really is she hot? And Im like hell yeah she’s model material and they all looked surprised. So their like what are you waiting for a shot and Im like nope I already had her Im just getting some fresh air. Yeah you guys should stick around she’ll probably do all you guys Id bet anything on it. So there like really ok cool.

So I walk back to my truck and lean against the hood and puff on my smoke. And eventually Sunny steps out of the back of the car looking like a mess trying to fix her hair in the guys side view mirror and the three guys who bummed me the cig are standing by their car a few rows down from her and I hear them start yelling for her to go over there so naturally she does. And she showed me exactly how easy she is when it took them maybe 60 seconds at the very most to get her in the back of their car.

So I sat back in my truck and turned on the radio and waited for her to finish getting tossed up by three more strangers in the back of their shitty car and saw her get out of the car sometime later and start shuffling barefoot across the parking lot again towards the bar. Well I thought about going to grab her at that point but no, I just wanted to see how many more guys she would let have her before the night was over, or to see if she had any concern for where I was or what I was doing or what I might be thinking in her absence. Well apparently she had none. She made it in the door but I guess they didn’t let her back in or something because she came right back out and around to the parking lot and sat on the hood of somebody’s car. Then I see her pull something out of her purse, and oh it’s just her panties and she puts them back on and I started laughing again. Well I guess when you get fucked so many times in one night it’s a pain to keep putting them back on right? Might as well wait until you’re done, or until you think you’re done, but she wasn’t done.

I guess it must have been ten minutes before someone else came out of the bar, probably felt like an eternity for her, a whole ten minutes without getting screwed by a stranger. They saw her and walked by and no doubt tried to hit on her, probably wasted a clever pick-up line on her not knowing that Sunny didn’t need any persuasion. She followed these two guys to their car and got in with one of them while the other was standing look out, then they traded places, Im sure they both fucked her in every orifice because it took for fucking ever. By then it was pretty close to closing time and some cops pulled in the parking lot near the front which figures being that it was St Patty’s day probably looking to hand out a few DUI’s. So I wondered if she would still be so bold with the cops around, well as soon as she managed to get her panties on for the third or fourth time or whatever it was she made a bee-line straight for them. Wow I thought is she going to offer herself to the cops?

Well she was standing there talking to the cops for a long time and it started to look like an argument so I finally jumped out and went to see what was up. And she is screaming and cursing at them talking about how she wants them to arrest everybody in the bar for not letting her back in because she did have a wrist band after all see look. And the cops look at me like is she with you, Im like yeah and they tell me to take her home before they take her to jail so I literally had to pick her up and carry her back to my truck because I was pretty sure the cops weren’t going to put up with being called little dick pig fuckers for very much longer.

 

[tommycuck]

Sunny reeked of alcohol and sex, mostly sex, looked like shit, hair all over in a tizz with something that could have only been dried sperm in several places, shirt ripped, feet dirty, skirt with stains from things I didn’t want to think about, and just to make herself even more attractive she puked in her own lap as soon as the truck started moving then promptly leaned over and ********** in my lap. And even in the horrible state that she was in, when I looked at her she was still beautiful to me and I still loved her. But I knew for sure no matter what that I was going to break up with her.

After I gave her a day to recover from her binging on St. Patty’s, I broke it to her. I told her I could not be with someone who did not respect me in any way shape or form. She insisted that she DID respect me more than any one and predictably said that this was jealousy speaking for me and down played her promiscuity with “You know how I am, it’s no big deal.” I just wasn’t buying it, I told her that this was it for me and her and I was pretty shocked to see that she actually showed a little remorse. She didn’t cry, but she came close, and she even pleaded with me to change my mind. I asked her if she was ever going to change and she thought about it and gave me an honest answer in saying that she doubted she ever would, and frankly really didn’t want to. I asked her why I wasn’t worth changing for, and she countered with why isn’t she worth accepting the way she is. Ouch, I had no answer for that other than my ego and my emotions could not handle it. Well that’s one thing I could never fault her for, she was always honest, even when a lie would have sounded a hundred times better.

I didn’t have a heart to put her out on the street so I told her that she could stay with me for as long as she needed to, or if she wanted to go back to KC than I would make arrangements to get her back there and set her up with an apartment with a couple of months rent paid up front. She said she didn’t want to go back there and opted to stay with me as long as there were no “conditions” to her staying here she said she didn’t want to be walking on egg shells all the time worrying that she might find herself out on the street one day if she did something I didn’t like. I agreed, but shit I should have really thought about what that meant when I agreed.

Well that was about 7 months ago and she is still here living with me and it has not been an easy thing to deal with. I do love having her around because I would miss her like crazy if she were gone, I do adore her still and my heart keeps trying to pull me back to her but I have gotten in the habit of letting my brain have veto power over my heart, at least most of the time. But the temptation is right here in front of me every singe day.

Sunny has never outgrown her habit of going about her days in the nude or various forms of it so every time I see her it seems to be in some state of undress if not completely naked and I have never at any point become indifferent to it as I hoped I would so you could say that every time I see her I have the urge to fuck her. And I think man most guys would love this waking up to find this hot girl naked on your living room sofa watching the morning news. I’ve given into that temptation too many times because I know I can have her. And it’s worse because it is so easy for me. I don’t have to sit her down and have some reconciliation talk or anything like that, hell I don’t have to say anything at all I can just take her at my pleasure and she is always ready and willing. And this only leads me to become more attached to her, and its not the sex per say, but the moments after it when we are talking and communicating and laughing that I’m reminded of my true feelings. But I always remind myself that as easy as it was for me to take her, it is just as easy for everyone else, and I think, maybe every guy who’s had her has found the same connection with her so maybe its not that special at all.

My house has turned into a brothel, only at this brothel there is only one provider and the services are free. Yeah her thing about staying with me with “no conditions” basically meant she wanted to have a lot of guys over and she does. She fucks all over my house and I have seen it first hand, Sunny getting screwed on my couch, in my kitchen, in the bathroom, in the garage, in her room with door wide open, and I have to say that it really isn’t that hard to swallow any more. In fact, I’ve been transformed into a major voyeur. Some days I come home and I am almost looking forward to seeing someone banging her. And some days when I find her alone, I feel strangely disappointed that I didn’t come home to a sex show. I never thought I could grow not only indifferent to it, but to actually enjoy the one thing that used to rip my heart out, in some deeply perverse way. Yes I still feel the jealous butterflies eating at my stomach when I see her taking another mans cock in her but more powerful than that is the strong sense of sexual gratification I get from it. So, in fact, it is no longer her having sex with so many other guys that troubles me, but the moments after ward. When I hear her and who ever she is with laughing, or kissing, or just talking, the way her and I do, that is what bothers me. I guess I have grown beyond acceptance all the way to enjoyment of her self proclaimed “slut” status, her pussy is fair game to the world always has been fine I’m over it, but there is still that other part of her that I want all for myself.

So I started dating. I was told by many people that the best way to get over someone is to find someone else, that seemed like sound advice. But this is where Sunny has ruined me. With the sex. I simply do not know how to be with “normal” women, and I use that term loosely because normal is a pretty relative term, but lets face it, the world is not full of women who liked to be spanked, slapped, choked, pounded in every orifice, spit on and called degrading names. And that is the kind of sex that I have been having for so long and as I have found, it has become the only kind of sex that interests me even slightly. I have met some pretty great women once I put my mind on getting back in the game, I’m only 30 years old, in great shape and look as good as I did in my 20’s people usually think Im still in my 20’s for that matter, not rich but self sufficient and doing ok by most peoples standards, a relatively nice guy with a sense of humor so it’s not all that hard for me to meet women.

But then comes the sex. Sex, in the way that I used to know it before Sunny, seems so damned boring to me that I can hardly keep it up for any length of time in such a situation. I have lost interest in a lot of women very quickly because sexually we are just on a completely different page now. At the mere suggestion of doing some of things that I did with Sunny they get defensive at best and bitter at worst. I do not know how to get myself back to where I was before, where I could enjoy and even crave sex without all of the more BDSM like elements to it or the name calling or whatever. Understand that it has been suggested by someone that because of Sunny I now “hate” women because of the kind of sex Im into and I can assure you that could not be farther from the truth. It is a purely a sexual thing not personal. I have evolved an uncanny ability to compartmentalize sex and love, respect, etc. The things I say during sex for example, I would never say at the dinner table. And I do not see all women as objects or lesser beings in any way, quite the opposite, my nature is to completely put them on a pedestal like princesses, though I know that seems to be an obvious contradiction to my sexual proclivities. This is like irony at its finest.

So the question I had been asking myself for the longest time, is how to do I find a woman like Sunny, only without the complete disregard for my feelings? I thought the answer to my problem was to seek out and find such a woman, you know lady in the streets slut behind closed doors cliché. But lately I have thought, maybe the real solution is to learn how to want the kind of sex that most women are accustomed to, because that kind of woman is not hard for me to find. But will I always feel like something is missing? Because the only other option it seems, is to resign myself to being with Sunny and accepting my role as a cuckold. In some ways I am perfectly fine with that, but then I know that I will always feel disrespected in some way. Its not that I even care about her sleeping with other guys any more, hell I might even encourage it given my recent acceptance of my voyeuristic fetish, but not having any say at all about who or when or even the power of veto over someone who maybe I just do not like, it’s almost pointless. If I just wanted to fuck her and not have either of us abide by any type of rules or obligations to strengthen our commitment then I already have that and it has left me wanting.

 

[tommycuck]

Well for the last couple of months I’ve been good about resisting Sunny, because a night with her leaves me empty in the morning. So to feed my sexual needs I have come around to seeing escorts. Mind you, no ****** that I know of will tolerate the full gamut of sexual fetishes that I experienced with Sunny, but there are a couple that with some warning before hand, will go as far as the spanking, light hair pulling and tolerate the name calling, add a few bucks and even anal is on the menu albeit a much softer version. And this has gotten me by for the past few months, and in addition to meeting the sexual end of it, there is just the good old human interaction part of it, which is something I get little of these days since I’ve been trying to keep my distance from Sunny. But what am I going to do live my love life vicariously through escorts for the rest of my days? When the time is up I am left as wanting as I was before. Its like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound so to speak and I am not wealthy enough to pay for a 24-7 pretend girlfriend.

I really have no clue what to do with myself anymore. Be with Sunny and accept things how they are? Changing Sunny in any capacity is simply not going to happen so it’s take it or leave it as is with her. Should I be a life long bachelor with a rolodex of open-minded escorts? I might be a little too much of a romantic for that. Hold out for the one in a million girl that connects with me emotionally but is just as much of a sexual deviant as me? Yeah I also buy lottery tickets every Wednesday and Saturday, maybe that will happen too. Fix the sexual part of me that Sunny broke? How? And did she ruin me, or just ****** me to who I really am sexually to begin with? I have to find a way to come to some conclusion soon because right now I am just spinning my wheels in life, and I will never be able to focus on anything else until I come to some resolution.

P.S> sorry for the length of this post, I had intended to be far more concise but this is the first time I’ve ever laid it all out there like this and, if I may quote Tony Soprano, it was kind of like taking a shit if you know what I mean, had to get it all out. Sorry.

 

[Custer Laststand]

Far out....

Tommycuck,

I have to say that's a remarkable story (and I actually did read the whole thing). Amazing. Beyond that, I don't know what to say — in part, perhaps, because it doesn't seem clear whether you're asking for any sort of feedback.

—Custer

 

[tommycuck]

Tommycuck,

I have to say that's a remarkable story (and I actually did read the whole thing). Amazing. Beyond that, I don't know what to say — in part, perhaps, because it doesn't seem clear whether you're asking for any sort of feedback.

—Custer

Yes I am because I am in a rut and any insight is helpful. As they say two heads are better than one and good advice is good advice weather it comes from a friend, stranger, or a TV ad. And as my mother used to say, the further you distance yourself from a problem, the clearer the solution looks.

 

[tommycuck]

I laugh when I get very angry and when I am beating someone. I think if you want to make this work you would be more like swingers. In some ways she did ruin but in others she woke you up. I don't think you can go back its hard for most humans,its like fucking for the first time then going back to just jacking off.

Yeah I've thought about the swinging thing. The thing is though, even in the lifestyle, Im not sure I'd find a woman who does anything for me sexually, or at the very most they would be few and far between. And a girl like Sunny might be too fast even for the swingers. I have a friend in the lifestyle, and from what I've been told, even though they are a hell of a lot more open with their sexuality, they aren't as wild and wanton as every one thinks, lots of rules involved.

When I think about it, I picture us at a swing party, and me sitting by myself, while Sunny has gone and done every guy in the party, while all of the mens wives are exhcanging catty remarks about this new ***** who showed up and looking at me with the same pity that everyone else does who sees how little control I have over her. Its like the same humiliation all over again.

As far as going back to vanilla sex, yeah, I find it hard to see myself finding the way back, but still hoping there is a way. Even as I type this, I am fighting the temptation to go upstairs and shove my dick up Sunny's ass and take all of my frustration out on her body. Defintely miss fucking her, thats for sure.

 

[Custer Laststand]

Tommycuck,

I'll comment on some excerpts from your 8-part post that seem to me to bring out, in a sense, the essential elements of your situation.

.... on our final night in Vegas I proposed to her. She was shocked, and asked me about a dozen times if I was sure about it. I told her emphatically that yes, I was certain. She accepted. I'll stop short of saying it was a magical moment, but it did result in probably the most sincere expression of her love for me that I had yet experienced. It was followed by even more violent and deviant sex than usual....

So, knowing exactly what Sunny was like and what she was all about, you proposed marriage. It sounds like an expression of love. And she accepted. Her acceptance sounds like an expression of love for you. (I assume you subsequently married her in Vegas, although you didn't say so.)

Things didn’t change a whole lot, as I had hoped.

This sounds a lot like the classic case of a woman marrying a man who is an alcoholic, convinced that her love and affection will reform him and he will stop drinking. But "he is who he is," as Popeye might put it, and her marriage goes downhill from there.

Eventually I lost my job, because I could not focus at all....

That's serious.

.... I was too busy worrying about what she was doing when I wasn’t home.

Why? You knew what your wife was doing. Why worry about it?

Well, even though I knew what she was doing, when I finally saw it with my own eyes that was finally the straw that broke the camel's back. .... [finally] the cops looked at me like, is she with you? I'm like, yeah. They tell me to take her home before they take her to jail — so I literally had to pick her up and carry her back to my truck because I was pretty sure the cops weren’t going to put up with being called little dick pig fuckers for very much longer.

No, probably not. That does sound sort of extreme.

I didn’t have a heart to put her out on the street....

You're a good man.

....so I told her that she could stay with me for as long as she needed to, or if she wanted to go back to KC [Kansas City?] than I would make arrangements to get her back there and set her up with an apartment with a couple of months rent paid up front. She said she didn’t want to go back there and opted to stay with me as long as there were no “conditions” to her staying here; she said she didn’t want to be walking on egg shells all the time worrying that she might find herself out on the street one day if she did something I didn’t like. I agreed....

Sounds like Sunny told you she wanted to continue being your wife.

Well, that was about 7 months ago and she is still here living with me and it has not been an easy thing to deal with. I do love having her around because I would miss her like crazy if she were gone. I do adore her still and my heart keeps trying to pull me back to her but I have gotten in the habit of letting my brain have veto power over my heart, at least most of the time. But the temptation is right here in front of me every singe day.

Sounds like you still love Sunny. (I don't see anything about a divorce in all this....)

My house has turned into a brothel, only at this brothel there is only one provider and the services are free. Yeah her thing about staying with me with “no conditions” basically meant she wanted to have a lot of guys over and she does. .... In fact, I’ve been transformed into a major voyeur. Some days I come home and I am almost looking forward to seeing someone banging her. And some days when I find her alone, I feel strangely disappointed that I didn’t come home to a sex show. I never thought I could grow not only indifferent to it, but to actually enjoy the one thing that used to rip my heart out, in some deeply perverse way.

And it sounds like, in spite of yourself, you have developed a true cuckold personality.

.... So the question I had been asking myself for the longest time, is how to do I find a woman like Sunny, only without the complete disregard for my feelings?

Probably you won't.

Because the only other option, it seems, is to resign myself to being with Sunny and accepting my role as a cuckold.

Yes....

In some ways I am perfectly fine with that, but then I know that I will always feel disrespected in some way.

I think that's the lot of cuckolds.

.... Well, for the last couple of months I’ve been good about resisting Sunny, because a night with her leaves me empty in the morning. So to feed my sexual needs I have come around to seeing escorts. .... [but] I am not wealthy enough to pay for a 24-7 pretend girlfriend.

Sounds expensive. And no, I don't imagine you would be.

I really have no clue what to do with myself anymore.

That's serious.

Be with Sunny and accept things how they are? Changing Sunny in any capacity is simply not going to happen....

No, I don't think so. See "the well-meaning woman who marries an alcoholic" analogy, above (except, of course, you're a man).

.... right now I am just spinning my wheels in life. I will never be able to focus on anything else until I come to some resolution.

This too is serious.

P.S.> Sorry for the length of this post .... it was kind of like taking a shit, if you know what I mean. I had to get it all out.

No need to say you're sorry. This sort of thing is what this forum is about. And that was a good way to put it.

My impression is that the key to resolving your internal anguish, if there is one, is to somehow separate your feelings of love for Sunny (I use that word because I think you really do love her) from your deeply-held feeling that the only appropriate way for her to reciprocate your love is to be sexually faithful to you.

In other words, I suggest you need to somehow free yourself from your conviction that, in spite of yourself, is deeply-felt and somewhere deep in your consciousness keeps telling you that for your marriage to be satisfactory, Sunny must accept you as her sole sexual partner, and your sexual relationship must be exclusively with her.

If you can do that, it seems possible you and Sunny could have a marriage in which you live together and do things together because you like (indeed, love) each other, but in which Sunny fucks whoever she wants — that is to say, every man in sight — because, well, she has to. She does it because that is the way she is, and you fully accept her on that basis. And because you yourself are magnetically attracted to her, you fuck her as hard and as roughly — with raw animalism, one might say — just as often as you and she like.

Given your description of your experiences with Sunny and the depth of your feelings of anguish about her and about yourself, the above is almost certainly easier said than done. Thus, I suggest it would be of substantial value to you to consult a psychologist — one who is licensed and, preferably, has a Ph.D. Since Sunny does not seem to share your feelings of anguish (my impression is, she is comfortable with who she is), I suggest you will be best off to find and begin consulting one one your own, at least at first.

I don't know whether you would feel more at ease talking about problems of this nature with a male or female psychologist. Personally, I would find it easier to talk with a woman because not wanting to reveal "personal weaknesses" to another man would probably get in the way. The depth of your problem is such that I would suggest interviewing more than one, say three or four if necessary, until you find one you feel you like and feel a sense of connection with. Since you will eventually want to include Sunny, a woman psychologist would probably be best. (If it's a man, the first time Sunny visits him with you she will probably fuck him, which will make it difficult for him to remain impartial.)

If you have medical coverage through your employer, visits to a psychologist due to "marital problems" might be covered. If you don't, or if you would prefer your insurance company not have records of visits by you to a psychologist, you could probably just pay for it out of pocket. Ph.D.-level psychologists charge significantly less than medical doctors, and I strongly suspect you could find one who could help you a lot.

I recommend it.

—Custer

 

[tommycuck]

Tommycuck,

Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck Things didn’t change a whole lot, as I had hoped.
This sounds a lot like the classic case of a woman marrying a man who is an alcoholic, convinced that her love and affection will reform him and he will stop drinking.
*******That about sums it up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck .... I was too busy worrying about what she was doing when I wasn’t home.
Why? You knew what your wife was doing. Why worry about it?
******* That’s a good point. I guess I didn’t word it properly. It wasn’t that I was worried, obviously I knew what she was doing like you said, it’s just that it bothered the hell out of me and I was wanting to control things that were out of my hands.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck I didn’t have a heart to put her out on the street....
You're a good man.
******* My reasons were partially selfish ones as well. I’m no saint.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck ....so I told her that she could stay with me for as long as she needed to, or if she wanted to go back to KC [Kansas City?] than I would make arrangements to get her back there and set her up with an apartment with a couple of months rent paid up front. She said she didn’t want to go back there and opted to stay with me as long as there were no “conditions” to her staying here; she said she didn’t want to be walking on egg shells all the time worrying that she might find herself out on the street one day if she did something I didn’t like. I agreed....
Sounds like Sunny told you she wanted to continue being your wife.
****** She didn’t want to end our engagement, true. She also likes her situation very much I suspect. She lives a carefree life in which she doesn’t have to work or worry about money. Everything is provided by me. Not many women are going to pass on a situation like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck Well, that was about 7 months ago and she is still here living with me and it has not been an easy thing to deal with. I do love having her around because I would miss her like crazy if she were gone. I do adore her still and my heart keeps trying to pull me back to her but I have gotten in the habit of letting my brain have veto power over my heart, at least most of the time. But the temptation is right here in front of me every singe day.
Sounds like you still love Sunny.
****** No doubt about it. Unfortunately in many ways I equate loving her to loving to play in traffic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck My house has turned into a brothel, only at this brothel there is only one provider and the services are free. Yeah her thing about staying with me with “no conditions” basically meant she wanted to have a lot of guys over and she does. .... In fact, I’ve been transformed into a major voyeur. Some days I come home and I am almost looking forward to seeing someone banging her. And some days when I find her alone, I feel strangely disappointed that I didn’t come home to a sex show. I never thought I could grow not only indifferent to it, but to actually enjoy the one thing that used to rip my heart out, in some deeply perverse way.
And it sounds like, in spite of yourself, you have developed a true cuckold personality.
******* And it’s a strange feeling, a mixed bag of sorts, the jealousy mixed with the arousal. My favorite thing to do these days is watch her get fucked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck .... So the question I had been asking myself for the longest time, is how to do I find a woman like Sunny, only without the complete disregard for my feelings?
Probably you won't.
********* I’ve pretty much conceded that much. Wishful thinking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck Because the only other option, it seems, is to resign myself to being with Sunny and accepting my role as a cuckold.
Yes....
********* Still struggling with that idea. It has it’s appeal, and it’s pitfalls.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck In some ways I am perfectly fine with that, but then I know that I will always feel disrespected in some way.
I think that's the lot of cuckolds.
********* And there in lays the problem, I hate this part of the equation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck I really have no clue what to do with myself anymore.
That's serious.

******** You’re telling me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck Be with Sunny and accept things how they are? Changing Sunny in any capacity is simply not going to happen....
No, I don't think so. See "the well-meaning woman who marries an alcoholic" analogy, above (except, of course, you're a man).
Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck .... right now I am just spinning my wheels in life. I will never be able to focus on anything else until I come to some resolution.
This too is serious.

********* I probably shouldn’t let it affect me so much but I’ve had a one track mind for months.


Quote:
Originally Posted by tommycuck P.S.> Sorry for the length of this post .... it was kind of like taking a shit, if you know what I mean. I had to get it all out.
No need to say you're sorry. This sort of thing is what this forum is about. And that was a good way to put it.

My impression is that the key to resolving your internal anguish, if there is one, is to somehow separate your feelings of love for Sunny (I use that word because I think you really do love her) from your deeply-held feeling that the only appropriate way for her to reciprocate your love is to be sexually faithful to you.

In other words, I suggest you need to somehow free yourself from your conviction that, in spite of yourself, is deeply-felt and somewhere deep in your consciousness keeps telling you that for your marriage to be satisfactory, Sunny must accept you as her sole sexual partner, and your sexual relationship must be exclusively with her.


****** Not entirely true. I have learned to compartmentalize the love / sex elements. Watching her get fucked by other men has become a huge turn on. At this point I don’t think I would suggest monogamy to her, not just because I know it isn’t possible but because on some level I’ve grown to appreciate the ***** in her. I just want to have some control over it, some say in who fucks her, the power to say “Honey, tonight we are hanging out with people I work with so please do not flirt, suck, or FUCK any of them because it will make me look like an idiot at work.” Or, “You know what that guy has no respect for the fact that we are together so find someone else to fuck”. Or, "How about just you and me tonight". But as it’s always been, I have no say what so ever. ********

If you can do that, it seems possible you and Sunny could have a marriage in which you live together and do things together because you like (indeed, love) each other, but in which Sunny fucks whoever she wants — that is to say, every man in sight — because, well, she has to. She does it because that is the way she is, and you fully accept her on that basis. And because you yourself are magnetically attracted to her, you fuck her as hard and as roughly — with raw animalism, one might say — just as often as you and she like.
Given your description of your experiences with Sunny and the depth of your feelings of anguish about her and about yourself, the above is almost certainly easier said than done. Thus, I suggest it would be of substantial value to you to consult a psychologist — one who is licensed and, preferably, has a Ph.D. Since Sunny does not seem to share your feelings of anguish (my impression is, she is comfortable with who she is), I suggest you will be best off to find and begin consulting one one your own, at least at first.

I don't know whether you would feel more at ease talking about problems of this nature with a male or female psychologist. Personally, I would find it easier to talk with a woman because not wanting to reveal "personal weaknesses" to another man would probably get in the way. The depth of your problem is such that I would suggest interviewing more than one, say three or four if necessary, until you find one you feel you like and feel a sense of connection with. Since you will eventually want to include Sunny, a woman psychologist would probably be best. (If it's a man, the first time Sunny visits him with you she will probably fuck him, which will make it difficult for him to remain impartial.)
****** You’re right she probably would fuck the shrink. But honestly, I don’t think I could ever get her to go to one. Understand, she knows she has “issues”, but in spite of them she loves being the way she is. She has said more than once, and I quote, “I LOVE being a *****”. Sunny always strongly resists any attempt to change her, and I believe she would view seeing a shrink as such an attempt.

As for me seeing a shrink. Well, I’ve thought about it. But I can’t help being a little cynical in that I think any shrink on the planet would probably just tell me to leave her, case closed. And while I can accept that that may ultimately be part of the solution to my complex problem, the question still becomes, THEN WHAT. I have deviated so far from the sexual norm by being with Sunny for so long that trying to find another mate who’s compatible sexually is nothing better than a crap shoot. So either the shrink has to A. Help me find my way back to sexual normalcy in order to date in the mainstream again, or
B. Help me find a way to accept things exactly as they are with Sunny, but I think it unlikely they would recommend me staying with her in any capacity.

In spite of my cynicism, I imagine I will probably end up seeing somebody anyway. I suppose it couldn’t hurt. ******