How to avoid 'it' from happening.

[AngleBaby]

Yes, I know, most here want it to happen. But there are some who have that fantasy, but do not want to take the plunge.
I thought it to be a good idea to discuss how people who have a fantasy can keep their fantasies from becoming a reality.
There are also those who are married to wives who want to have extra cock sans the husband's lack of said fantasy.
Love isn't a game. People can get hurt. It can be you, or your wife. So choosing to go either way, one must consider if you are willing to risk the pain yourself, and risk hurting your wife.
So this thread is to help husbands enjoy a fulfilling love life, both in and outside of the bed, with their wives.

The general rule: It take effort from both sides and not all effort needs to be fun.
This is not really about cleaning up the house so your wife can rest. This is more about massages, remembering to say 'I love you', turning off the game and nailing your feet to the floor to her what she has to say about something you feel strongly about. But this is a double edged sword. The wife needs to put effort into it too.

Communication: This is something that can take effort to do as well, but it pays off.
Talk about your fantasy openly and talk about what is important in your relationship. What needs do you have and what do you not need that you can give up to meet your wife's needs. Not talking about chastity here. I am talking about what you used to use your time on. The computer. The TV. The car. Beer. Games.
Talking about the fantasy can also help you shed light on your own needs. It can also give you a heads up as to what will really hurt.

Please, come with more suggestions.

 

[AngleBaby]

Another point.

Marriage is also a commitment to help each other grow as people. Some want to grow into the world of cuckolding. Others are too afraid of what might happen. Talk about what kind of person you want to become for your spouse and ask for help.

 

[SoonToBe]

Angle - as my wife and I can attest to - we spent over 10 years during the "avoid it happening" phase. While I had longed to have it happen for real, if it didn't because of whatever reasons, I would have been equally content as I do love Sue very much.

During that decade or more we had lots of fun with fantasizing and doing other things that excited and aroused us. From nude beaches to Sue naming her favorite dildos/vibrators and us using the "guys" in our fantasies - we had a lot of fun. Using LOTS of lubricant along with her toys did allow us to experience much of what the real thing has been like. We even went to 2 different swing-clubs - not to participate - but to see what it was like and to get aroused at what others were doing (we never did anything with anyone else - when we were finally horny enough, we found ourselves a "private room" with a lock on the door).

There is a lot of room between having fun with it yourselves and actually having "it" happen. I think part of the reason we are enjoying what we are doing now (actually doing "it") is because of the long time we kept it to ourselves and enjoyed ourselves privately.

We very much enjoyed reading Penthouse Letters to each other during foreplay. One of our favorite games to play was for me to pick a letter out for Sue to read to me and then, for me to try to make her cum before she could get to the end of the story. And vice-versa. There's a lot that a couple can do together if they're open and honest with each other.

 

[AngleBaby]

I am talking about the second situation MacNfries referes to. Some have a fantasy and their love life has suffered because of it. While one direction may be to enter a hotwife situation, it is to leave the scripted world of fantasy. No one follows a script in real life and the potential of being hurt, or hurting someone you love, is there.
People no longer stay married because a door has been closed. They stay married because they want to stay married. Not every one wants to stay married when there is a lack of affection in the marriage.
Cuckolds or people with fantasies of cuckolding, may not know how to show affection. A thread showing them what they can do, how to do it and when, can give them the option of keeping cuckolding a fantasy instead of seeing it as the only way to save their marriage.
I want to take this thread in a direction, that gives advice on how to reclaim the affections of a spouse.

 

[SoonToBe]

Angle - I'm confused by one of your statements above - the next to the last sentence. I would think it very unhealthy to ever view cuckolding or hotwifeing as a way to save a marriage. Quite the opposite as I do not think either of these are ideas that should be brought out if you aren't in a healthy and happy relationship.

I think you seem to be possibly asking how you can keep cuckolding a fantasy and yet at the same time show love and intimacy with your wife that is what your marriage is focused on. Sort of a thread for how to keep it in your head and have it not unravel your marriage.

I then read your last sentence - how to "reclaim" affections of your spouse. And that makes me think that perhaps you are asking how to pull things back together if you've perhaps revealed your fantasy only to find it to be something she doesn't want to experience.

If this is correct, then you have, I think 2 different issues.

Sue and I did go through periods where she wanted nothing to do with the fantasy after we'd brought it up at first. This was her "I don't want to hear about it - it's not going to happen" period. I respected her wishes and stopped discussing it or bringing it up when we were together. Instead, I merely re-focused on what we did enjoy together and what had attracted and brought us together in the first place. Romance, mood, attitude, seduction, appreciation and love. I actually felt that once I re-introduced these to our relationship that we moved back to center and was what set the stage for the changes later on. But had we never moved back into the fantasy, I would have never felt short-changed or deprived as what we had was still very wonderful.

Here's a funny thought. One day several years ago I was in our local food-store buying flowers for Sue on my way home from work (our local store has a small florist section with pre-packaged flowers and the like). At the checkout counter another guy who I'd seen around in the past looked over and said to me "uh oh, what did you do?!". I smiled back at him and said "oh, nothing, it's more what I want later...". And sure enough, those flowers melted her heart and we had awesome sex that night.

I think you have to be mature enough to recognize when your partner is and isn't receptive to your fantasies or desires and to know when to keep them in your own head.

I think - if you have the fantasy but don't want to share it - that you need to find ways to get your head into it and yet keep it to yourself. For us, we'd long ago started to play with various toys (dildos, vibrators, beads and such) as part of our own fun together that during that in-between period, I kept it in my head what I was fantasizing about. Maybe I'd use the dildo on her a bit more or encourage her to do it and tell her I loved watching her do it (not mentioning anyone else) - but in my head, I let the fantasy run - imagining when I entered her that I truly was having seconds or whatever. I believe this was around when we started to enjoy using lubricants together too.

I also think that what is necessary is that you feel her out for what she wants. So she doesn't share your cuckold/hotwife fantasy - what does she fantasize about? If she can't open up to you this way, then you need to start somewhere else as cucking/hotwifeing is not something that'd be right for you. For us, Sue admitted she wanted to experience light bondage and to explore some aspects of anal play. Honestly, I wasn't totally into either of these but I did encourage and support her and I did learn to fulfill her desires.

Perhaps over time we became trusting enough of each others innermost desires that led us to come full-circle back to cucking. But it needn't have to either.

Sorry for rambling, but I'm trying to figure out what exactly you are trying to explore.

 

[AngleBaby]

The sentence is rooted in the experiences of others here on the forum. Yes, it is unhealthy and isn't always from the cuck's side. I have seen it three times here on the forum.
I am trying to explore the possibilities cucks who have gone through the lows have of returning to a vanilla relationship, especially if the wife has lost interest.
Or is this forum about a one way street?

 

[SoonToBe]

Ahh. I see where you are coming from.
I think the return to a vanilla relationship again comes back to how you are as a couple. I think it depends on the willingness of either side to let go of the desire to either continue or to have it happen. In that case I think it comes down to whether you respect your spouse. There are a lot of extreme's here on the forum where one might thing that one or the other spouse might not be able to go back to normal.

I think if the chemistry was there all along then you need to distance yourself from the elements in your life that pull you into/back-into the desires. Sort of like someone who gives up smoking cigarettes no longer wanting to be around situations where cigarettes are being smoked.

But this is true for all types of marital distress - be they cucking, gambling, money issues or whatever. I have an old friend who is dealing with a decaying marriage and my recommendation to her was the same as I'd give here. There was something that drew you together in the first place, you need to go back to that. Sometimes it's kids that get in the way - once a wife has children somehow she can no longer be that adventurous in bed - you need to never lose sight of it being the 2 of you as a couple. Kids grow up and things change back. Fantasies get pushed to the rear and things can change back - but marriage is also work - and I think underlying all of this is that spouses do need to work together to keep things alive and healthy. Sometimes you take a bad-turn and you need to find your way back.

One sentiment that perhaps I think is worth repeating. Many older people will tell you they regret NOT doing or trying something when they had the chance much more than they regretted trying something and deciding they didn't like it. Life and marriage is about choices and making those together. If you've made a bad choice and gotten to a bad place, you need to backtrack and fix the bad decision.

You can't hold grudges or have resentment for something that you mutually tried - it's not fair and it's not mature, both of which are an underpinning of a good relationship. You have to have trust between you two that in your heart, you have each other held as most important. And you also can't be petty or thin-skinned. Life is always compromises, you need to own up to you past and move on together, or unfortunately, move on apart.

 

[AngleBaby]

But on some level, I disagree. There is always room to grow and to focus on those things that drew you together may not be enough. Instead, move forward and change on some level who you are, not by forcing yourself to become some one else, but by exploring other aspects of who you are and letting them come through and mature into the person who you are. Doing this with one's spouse is key though.

 

[SoonToBe]

Now you are talking about growing together in a marriage.
My first marriage fell apart, not because of anything sexual, but we genuinely grew apart. We'd gotten together under awkward circumstances originally and over time, instead of growing together, we grew apart. So it does happen. But I fault ourselves for that- for not being more open to accepting that we did have our differences and that those differences were bigger than we'd admitted them to be - from religion to belief's about how a household should run or when/if we would have children.

Sue and I dated for years before taking the plunge and during that time, we were both well aware of what the other was like in all aspects.

I suppose if you find yourself drifting apart, that you need to be aware of it as it's happening and not merely realizing it afterwards. If you're in that position - then you honestly may need a "professional" to help you sort out where you stopped growing together. But again, this is general advice for any marriage - whether sex/cuckolding/hotwifeing is involved or not.

It all comes down to basics. And also remembering that this isn't always just a game that you're playing - that it IS real life and not something you may be able to just turn off and put the genie back in the bottle. But you need to address this going in and not try to do it afterwards. At least that's my opinion. I know not everyone does it right though - but being open and able to discuss what did and didn't work is essential and should show you the road towards putting things back together.

too often people don't think they need to work at a relationship. My attitude is that if it's a good relationship - that it doesn't seem like work and that you enjoy it.

 

[AngleBaby]

Agreed.
But how can we qualify what cucks can do themselves from what we have so far said?

 

[SoonToBe]

Angle- I know what you're asking - I just need to think of how to express it.

Seems like you're of the approach of asking how a cuck can pull back to a vanilla situation without ruining things for their future. That is truly the million dollar question....