Define "healthy" and "stable"

[firedrop2007]

In a Wittol/Cuckold marriage(or relationship) how do you define what is a "healthy" and/or "stable" marriage/relationship is? When this type of lifestyle is accepted by both partners it is sort of a given that you are outside the "norm" when you talk about conventional marriage.
How do you balance this for the long term and keep the marriage going? I am not asking from just the male perspective but female as well.

I ask this because we have a lot going on in our lives at the moment and I started having questions about how this lifestyle is going to work as we grow older. Not having a lot of close people I know to ask questions(other then the internet) my physician(MD) that knows about our lifestyle recommended I talk to a psychologist who in-turn referred me to a psychiatrist. When I asked these questions to the psychologist he would just answer with another question(deflect it) or tell me that he would need to see the both of us before giving me an answer. The psychiatrist on the other hand has come out and told me my marriage is not a healthy one.
I would not say we are unhappy or have any major issues that any other couple that has been married for over four years doesn't have as well. I just seem to have more questions about our lifestyle now then before I started down this path. My wife does not see any problems with how our marriage works and thinks I am nuts for even wasting time/money in this endeavor(I am starting to think she is right).

So I thought I would ask any of the married couples here, in the lifestyle how do you define "healthy" and "stable" in this lifestyle?

 

[Custer Laststand]

How do you balance [a "cuckold husband / hotwife" marriage] for the long term and keep the marriage going?

There aren't any absolute criteria, just like there aren't any absolute criteria for maintaining a "normal" marriage. It varies with the individuals of the couple.

I ask this because we have a lot going on in our lives at the moment and I started having questions about how this lifestyle is going to work as we grow older.

It probably depends on your relative sex drives which, in turn, may change as the two of you age. The conventional wisdom seems to be that men peak at about age 18 (or, more broadly, about 18 through early 20's). A woman's sex drive tends to peak during her mid-30's (or so "they" say). If you find your sex drive gradually declining while your wife's is increasing, a "cuckold husband / hotwife" marriage may work well for both of you as long as that's the case.

If your wife's sex drive falls substantially after menopause, she may lose interest. For some women, that happens. For others, apparently it doesn't. Also, some — probably a substantial percentage of — men experience "male menopause" and develop ED problems when they get older. If that happens to you but your wife continues to want sex after menopause, a "cuckold husband / hotwife" marriage may work well for both of you well beyond her menopause.

Not having a lot of close people I know to ask questions (other then the internet) my physician (MD) that knows about our lifestyle recommended I talk to a psychologist who, in turn, referred me to a psychiatrist. When I asked these questions of the psychologist he just answered with other questions (i.e., he deflected my questions).

That sounds familiar. A while back I went to see a female psychologist in hopes of getting an educated and enlightened woman's point of view (since my wife is a woman, right...?). But, I never got that. Rather, she just responded to my questions with more questions. Since I already knew what I thought and why I thought that way, I felt like I wasted my money... or rather, my insurance company's money.

Or, [my psychologist would] tell me he would need to see both of us before giving me an answer.

When my wife and I both went to see "my" woman psychologist, she did the same thing... asked us both questions. I read somewhere that when married couples go to a marriage counselor in hopes of "saving" their marriage, afterwards they usually follow through by getting divorced. If so, that's consistent with our experience.

The psychiatrist on the other hand has come out and told me my marriage is not a healthy one.

Well, there you have it. An authoritative opinion that and your wife have an "unhealthy" marriage.

On the other hand, it's likely you saw a psychiatrist with a conventional view (read, the judeochristian view) of what marriages are supposed to be like. Since you and your wife don't have a conventional marriage, by definition it's "unhealthy." Speaking of which, a forum member with the screen name "Doc in Cleveland" has identified himself as a psychiatrist who deals with cuckolds who have psych problems. He has said that by far the majority of his colleagues have conventional views of marriage similar to that held (it sounds like) by your psychiatrist, and seem unable to come to grips with the concept of a "cuckold husband / hotwife" marriage.

You might have responded by saying something like: "Bullshit. Conventional marriages are unhealthy as evidenced by the high divorce rate. While it's possible couples with 'cuckold husband / hotwife' marriages have a high divorce rate, do you know for a fact it's any higher than the divorce rate among couples with conventional marriages?"

It's unlikely (IMO) your psychiatrist would have been able to show you evidence of that.

I would not say we are unhappy or have any major issues that other couples who have been married for over four years don't have as well.

It sounds like you have a healthy marriage...

I just seem to have more questions about our lifestyle now then before I started down this path.

"The asking of many questions is the beginning of wisdom." (Unfortunately, I can't recall to whom that quote should be attributed.)

My wife does not see any problems with how our marriage works and thinks I am nuts for wasting time and money on this endeavor.

"If your wife is happy, you will be happy too" (they say). You might consider including in the questions you're asking yourself whether, if you insist your wife be monogamous with you but she wants to enjoy a variety of lovers, she would be happy with monogamy and, if she isn't, whether you being happy with monogamy would even be a possibility.

I am starting to think she is right.

If your wife knows what she wants, is getting it, and is happy with that, my suspicion is you'll be best off to agree it should be her privilege and prerogative to date, seduce, and fuck other men while you remain faithful to her.

But, that's just my opinion. If you don't feel that's something you can live with, you might be best off (if you and your wife have no children) to consider looking for a woman with a low sex drive, a conventional view of what a proper marriage should be like, who is determined to have a proper marriage. There are lots of them out there.

 

[Hank jones]

Healthy one I'd start by saying is one where both partner is happy and thinks of the others needs or wants. Not all the time but they notice and ask if there is a problem.

Stable. Well the main stream would say goto work come home pay your bills and and spend time together or doing 'normal' things together.

Now let me just add this one point. We have a son with autism and spent years being asked how we make things 'normal' around the house. We've done tons of reading on these issues. One of my favorate quotes from a book was a mom who kept trying to get her son to act like the other kids. She would tell him 'you want to be normal don't you? Just like the other kids?' but he never got the 'concept' then finally one day she asked him 'do you know what normal is?' he responded 'it's a setting on the dryer.'
So I leave it to you. What's normal?
In Forrest Gump Sally fields character is quoted saying 'remember as far as anyone know we are a normal family.'
Hank

 

[Custer Laststand]

One of my favorite quotes from a book involves a mother who kept trying to get her son [who had autism] to act like the other kids. She would tell him, 'You want to be normal, don't you? Just like the other kids?'

But, he never got the concept.

Finally, one day, she asked him: 'do you know what normal is?'

He replied, 'It's a setting on the dryer.'

That's great. I like it.

 

[FunKatyCouple]

Healthy to us means that regardless of outside dynamics or activities we strive to maintain a nurturing and loving relationship. Our relationship tends to be more of best friends and not very romantic in nature. This is probably due to the fact that I am not able to satisfy her sexual needs but we have been very open and communicated well on this subject. As with any good friend I want her to have what makes her happy and that makes me happy. When she meets some one new or is having issues with a man I am her sounding board and she talks to me like a good friend and it is my job to be supportive and try to offer sound advice. In the end it would seem to us that honest open communication is the key to healthy.

Stable is that even though we love each other very much and she has other men to satisfy her sexual needs nothing comes before our marriage regardless of the form it has taken. I have the rite to veto any man and to this day it has only been exercised once in 18 yrs and that was for a valid safety reason.

Remember the key is to communicate honestly and openly and hopefully it will all work out.