From my blog:
My partner and I have always been very up-front about who wears the pants -- and who wears the panties – in this house. We make no attempt to hide how we live. Everyone in our lives can see for themselves that she is the sole breadwinner and chief executive and that I am the caregiver. So it was not a great leap for me recently to confide a little more to a casual friend over lunch.
As we shared the usual litany of housewife-type complaints, I confided that my partner and I don't have sex anymore and that the reason was my small penis could never satisfy her. Silence. I went further, saying my partner's preferred partners had always been virile, hung men and that she'd made an exception for me. More silence (but my friend smiling and shaking her head as if to say "you're out of your mind.") I said my partner's ideal situation would be to keep me as her male housewife and still retain her old boyfriends as lovers. Now at this point, my friend is looking at me like my hair is on fire. Why, she demanded, would I ever even THINK of something so perverse, so repugnant?
A tragic case of too much information. My fault.
I couldn't answer her question in any sensible manner. But given some time to reflect on it (and to brood about how dumb I was to broach the subject) I have some answers to "why would you ever think of doing such a thing?"
1) There are three irrefutable facts at the core of the situation: I am a grown man with a child-sized wee-wee. I have never – not even once -- been able to satisfy her through conventional intercourse, only with my tongue. She has no interest in intercourse with me. These are not vague suspicions. These are three accepted truths that my partner and I have discussed in some detail. Settled business.
2) She has said to me that her ideal sex partner is virile, dominant and muscular, with a thick penis – all things that I am not. I asked her about her previous sex partners and she reluctantly told me that yes, they were bigger (more than twice as large) and yes, she experienced explosive drive-off-a-cliff orgasms during intercourse. As she memorably put it, "It wasn't just that they were very ... gifted in the tool department. It's the whole package." And as for my "whole package," even if the testosterone fairy came and magically gave me the body of an Olympic swimmer and a King Kong penis, that would do little or nothing to fill the sexual void that exists between the two of us.
I have offered repeatedly to wear a strap-on dildo, but we both know how utterly laughable and futile that exercise would turn out to be – the idea of me parading around the bedroom with a big dick. So it's more than just a lack of physical endowment. So many other things about me are distinctly un-manly, from the way I make decisions to the way I express my emotions to my preferred passive role in bed. These all mark me indelibly as a feminine (albeit straight) man -- someone who could never even pretend at being the macho stud, no matter how big the dildo.
So my femininity is 180 degrees opposite of her stated sexual ideal. She wants to "taken" by a strong man. Yet there are dozens of details that she sees every day that remind her I can never be that man. I suspect she looks upon me in my panties and camisoles with a mixture of pity and resignation. As much as we love each other, we both acknowledge that she doesn't look at me and feel even the smallest spark of lust.
3) We have a great, strong partnership in 90 percent of the spheres of our lives. She is the lead decision maker and I am the helpmate, the child-raiser, the home guard. We are both very happy and comfortable with this arrangement. Even though our situation is diametrically opposed to traditional gender roles, we are still a balanced team. The equation works. She has never said to me "Why can't you be more ...." That's a blessing. So what of this remaining 10 percent where we can't mesh? If you were a doctor who was completely devoted to the well-being of a patient and you were called upon to deal with the one critical illness that you could not possibly treat, would you refer that person to a specialist or let her suffer for your own stupid and misplaced pride? It is a small, insecure person who professes unconditional love in one breath and in the next says "If I can't do that for you, then nobody can."
4) Jealousy is a non-issue here. I had two previous long-term (five-year-plus) girlfriends who freely and openly had sex with other men while we were together. One would go away with her girlfriends on vacation twice a year with the unabashed intention of having a great deal of sex. The other never completely detached from her previous boyfriend and continued to return to him over the years – purely for the sex that I couldn't provide. I loved them both with all my heart. And I realized deep down that it was my inadequacy as a sex partner that had probably been the catalyst in both cases – not some cruel or evil inclination of theirs.
If my spouse is intimate with other men, it's not as if something has been taken away from me. It is not as if I'm being displaced from between her legs. It's not that I'm going to somehow get less gratification than I'm receiving right now.
"Mommy's special friends" would be a gift and a long-overdue addition to her life. Her identity as a highly attractive, sexual being has been on hold for years with me. This would be an opportunity to make her whole. This could never be a competitive situation any more than my doctor competes with my mechanic for my attention or business. I am her helpmate, her partner, her adoring mousewife, her confidante. And the arrival of a stud wouldn't – and couldn't – change that in the least. These are complementary roles. I represent home, stability, devotion. They offer excitement, mystery and lust. The other men in her life certainly wouldn't want what I have and cherish. And I know I cannot have what they enjoy. It would be utterly foolhardy for me to miss that which I do not have -- or to resent someone else for doing what I cannot do. There is nothing in our moral code that says that just because of my shortcomings as a man that she has to take a vow of celibacy in the prime of her sexual life.
6) I believe that her couplings with other men could actually strengthen our partnership -- by eliminating or reducing the very real risk that she'd have a covert affair in order to find sexual release. Sharing her body with a strong, handsome stranger isn't going to kill our marriage. No, what poisons marriages is dishonesty, lack of communication and situations where the partners' expectations that don't match up. If she is intimate with other men, it would actually mean *more* communication and honesty in her primary relationship.
Nothing would make me happier than for her to come home from a sex date and share all the juicy details with me. How she serviced him orally. What it felt like when he penetrated her for the first time. What she felt when he drove her over the edge of orgasm.
7) Finally, I feel a lot of guilt for not being able to fulfill a traditional husband's sexual role. I am open about my little penis (probably too open), but not proud of it in the least. Not being able to bring her to orgasm is a source of continual melancholy in my life. It's the one thing I know I can never give her. It will be a great relief to see her fulfilled at last. Relief. Yes, that's the word. For both of us.
Mousewife Dana
My partner and I have always been very up-front about who wears the pants -- and who wears the panties – in this house. We make no attempt to hide how we live. Everyone in our lives can see for themselves that she is the sole breadwinner and chief executive and that I am the caregiver. So it was not a great leap for me recently to confide a little more to a casual friend over lunch.
As we shared the usual litany of housewife-type complaints, I confided that my partner and I don't have sex anymore and that the reason was my small penis could never satisfy her. Silence. I went further, saying my partner's preferred partners had always been virile, hung men and that she'd made an exception for me. More silence (but my friend smiling and shaking her head as if to say "you're out of your mind.") I said my partner's ideal situation would be to keep me as her male housewife and still retain her old boyfriends as lovers. Now at this point, my friend is looking at me like my hair is on fire. Why, she demanded, would I ever even THINK of something so perverse, so repugnant?
A tragic case of too much information. My fault.
I couldn't answer her question in any sensible manner. But given some time to reflect on it (and to brood about how dumb I was to broach the subject) I have some answers to "why would you ever think of doing such a thing?"
1) There are three irrefutable facts at the core of the situation: I am a grown man with a child-sized wee-wee. I have never – not even once -- been able to satisfy her through conventional intercourse, only with my tongue. She has no interest in intercourse with me. These are not vague suspicions. These are three accepted truths that my partner and I have discussed in some detail. Settled business.
2) She has said to me that her ideal sex partner is virile, dominant and muscular, with a thick penis – all things that I am not. I asked her about her previous sex partners and she reluctantly told me that yes, they were bigger (more than twice as large) and yes, she experienced explosive drive-off-a-cliff orgasms during intercourse. As she memorably put it, "It wasn't just that they were very ... gifted in the tool department. It's the whole package." And as for my "whole package," even if the testosterone fairy came and magically gave me the body of an Olympic swimmer and a King Kong penis, that would do little or nothing to fill the sexual void that exists between the two of us.
I have offered repeatedly to wear a strap-on dildo, but we both know how utterly laughable and futile that exercise would turn out to be – the idea of me parading around the bedroom with a big dick. So it's more than just a lack of physical endowment. So many other things about me are distinctly un-manly, from the way I make decisions to the way I express my emotions to my preferred passive role in bed. These all mark me indelibly as a feminine (albeit straight) man -- someone who could never even pretend at being the macho stud, no matter how big the dildo.
So my femininity is 180 degrees opposite of her stated sexual ideal. She wants to "taken" by a strong man. Yet there are dozens of details that she sees every day that remind her I can never be that man. I suspect she looks upon me in my panties and camisoles with a mixture of pity and resignation. As much as we love each other, we both acknowledge that she doesn't look at me and feel even the smallest spark of lust.
3) We have a great, strong partnership in 90 percent of the spheres of our lives. She is the lead decision maker and I am the helpmate, the child-raiser, the home guard. We are both very happy and comfortable with this arrangement. Even though our situation is diametrically opposed to traditional gender roles, we are still a balanced team. The equation works. She has never said to me "Why can't you be more ...." That's a blessing. So what of this remaining 10 percent where we can't mesh? If you were a doctor who was completely devoted to the well-being of a patient and you were called upon to deal with the one critical illness that you could not possibly treat, would you refer that person to a specialist or let her suffer for your own stupid and misplaced pride? It is a small, insecure person who professes unconditional love in one breath and in the next says "If I can't do that for you, then nobody can."
4) Jealousy is a non-issue here. I had two previous long-term (five-year-plus) girlfriends who freely and openly had sex with other men while we were together. One would go away with her girlfriends on vacation twice a year with the unabashed intention of having a great deal of sex. The other never completely detached from her previous boyfriend and continued to return to him over the years – purely for the sex that I couldn't provide. I loved them both with all my heart. And I realized deep down that it was my inadequacy as a sex partner that had probably been the catalyst in both cases – not some cruel or evil inclination of theirs.
If my spouse is intimate with other men, it's not as if something has been taken away from me. It is not as if I'm being displaced from between her legs. It's not that I'm going to somehow get less gratification than I'm receiving right now.
"Mommy's special friends" would be a gift and a long-overdue addition to her life. Her identity as a highly attractive, sexual being has been on hold for years with me. This would be an opportunity to make her whole. This could never be a competitive situation any more than my doctor competes with my mechanic for my attention or business. I am her helpmate, her partner, her adoring mousewife, her confidante. And the arrival of a stud wouldn't – and couldn't – change that in the least. These are complementary roles. I represent home, stability, devotion. They offer excitement, mystery and lust. The other men in her life certainly wouldn't want what I have and cherish. And I know I cannot have what they enjoy. It would be utterly foolhardy for me to miss that which I do not have -- or to resent someone else for doing what I cannot do. There is nothing in our moral code that says that just because of my shortcomings as a man that she has to take a vow of celibacy in the prime of her sexual life.
6) I believe that her couplings with other men could actually strengthen our partnership -- by eliminating or reducing the very real risk that she'd have a covert affair in order to find sexual release. Sharing her body with a strong, handsome stranger isn't going to kill our marriage. No, what poisons marriages is dishonesty, lack of communication and situations where the partners' expectations that don't match up. If she is intimate with other men, it would actually mean *more* communication and honesty in her primary relationship.
Nothing would make me happier than for her to come home from a sex date and share all the juicy details with me. How she serviced him orally. What it felt like when he penetrated her for the first time. What she felt when he drove her over the edge of orgasm.
7) Finally, I feel a lot of guilt for not being able to fulfill a traditional husband's sexual role. I am open about my little penis (probably too open), but not proud of it in the least. Not being able to bring her to orgasm is a source of continual melancholy in my life. It's the one thing I know I can never give her. It will be a great relief to see her fulfilled at last. Relief. Yes, that's the word. For both of us.
Mousewife Dana
