New Year, New Thread

I've become quite stoic about things right now. I suppose it borders on a bit of masochism in a way, but to me this is a pleasurable pain in a way.

Dutch - I think Peak and Squirmy understood that my request was more to delay the time when they will spend 2 nights at our house than to say no to it forever. Its just that I think that it's going to be too much for me to see and hear and know about them having sex while I know that I am not. To be honest, I think it'll be okay after a few weeks, when the initial shock of no longer fucking her has sunk in. I am also aware that it's likely that if she's looking at 2 mid-week nights with him, that it will likely include Wednesday nights - so in that case - I'll be surely jerking off alone! But the other part of that is your last sentence in A which isn't correct - when we've talked Sue had already said she was not going to be looking for 3 nights in a row. No matter what there was going to be at least 1 night she would be home alone with me between when she is seeing Paul.

I've been thinking myself a bit, especially since Wednesday night, and while I am most definitely going to miss intercourse with her, as I said, I've become more stoic about it and in some ways - an earlier comment that we should have started this already is applicable. I suppose this is what it feels like to have your head in the guillotine and know the blade is coming down at some point. But in many ways, I have to be honest and say that as the Labor Day weekend approaches, that I am actually looking forward to it. In the brief discussions we've had about the actual plans for that, I know that she was agreeing to wanting it to be more of a ceremony of sorts between us. When we talked about it she said that last time was more "just playing" but that she'd like to make it something more serious this time. It's going to sound crazy but last night while she was off doing something or other, I actually found myself very horny and I wound up masturbating to some porn videos showing guys using condoms and I will share that I orgasmed quite intensely at the thought of how it's going to be to pull out of her after I've filled the 4th condom and knowing that may be the last time for quite a while. I can't explain how arousing the thought is of seeing her lying beneath me after I've pulled out knowing that I may not get to feel her pussy for a long time. I can't explain it but wow does it ever get me hard, even now just thinking about it again.

I'm quite sure that I'm going to have (many) more moments of doubt or second-thoughts, but at the same time, I am also quite confident that Sue will not waver from her plans at this point.

Dutch - we are going to ease into the 2 nights in a row and yes, to be honest, now seeing everyone's feedback, maybe it is indeed better if they are here for those 2 nights. As for the permanence of Wednesday night, I have many times given in to her desire to be with Paul or Robert before if that worked best for Wednesdays, to be honest, as long as we share some intimate time like that together, it can really be any night. Dare I say it would probably turn me on a bit knowing why we'd changed nights!

She has just left to go see Paul. Our daughter called and said she was at the beach with friends and wouldn't be back till late. Paul was golfing when she called but they arranged to see each other this afternoon. My god - I was there when she called him and I could tell the moment he said yes - the smile and flush on her face was so hot to see. When she hung up with him she was very affectionate with me and we kissed and hugged for a bit and she said that she loved that I could be so comfortable now to let her go see him on the spur of the moment like this. I told her that I was sure she was wanting to see him but I also asked her if this was going to change our time together this weekend. She kissed me and said she couldn't promise she'd want to have sex with me tonight after seeing him, she did say "but tomorrow night will be for you and I" and after she kissed me she teased me that she'll "let you spend a lot of time down there if you want to" which is her way of saying I can go down on her pussy tomorrow night and do whatever I want. Before she left she reached down and felt my hard cock and she giggled that I'll "just have to wait till tomorrow". I tried to make her feel comfortable going off to see him and I told her to enjoy herself and she smiled and said she would.

As I said, stoic. I would have liked her to have been here this afternoon - take a swim in the pool together and maybe have a glass of wine this afternoon, but at the same time, my balls are boiling already now knowing what she'll be doing the rest of the afternoon. I had to laugh at how quickly Paul said yes to getting together as well as how surprised Sue was at his enthusiastic response, she looked at me and I smiled and I said I could understand him.

Well, she just texted me that she's on her way home with a smiley face at the end of it.

Yes, I know she postponed me till tomorrow night but that will be okay with me - based on how I'm feeling right now, letting my desire rise for another day will only make tomorrow better. I can't explain how I feel right now - I mean there is this undertone of impending dread - but at the same time, I have to say that I am both excited and even in a way, eager for the next few weeks to go by. I sort of feel as though a sword is hanging overhead right now but in a good way. I know I'm going to have many moments and times when I am going to regret what we are doing - it even pains me now to think of simply no longer having her sexually - but at the same time, it seems to be what I truly want to experience.

I really do understand what she wants to feel. And I can understand why she doesn't, or possibly can't feel it with me. I remember many things from early on between us and I know she wants to feel that way. I can remember kissing her and her letting me undo her jeans and slip my hand beneath her panties and to finger her till she moaned softly in my ear and I felt my fingers and her panties getting wet. That sort of passionate moment just doesn't happen between people who've been together 30 years or more now - it just doesn't - but I know that is some of what she wants to feel with the way she's talked. I can remember driving in the car with her after being out at a bar for a few drinks and how again, I'd get my hand into her pants or under her skirt and how she'd lie back and let me finger-fuck her as we drove home. While she may not do exactly those things with him, I do understand and recognize how she wants to feel with him. It does scare me a little but at the same time, I know that she is also very aware of what is going on and of herself right now. I think that's perhaps something that's different with Paul now vs. Robert or anyone in her past - she's assumed the alpha-role now and even her forwardness of calling him today is an example of that. So in many ways I think this is reassuring me that we should be okay. I also know that while she's not doing this to hurt me, that I am bound to get bruised in the course of things. I do trust her that she'll make it as good as it can be for me while getting what she wants out of it.

What I am getting excited about is letting that part of me think more about everything and more so - I am trying to imagine and sort of think about how things are going to be. I know it sounds crazy to some - but I do want to hear her cry out from in our room and for me to not be there and only imagine what he is doing to and with her. I do want to see her comfortable enough to let me in on her pleasure and to not feel too self-conscious about letting me watch or enjoy along with her. Fuck, I'm going to be horny by the time tomorrow night gets here.

It's been crazy with things at home here since the weekend - back to college for our daughter is taking up time right now.
Until I have more time the only thing I will share here for now, and something I haven't yet told Sue is that seeing the 3 condoms all attached in their little foil pouches in her nightstand (yes her nightstand) has me wicked horny. I went to put something away yesterday evening and her drawer was open just a bit and I could see the shiny foil and my cock just got wicked hard as I looked and thought about them. Crazy feeling.

Peak - actually Paul has been getting his time in on the golf-course and according to Sue, he's patient until we get through the next 2 weeks. Her once-a-week (or thereabouts) time with him seems to be sufficient, but then it's not something I've really asked about or been concerned about. I figure he's looking forward to what's coming soon and is willing to wait for something good.

We did enjoy our Wednesday routine last night but it was a bit less teasing-oriented and more talking-oriented as she started to tell me that while we ARE going to reconnect in October, she's started to tell me that come Labor Day weekend, that she wants us to take it as if it is for real and that she doesn't want me to be mentioning or talking about my wanting her or anything like that between the LD-weekend and October.

More later gotta get ready for dinner.

I am feeling quite unique right now as some new ground was broken last night here. To answer when Sue is seeing Paul again, with this being the last weekend our daughter is home, when she announced she was going to the beach for the day, Sue immediately turned to me and I gave her a knowing nod yes. Paul is playing golf now as expected but with our daughter now not returning till this evening, he is going to call Sue when he is on his way home and she is hoping time will be sufficient for her tor see him briefly. If not then as we'd already discussed, she wants to see him this week, which won't be a problem as our daughter is returning to college tomorrow. I told her that I expected her to see him before the long Labor Day holiday weekend when he will not be around.

The new ground that was broken last night is actually still making me wonder and realize just how lucky and wonderful I am to have a wife like Sue. She came to me last night when we were in our bedroom before bed and she said she wanted to ask me something. I nodded yes and she asked me "are you more turned on each time we have sex and you use a condom?" and after a moment where I was just surprised at how she asked it, she added "does it turn you on that way?". I looked at her and asked her to explain what she meant before I tried to answer it and she proceeded to tell me that she's been thinking of how I've been recently but she also said that she had also started to think back to things in the past and she came out and asked me if it turned me on that each time I used a condom with her it was one more time that I didn't get to cum in her and then she said it "but you know that Paul still does". And she asked me it again if it's something that seems to turn me on more the more we have continued to do so?

I started to say yes that it was sort of true and she smiled and she started to tell me how she knew it wasn't easy for me to think about it in terms of "being a man" and the "whole masculinity thing" but she asked me to be honest and she told me that no matter what I was always a man in her eyes but she asked me to be honest and said that she'd been wondering if this was maybe true? I told her that I'd never thought about it in terms of more but that in some ways she was right. She hugged me and she said that she loved knowing something that deep about me and she said she understood more about me than she thought she did.

She told me how she could now see that I needed to feel that we were good and that our love was strong and that when I felt that, she says that's when I have come out with the way I seem to truly feel. She looked at me and she said what I've long said "you love it when I do it with someone else either before or instead of you!" and she paused and said "it's always been this way, hasn't it, that when you've felt I loved you so much, that you would let yourself feel this way and let yourself enjoy it". She said that she understood how it must have hurt me after we'd been skiing that time and she didn't give me that feeling and that type of relationship intimacy that I need. And then she looked at me and said "so, me knowing and now really understanding this, I'll make sure you always feel that way baby".

Now I missed a lot of the in-between - this wasn't just a 30 second conversation but those were the key parts that I now am just like tingling all over feeling. She asked me to be honest and tell her the answer to her question. And when I told her yes, that I'd not really given it thought that way but yes, the better I felt about us and the more secure and connected I feel to her, that yes - and for both of us I think it just suddenly made sense. She looked at me and said "it feels good for you to not cum in me and know that I want Paul to, doesn't it baby?" Before I could answer she said she loved me and that maybe this part of our sex life is just changing what and how makes us both feel good and she looked at me and said that there's nothing wrong with me liking her having sex with just Paul "if that's what turns you on".

Thing is - she kept talking and she said that she'd too been thinking back to things we'd done together only this time she said "like the things we did when I went on and off the IUD". She looked at me and just said "I can really see now how that must have turned you on back then" and she said that she could now sort of understand it and then she asked coyly as if she already knew the answer but wanted me to confirm "and when I used to tell you no before I'd go see you know who (Don)". I nodded yes, slowly and a bit sheepisly at first but then as I realized what she was saying, that she really seemed to understand - just from how she asked and how her voice was - as I nodded I think I really realized that maybe she did understand. As I sort of thought about it she smiled and with a tiny giggle she said "it must really turn you on then when you think about how long it's been since... you know... you did it without a condom".

Peak and others, you were right that talking outside the bedroom/bed (even though we were in the bedroom I knew we weren't going to be having any kind of sex) that we seemed to be able to find the words to say to each other.

In the end, we fell asleep spooned together with her pulling my arms around her.

She's gone off to shop right now so I have some time but even this morning, I have to say that there's a newfound feeling of easiness between us. At one point last night she looked at me and said that she could see how it could turn me on when they're together in the morning and she said that a lot more stuff makes sense to her now about what does and doesn't turn her on.

Dutch, when we've talked about October, it's always been the end of October. I actually have no illusions about her wanting it earlier with me as a part of me, even now, believes that by then she will probably not feel the same about wanting to reconnect with me but will likely do so anyway. I honestly don't know how I am going to be. During our talk, at one point she asked me if giving up sex with her might be the point that gets me most aroused and turned on if what I said was true about it being more and more of a turn-on each time. Again, it was something that I'd not thought about in that way and it was interesting to hear her try to understand how that could now arouse me even more, like intensifying the feelings that using condoms had built up to. If I didn't love her and truly feel that I can trust her with myself, I don't know that I could have talked to her this way (and vice-versa), but at the moment I told her yes that it could be what I will feel and I told her that this was perhaps the closest I'd ever felt to the core of my arousal. She told me it was really beautiful and special that we could share this even if it wasn't something "normal" and that it was something we were okay with.

When she asked about seeing Paul later today I did ask her about tomorrow and she smiled and she said that she wanted to make "these last few times" be really good for me and that she knew I was going to want her tomorrow and that she wanted me too. I didn't tell her (yet) that hearing her say that like that really turned me on. And I've decided to go along with her wishes and not talk about anything after the holiday next weekend. If she truly wants me to leave her to be with just Paul, then that is what I am going to try to do for her and to only share my desire for her if she asks me or wants to know. I feel very odd saying that right now but it is what she asked.

And yes, with her not seeing Paul over the holiday weekend, we both know that the last 2 condoms will be used that weekend. With the house to ourselves, my current thought/hope is for once on Saturday night and then the second on Monday. She hasn't yet mentioned what she is thinking.